1. “By Your Side” by Sade
Let’s get one thing straight, I live and die for Sade. Her music is lush, beautiful, and romantic. I’m her # 1 (or, at the very least, # 34) fan. That being said, listening to Sade during a hook up is a privilege, not a right. If you’re on that monogamous “I love you” tip with someone, then feel free to blast Sade until your bed frame breaks. But if you’re just having casual, meaningless sex, Sade is not your girl. She once came on when I was hooking up with this boy I only had lukewarm feelings for and we both just stopped and were like, “Our relationship is not good enough for Sade’s music. We don’t deserve her.” And a few weeks later, it was over.
2. “Boyfriend” by Best Coast
This record came out while I was dating this cute, great guy and stuck in that gray/ gay area all summer long where we were just like “I really like you but I don’t think we should be BF/BF…” Anyway, I was always accidentally playing this song when we were hooking up and, all of a sudden, I just got super paranoid because the lyrics are “I WISH HE WAS MY BOYFRIEND. I WISH HE KNEW I LOVED HIM. GOD, IT WOULD BE GREAT IF WE DATED.” I started to worry that he thought I was feeding him subliminal messages by playing the song, so I stopped playing it. Incidentally, I was also stoned for most of this summer so maybe it was paranoia?
3. “F**k The Pain Away” by Peaches
Just because you’re having vacuous sex with someone, doesn’t mean you need to play a song about it. I mean, I get it. You’re screwing the “pain” away. You won’t care about me the second you climax. I get mine, you get yours. Just don’t remind me via lesbian elctropop that was briefly popular in the early ’00s.
4. “Do Ya Think I’m Sexy” by Paris Hilton
There’s nothing less sexy than listening to Paris Hilton talk about her sexiness. She sounds like a sex demon that somehow landed on Earth, decided to make some noises with her tongue and call it an album. If you listen closely enough, you can actually hear producer Scott Storch laughing hysterically in the background while cashing his check.
5.”Sadie” by Joanna Newsom
Joanna Newsom is nice to listen to at 2 a.m. when you’re busy feeling things and want to freak out your roommate, but she’s not appropriate sex music. Her voice kind of sounds like your mom screaming at you to come inside for dinner or something. “RYAN! COME INSIDE AND EAT! THE FOOD IS GETTING COLD!” Ugh, my dick goes down half an inch just visualizing it. Yeah, she’s anti-sex music. Like I’m pretty sure those True Love Waits Christians listen to her when they want to banish impure thoughts. They tell them that this is what sex sounds like — two wet cats in the rain getting strangled — and everyone gets scared straight.
6.”You Oughta Know” by Alanis Morissette
“I know that we’re being really tender and romantic right now but I just want you to know that it will all end in tears. I’ll end up hating you or you’ll end up hating me. No one will be going down on ANYONE, let alone in a theatre. So cheers to us hating each other someday. Get undressed.”
7. “Buffy The Vampire Slayer Theme Song” by Nerf Herder
I can’t be the only Buffy freak who has the theme song on their iPod, right? It’s definitely cool and trendy to tell people that you loved Buffy, OMG, but it is quite another thing to be smooching some dude and hear the “DOO-DOO-DOO-DOO” intro come on to your iPod. (I also have the My So-Called Life theme song as well. Deal with it.)
8. “The Wreckoning” by Boomkat
Given any opportunity, I will mention the amazing blip that was Boomkat, actress Taryn Manning’s bizarro pop band. “The Wreckoning” takes Taryn Manning’s vocals and roofies them with 10,000 Adderall. Add to that an “edgy” pop beat and lyrics about a relationship gone sour, and you have The Least Sexy Song Ever. Thank you so much, Taryn Manning. You have given us all so much, most notably a hilarious miscarriage scene in Crossroads, but it’s your foray into music that proves to be the gift that keeps on giving.