8 Songs You Wouldn't Want To Show Up On Shuffle During A Hook Up

1. “By Your Side” by Sade

Let’s get one thing straight, I live and die for Sade. Her music is lush, beautiful, and romantic. I’m her # 1 (or, at the very least, # 34) fan. That being said, listening to Sade during a hook up is a privilege, not a right. If you’re on that monogamous “I love you” tip with someone, then feel free to blast Sade until your bed frame breaks. But if you’re just having casual, meaningless sex, Sade is not your girl. She once came on when I was hooking up with this boy I only had lukewarm feelings for and we both just stopped and were like, “Our relationship is not good enough for Sade’s music. We don’t deserve her.” And a few weeks later, it was over.

2. “Boyfriend” by Best Coast

This record came out while I was dating this cute, great guy and stuck in that gray/ gay area all summer long where we were just like “I really like you but I don’t think we should be BF/BF…” Anyway, I was always accidentally playing this song when we were hooking up and, all of a sudden, I just got super paranoid because the lyrics are “I WISH HE WAS MY BOYFRIEND. I WISH HE KNEW I LOVED HIM. GOD, IT WOULD BE GREAT IF WE DATED.” I started to worry that he thought I was feeding him subliminal messages by playing the song, so I stopped playing it. Incidentally, I was also stoned for most of this summer so maybe it was paranoia?

3. “F**k The Pain Away” by Peaches

Just because you’re having vacuous sex with someone, doesn’t mean you need to play a song about it. I mean, I get it. You’re screwing the “pain” away. You won’t care about me the second you climax. I get mine, you get yours. Just don’t remind me via lesbian elctropop that was briefly popular in the early ’00s.

4. “Do Ya Think I’m Sexy” by Paris Hilton

There’s nothing less sexy than listening to Paris Hilton talk about her sexiness. She sounds like a sex demon that somehow landed on Earth, decided to make some noises with her tongue and call it an album. If you listen closely enough, you can actually hear producer Scott Storch laughing hysterically in the background while cashing his check.

5.”Sadie” by Joanna Newsom

Joanna Newsom is nice to listen to at 2 a.m. when you’re busy feeling things and want to freak out your roommate, but she’s not appropriate sex music. Her voice kind of sounds like your mom screaming at you to come inside for dinner or something. “RYAN! COME INSIDE AND EAT! THE FOOD IS GETTING COLD!” Ugh, my dick goes down half an inch just visualizing it. Yeah, she’s anti-sex music. Like I’m pretty sure those True Love Waits Christians listen to her when they want to banish impure thoughts. They tell them that this is what sex sounds like — two wet cats in the rain getting strangled — and everyone gets scared straight.

6.”You Oughta Know” by Alanis Morissette

“I know that we’re being really tender and romantic right now but I just want you to know that it will all end in tears. I’ll end up hating you or you’ll end up hating me. No one will be going down on ANYONE, let alone in a theatre. So cheers to us hating each other someday. Get undressed.”

7. “Buffy The Vampire Slayer Theme Song” by Nerf Herder

I can’t be the only Buffy freak who has the theme song on their iPod, right? It’s definitely cool and trendy to tell people that you loved Buffy, OMG, but it is quite another thing to be smooching some dude and hear the “DOO-DOO-DOO-DOO” intro come on to your iPod. (I also have the My So-Called Life theme song as well. Deal with it.)

8. “The Wreckoning” by Boomkat

Given any opportunity, I will mention the amazing blip that was Boomkat, actress Taryn Manning’s bizarro pop band. “The Wreckoning” takes Taryn Manning’s vocals and roofies them with 10,000 Adderall. Add to that an “edgy” pop beat and lyrics about a relationship gone sour, and you have The Least Sexy Song Ever. Thank you so much, Taryn Manning. You have given us all so much, most notably a hilarious miscarriage scene in Crossroads, but it’s your foray into music that proves to be the gift that keeps on giving. TC mark

image – Daniel Arnold

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

Trace the scars life has left you. It will remind you that at one point, you fought for something. You believed.

“You are the only person who gets to decide if you are happy or not—do not put your happiness into the hands of other people. Do not make it contingent on their acceptance of you or their feelings for you. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if someone dislikes you or if someone doesn’t want to be with you. All that matters is that you are happy with the person you are becoming. All that matters is that you like yourself, that you are proud of what you are putting out into the world. You are in charge of your joy, of your worth. You get to be your own validation. Please don’t ever forget that.” — Bianca Sparacino

Excerpted from The Strength In Our Scars by Bianca Sparacino.

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More From Thought Catalog

  • http://twitter.com/tannnyaya Tanya Salyers

    You should probably not have any of these songs on your iTunes period. 

  • Alli

    Ben Lee – “Catch My Disease”

  • Anonymous

    Alanis Morrisette piece made me laugh out loud. ” No one will be going down on ANYONE, let alone in a theatre. So cheers to us hating each other someday. Get undressed.” So effing true. 

  • http://fastfoodies.org Briana

    Souljaboy Tellem came up last night, mid-hookup.  BUT I KEPT GOING. WHY DID I KEEP GOING.

    • Anonymous

      WHY IS THAT ON YOUR IPOD

      full disclosure, i have several soulja boy songs on mine, but i wouldn’t wish a similar fate on my worst enemy

  • http://twitter.com/irinagonzalez Irina Gonzalez

    HAH! I was really happy to see the Buffy theme song on this list because I totally agree– it is awesome but SO not appropriate for a random romp. 

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Steven-Timberman/922794 Steven Timberman

    One of my closest friends just got engaged. When I asked him how he knew that she was The One, he mentioned, “I checked her iPod, and she had a ‘music to fuck to’ playlist”. 

  • http://twitter.com/i9M Michael B

    I thought this was going to be filled with songs like “Whoomp There It Is,” but I was mistaken.

  • http://twitter.com/scruzz Shawn

    Any songs that makes people think they’re a stripper. Ludacris, Nicki Minaj… oh lord. I don’t want to have to stop what we’re doing and have to start throwing one dollar bills. Thanks.

  • http://www.nicholeexplainsitall.com EarthToNichole

    The Best Coast thing HAPPENED TO ME! But it worked out. We were also stoned.

  • Karim Kazemi

    There are certain songs by Joanna Newsom I wouldn’t mind showing up, depending on the tone of the occasion.

    • http://fastfoodies.org Briana

      I’ve had sex to Joanna Newsom music twice before, and both times I got a nosebleed. I don’t ever get nosebleeds.

  • Adam

    Ryan, you’re a ho.

  • http://www.facebook.com/jess.hurst1 Jess Hurst

    The first time my fiance and I had sex, it was to “Fuck the Pain Away.” I left my combat boots on because I was shy. It was pretty awkward and mediocre.

    • Ohai

      This is just awkward to read.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1162290296 Heather Hanford

    HOLY SHIIIIT. I had “The Wreckoning” on a mix CD in my early high school years. Bring. me. back.

  • http://twitter.com/DnlAlvarenga Daniel Alvarenga

    “Did it on ’em”  by Nicki Minaj has ruined many moments.

  • http://twitter.com/courtleee courtleee

    But why is Paris Hilton on your iPod ._.

  • ehuegel

    Yes I have the Buffy Theme Song on my Ipod…does anyone remember when they did the musical episode?  Anyone? Anyone?

    • Asavva

      I still have the entire score from the musical ep on my old computer :-)
      I’ve got a feeling; what’s this eery singing all aboouuuut?

  • claire

    she, from elvis costello.
    it killed it.

  • Dani

    Brick-Ben Folds Five..very akward

  • guest

    Worst that’s happened to me was Rains Down in Africa by Toto. We kept going. 

  • Guest

    Even better, post hook-up: Bad Romance – Lady Gaga.

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