1. Rickie Vasquez from My So-Called Life
When I was eight-years-old, I met Wilson Cruz, the actor who played Rickie Vasquez in the cult classic television show, My So-Called Life, at a screening in Hollywood. He greeted me warmly and gave me a giant hug, which is the reason why I’ve had a half-boner for the past seventeen years. It was a big moment to see Cruz in the flesh because Rickie Vasquez was my dream boy. If I had gone to school with him and Angela and Rayanne, we would’ve totally been BF/BF and Rickie wouldn’t have had to lust after Corey anymore, the straight boy who painted his shoes and gave everyone “I love dick” vibes. We would’ve nurtured Rayanne together and tried to keep her sober, and kissed in secret underneath the bleachers next to Jared Leto. The best part of us being together would be that he wouldn’t have had to live with his well-intentioned gay English teacher. He could’ve just lived at my house! My mom seriously wouldn’t have cared. She’s not a regular mom, she’s a cool mom.
2. Jack McPhee from Dawson’s Creek
Okay, can we just pretend I’m not 25-years-old for a sec so I can be the same age as these gay kids in high school and sleep with them? Fantastic. So Jack McPhee was originally intended to be a straight love interest for Joey Potter (he even got a boner when he posed nude for her as part of an art assignment) but I guess the producers got bored and as soon as sweeps came around, Jack was coming clean and being like, “Yo JK on that erection, I’m gay!!!” Thank GOD he was though because Jack was the dreamiest sweet gay dude you could ever imagine. In real life, I bet he would’ve been a total jerk because he’s so hot and sporty but back in the ’90s, you could only be kind and suffering if you were a gay man on TV. Despite (or, perhaps, because of) his one-dimensionality, Jack was so easy to fall in love with. He always meant well and yet he continued to get crapped on by the world. He suffered from “Gay Man Crying On TV” syndrome quite a bit but that’s okay because I specialize in licking away tears. (Okay, I’m sorry, that was gross.)
3. Daniel Desario in Freaks & Geeks
James Franco, I mean Daniel Desario, doesn’t know he’s gay yet but that’s why I’m here! To make the world a less confusing place for emotionally distant hot people. I am COMMITTED to making him realize that I, not Kim Kelly, am the one that he wants. I’ll listen to him talk about his hopes and dreams as he gets stoned out of a gravity bong. I’ll hold his hair back when he pukes from drinking too much beer. I’ll do it because I care. He needs to know the truth about himself. It’s terrible that he’s been unaware of it for so long. Daniel, I’m here. Hello? Is this thing on? Babe?
4. Blaine Anderson from Glee
Despite being one of the gayest shows on television, Glee has limited babe options. The straight guys are “whatevs” and Kurt looks too tiny and cries all the time. Blaine, however, is a beautiful son of a gun. Isn’t he dating Kurt or something? I don’t really watch this show but I think that’s what’s happening. If so, I would advise Kurt to hang on tight to Blaine. Finding a gay guy in high school who you actually like is a rare and beautiful thing. Lock him in your music room and pray to God he doesn’t leave you for the big city!
5. Lafayette from True Blood
Finally! Someone’s who’s age-appropriate that I could actually sleep with if they were real! I love Lafayette. I mean, who DOESN’T want to sleep with him? Now that I think of it, the entire male cast of True Blood is bangable (Alan Ball knows what’s up) and the good news is that they’re all kind of gay because they’re vampires. All it takes is one accidental drop of your blood and Eric and Bill would be like, “Okay, threesome?”