Things I Learned This Week From Looking At Facebook And Twitter

People like to get engaged during the holidays. A lot. Then they like to take a picture of their engagement ring and post it on their Facebook with the caption: “I’M ENGAGED!” I always scan the comments to see if someone has the balls to write “Well, that’s a colossal mistake!” but they never do. It’s all just some variation of “OMG! Congrats girlie!” I haven’t done enough investigation into the future husband’s Facebook though. Do they talk about their engagement? Do they post a pic of the engagement ring? Something tells me they just write something like “I’m officially the luckiest guy in the world…” or something. After all, they don’t want to seem too enthused about such a sentimental and expensive gesture.

OMG, people are stoked on 2012. “BRING IT, 2012! KISS MY ASS, 2O11! SCREW 2011!” So many feelings about the end of the year. Apparently, 2011 was a terrible year for everyone??? No one tweets about these things until the very end of the year. Like I thought people were having a good time until they all wrote “SO READY FOR THE NEW YEAR. THIS YEAR JUST NEEDS TO BE DELETED!” Damn, girl. Tell the Internet how you really feel.

People were SO not into New Year’s Eve this year. So much pressure! They just wanted to stay in and wake up in 2o12! Alas, they all succumbed to the holiday and went out. How do I know? Because I read so many tweets about people being hungover. No one moved on New Year’s Day. In fact I think the world died a little bit. Slowly everyone crawled to brunch and live-tweeted their experience. “New Year’s Day brunch with mi boos. So crucial. Going to die now.” And then they crawled into bed together and laid there lifelessly for twelve hours. Those who were brave enough to admit that they had taken drugs the night before admitted to experiencing a comedown.

People don’t want to go back to work/reality! Work sucks. But wait, so do the holidays? I’m confused.

People really got into Downton Abbey this week — a show that I had never heard of but now feel compelled to watch. Is it good?

Things I didn’t see recorded on the Internet: all the sex people had over the holidays, the weird and nuanced feelings people have towards their families over the holidays (you can tweet about needing a break from your family and allude to their dysfunctional behavior but you can’t go into intimate detail), your anxieties about not being where you thought you would be, the amount of food you ACTUALLY ate while at home. TC mark

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

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