According to Lessons I’ve Learned From Internet Memes, girls say a lot of funny things that are often offensive. (Um, so where are the endless “…Guys Say?” parodies? So much material, I’m sure.) Last week, we learned what not to say to black people if you happen to be a white girl. This week, we learn about the boneheaded things girls say to their gay BFF in the video, “Sh*t Girls Say To Gay Guys.”
I wish I could sit here and say that I don’t relate to 99% of this skit but alas, I would be a liar. Multiple girls have uttered phrases to me like “I know this guy — he’s gay — and I think you would like him!” and “I NEED a gay best friend!” thinking that I would honestly take them as complimentary. That’s the most puzzling aspect of it all — the type of woman who says this sincerely believes they’re a one-woman Pride parade. If you tell them that they’re being offensive, their jaw will drop and they’ll say things like, “Um, excuse me. I posed for the NOH8 campaign and all my best friends are gay. How could I be offensive to gay people?” I’ll tell you why, babe. Because you’re befriending gay people solely based on their sexuality. You fetishize them and often use the friendship to fill a void in your life. Believe it or not, I still get random girls who come up to me and are like, “Can you please be my gay husband?!” and it’s like “Um, no. I’m not doing the Madonna and Rupert Everett thing with you. Go find someone who can actually give you orgasms.”
These girls grew up watching Will & Grace and fell in love with gay men because they thought they were hot, had great style, and would tell them if their ass looked fat in a dress. That was their value. But it feels so gross when you know someone wants to be friends with you just to fill a quota. I pride myself on the fact that most of my girlfriends have very few gay friends. They aren’t fag hags. We’re friends because we like each other. Groundbreaking!
If you’re a girl who says this kind of stuff on the reg to your gay friend, I should tell you that he probably resents you. Just a smidge! I mean, he might go along with it and throw a “BETCH!” back at you, but deep down inside he might feel a little bit like a dirty prostitute. He’s playing along to the role that you and society assigned for him. I’m not suggesting that if you find yourself guilty of saying the types of comments in the video, you’re a subtly homophobic jerk. I would just advise you to think about why you’re saying it and if your gay friend really appreciates it when you call him a girl or ask to make out when you’re drunk.