I Don't Want To Sleep With You When I'm Sober

Sober sex just isn’t in the cards for us. We’ll never have the kind of passionate polished sex that happens at 4:30pm when the sun casts a light on your body before disappearing completely. We’ll never climax at the same time before collapsing together during the weird fog of dusk. “Is it 6:00 a.m. or 6:00 p.m.? I can never tell when the sky is in-between like this and it makes me feel like I’m half-dreaming.” Our oral sex will always be sloppy but we’ll convince ourselves that it’s adventurous. That’s what you always say when it’s bad. You write it off as kinky wild sex and pray no one figures you out. No one will know that you never actually finish and you won’t tell them until it’s all done and over with, until you’ve come to your senses about this person you don’t want to have sober sex with.

We’re both lonely right now. That much is clear. We’re lost and hurting for different reasons, so we’re trying to make each other feel better by getting drunk and falling into bed. Splat. This can go on for months, you know. You can have wasted sex with someone for as long as you want. It’s the easiest kind of pill to swallow. It’s not real. It feels like someone has put novocaine all over your private parts. “This won’t hurt a bit…” you tell yourself as you let another nothing enter your everything.

Except it does. It hurts quite a bit. You don’t realize this until you wake up the next morning feeling like a bag of aching bones and see that last night’s mistake is still sleeping next to you. You couldn’t feel further from sexy right now, so you decide to kick them out of your apartment. You can do that. You can be a crazy jerk who kicks people out of your apartment because you’re hungover and you both know none of this matters as soon as the sun comes up. You don’t like to see your mistake drenched in an ungodly amount of sunlight. You want to see them in the dark, concealed in a bed of covers. You want to feel it move in and out and then leave. That’s the best part of the sex — when it’s over. You see them get out of bed and scramble for clothes. They have a nice ass. Now get out.

The next day you meet your friends for lunch and they point out all of the bruises you got from last night’s romp. You didn’t notice. You had no idea that there were marks all over your body, or that it happened like this every single time. You feign embarrassment, laugh it off and then explain to them that it was rough and kinky and WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO, YOU KNOW? This makes your friends feel vanilla and inexperienced, so they giggle nervously and move on. You think about telling them that every time you have sex with this person, you feel your body start to wilt and that these bruises are nothing to be proud of. The sex always needs to hurt because you won’t let yourself be tender with them. The sex always needs to hurt because you need to feel something.

You don’t tell them this though. It’s too early and no one has had a mimosa yet. Besides, the things you feel during sex with someone you secretly despise are too private and not fit for a rom-com brunch talk.

You wonder when it’ll stop. I guess it will when you stop wondering. TC mark

image – LOLren

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.


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  • NotASlutIguess

    I have had that type of sober sex when you wake up and can’t tell if it’s 6am or 6pm because its so dreamy.. damn I can’t imagine a life without it

  • Domino

    sober sex sucks

  • Cy

    “The sex always needs to hurt because you won’t let yourself be tender with them.”
    I think you’ve maybe just revealed to me more about my sex life than years of therapy ever has.

  • vanessa

    This is my life right now… ugh I remember when sex used to mean something. I miss it. 

    • MAXINE


  • kitefeet

    this made me feel a little sad

  • Laura

    I think my heart stopped the entire time I was reading this. This is my sex life as well :(

    “The sex always needs to hurt because you won’t let yourself be tender with them. The sex always needs to hurt because you need to feel something.”

  • Gina

    I only want to sleep with you when we’re not sober because I’m scared of what you’ll think when we’re sober 

  • srn8

    Your articles always sound stupid. “I don’t want to sleep with you when im sober.” Imagine talking to a famous author, and telling him, in person the title of your article. Your writing sucks.

    • beatrice

      His writing doesn’t suck

      • Penny

        His writing doesn’t suck at all.

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=612928768 Samie Rose

        His writing sucks sometimes a little bit kinda.

      • guest.

        His writing totally sucks. 

    • Tori

      Hey, bro, YOUR writing sucks.

      Why use the adverb “always”?  It implies that you’ve read every piece
      Ryan has ever written, and plan to read every piece he writes in the
      future.  Which begs the question, why would you continue to torture
      yourself by reading his so-called stupid articles, filled with his suck-y
      writing?  It just seems a bit masochistic.  Unless, of course, you’re one of
      THOSE people that tend toward making themselves feel superior by tearing down
      other people’s work?  If so, congrats, you’ve officially achieved douchebag
      supreme status.

      Ryan– Haters gotta hate, right?  At least you can rest assured that you’ve far more fans than your nay-sayers ever will.   Keep on posting awesome and fiercely relatable Thoughts!

    • http://kumquatparadise.tumblr.com aaron nicholas

      do you think he feels self-conscious now
      what if all his friends are famous authors
      i hope he doesn’t get a complex because of your comment

      • srn

        I doubt his friends are famous authors. 

      • http://kumquatparadise.tumblr.com aaron nicholas

        are you sure
        how can we know
        i’m anxious

    • Richard

      As if any writer worth half a damn, on the face of the planet, is going to judge an essay by it’s title. Get real brah.

  • http://www.views.ro/ David

    Those were some dark times for me as well. I remember that at first I used to feed my battered ego with it: random sex with complete strangers. I got to the point where I had sex with two different people in less than 24 hours. The idea was simple – get to a club, get hammered and something will come up. And it usually did. If not, I had my back-ups. I remember doing everything in my power to numb my every senses. Sex became like having a cup of coffee or buying groceries. I didn’t even feel the pain you speak of. 
    Now, it’s nice to remember what you did the night before, where you’re going to wake up or that the person next to you actually means something to you. 
    I don’t have a solution for the whole “drunk sex” issue; if people even consider this an issue. I was lucky. As cheesy as it sounds: I fell in love and it changed everything. I was lucky we’ve met on the one day of the week in which I was remotely sober. 
    Reading your article reminded me of that time but also made me appreciate even more what I have now. Best of luck.

  • http://twitter.com/joysteeq joysteeq

    Sometimes I envy people who can have random sex with strangers and emotional background is not required for them.

  • sunshine

     Story of my sex life a few months back. And you reminded me of all the reasons why I don’t miss it.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=26300262 Olga Fedorova

    I think the lack of emotional involvement is a reason for many people’s physical excesses in bed. I am not saying kink is wrong; I just think that in many situations, people mistake hateful for kinky. You sleep with a person all the while despising them for not being someone you love, yet getting to fuck you anyway. You want to hurt them, and you want them to hurt you. 

    Your writing does not suck in the least bit. 

  • Guest

    Thanks for this, I needed it.

  • http://coloringinthedark.wordpress.com/ the artist

    nicely done

  • http://www.facebook.com/ledkthu Lilac Wine

    i just can’t understand how people can easily sleep with some strangers let alone so many???

    • Anonymous

      then this article was not for you, you know?

  • nopillowtalkplease

    Achingly raw and real. You really touched something there. Nice article.

  • Guest

    “This won’t hurt a bit…” you tell yourself as you let another nothing enter your everything. :(

  • http://twitter.com/yvonne1503 yvonne

    It’s more intense when we are inebriated and everything is heightened, you feel a little more alive.

  • patrick

    Great article. I really love and appreciate your emotional honesty.

  • LazyReader

    It stops when you fall in love, that’s true…..but it’s YOU that you have to fall in love with. Then the numbing of the senses and the clawing for replacement feelings will cease.  It has to be rough now, because that’s how you feel towards yourself.  It will only be tender and sober when you are able to comfortably love yourself. Then you can allow the other to love you the same way.

    Took me nearly 2 decades to realize this.

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