Getting Someone To Love You More

I still see you everywhere I go. The blocks we walked together, the restaurants we ate at, the houses we slept together in: it keeps us barely alive. This restaurant still being here is proof that you once loved me. As long as Joanne Street doesn’t blow up, it will remain a reminder of what happened between us. Maybe if I eat at this restaurant more or move into a house on Joanne Street, it will bring you back. Maybe if I start wearing the shirt you bought for me at Christmas you will just appear to me and things will just go back to normal. (Isn’t it bizarre how we actually believe this is true? After a break up, the things we’re capable of feeling and thinking could honestly get us committed. We’re delusional, we’re not right in the head.)

Do you still think about me like I think about you? No, of course you don’t. If you did, I wouldn’t be writing this. There’d be no inequity in feelings, no chilliness between the sheets, and no “I don’t think this is working out.” I’ve been there before. I’ve been the “I don’t think this is working out” guy and I would kill to do a Freaky Friday on our bodies right now. Being the “I don’t think this is working out” guy means you feel immense amounts of guilt but you’re protected in a cocoon of lovelessness. You know your grieving period will be a blip compared to the other person’s. Wash your hands, get the dirt off, and move on. Mmmmm, you lucky devil, you.

Since you’ve left, I’ve been working out at the gym, doing great at my job, and drinking less wine before bed. I said that I was doing this all for myself, a post break up cleanse of sorts, but that’s not really true. (By the way, 80% of the things I tell myself and my friends for the next 6-9 months will be a lie.) I’m living right these days because, in a way, I’m just waiting for you to come back to me. I’m waiting for you to love me more. It will take me a long time to realize that eating at our restaurant and visiting the places we used to frequent and losing five pounds will not make you love me more. Nothing will. But I’m not ready to learn that lesson yet because the second I do, it means you’re gone forever. And I kind of like holding on to you in this sick and unhealthy way. Getting you to love me more is a fruitless task and one that will surely end in tears, but it gives me purpose. It distracts me from the nothing. So fill me up with as many delusions as you want. They’re the only thing keeping me company these days. TC mark

image – Santhosh Rajangam

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

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  • http://www.facebook.com/avskk Sara Krafft

    … Ouch.

  • Josie

    Weeping out loud. Far too true.

  • http://twitter.com/alinatrifan Alina Trifan

    the ending is so… true. sob. i feel you. 

  • MD

    I just got out of a 2 year relationship. He ended up moving out and moving back to the Midwest. For 8 months we continued to talk and tell eachother we love eachother and he kept telling me he wanted me back but I had to move to where he was in order for us to work; a place where I wouldn’t be able to do what I just got my Master’s for, a place in the middle of nowhere where I wouldn’t be near family or friends, a place where I would most likely end up miserable because I would have no opportunities. Moving out there would require such a leap of faith for me not only because I would be giving up career goals, but I would also diving blindly back into a relationship where he had so grossly violated my trust.

    We finally cut off all contact recently but my problem is I don’t know who was ready to let go more. I feel good and I feel happy but my heart still hurts when I think about him (which is still multiple times a day, everyday). I know it will eventually hurt less and I’ll think of him less frequently but when I do think of him, I can’t help but wonder if he even thinks of me and if he still feels bad for doing what he did. I find myself worrying and obsessing over if I’m just a memory to him or if he still thinks of me as a real live person that he still has feelings for, probably because I’m in that weird limbo stage where my memories still have substance but even that is fading fast. I feel that if he’s still getting over me that means that he loved me more. But I know better, I know I’m the one that loved him more because I would never do what he did.

    • Kim

      “…I’m in that weird limbo stage where my memories still have substance but even that is fading fast. I feel that if he’s still getting over me that means that he loved me more.  But I know better, I know I’m the one that loved him more because I would never do what he did.”

      Truth.

  • anonymous

    Thank you. It’s nice to read stuff I’m feeling and know I’m not totally alone.

  • guest

    pretty much sums it up..

  • http://twitter.com/kn8 Nate Jones

    Jesus fuck.

  • Bob

    This article hits a little close to home for me. Reading this makes me feel like you stole the thoughts on my current situation directly from my brain. Thank you, Ryan.

    And fuck you, goddammit.

  • Alysse

    beautiful. 

  • Sophia

    Why am I never the “I don’t think this is working out” person? EVER?

    • Bob

      In the same boat.

      • bee

        I’m in the opposite boat.  The only reason, though, is because I’m too terrified to be in the same boat.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=10036647 Aimee Vondrak

      #preach

  • Anon

    ugh, too real

  • Guest

    Every single word of this rings true for me, and now I’m crying because I realise that our situation isn’t unique and he’s never coming back.

  • Garance

    “It feels like none of this is real
    I’ll pretend that my heart and my head are well” Camera Obscura, “Forests and Sands”.

    And yeah, this is how I felt after my most painful break up, to a t. It’s like I was sick but didn’t want to get better.

  • guest

    You’re good.

  • Genesis

    this is beautiful. ryan oh, you are da bomb. 

  • db

    I needed to read this today. Especially the last paragraph.  Thank you.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1147860061 Brandon Buchanan

    :( I bet there are some guys on grindr that could keep you company…

    • future gopher

      holy shit ur that cheerleader at my school

      • ..well

        actually no

  • Ray

    Don’t you just wish eternal sunshine of the spotless mind were real? It would make things so much easier to have them erased completely.

    • ..well

      don’t you just wish we lived in a false reality

  • http://www.facebook.com/chantaldenise86 Chantal-Denise Ortega

    Thank you. :(

  • http://www.facebook.com/jessica.lendi Jessica Lendi Dickson

    He’s on the couch behind me right now, and a year from now, he’ll be gone, our perfect inclusive world will vanish with the plane he will board without me. I will eat sushi alone at the burned church where we once had a candlelit dinner in the rain. He’s leaving me more and more each day, and there’s absolutely nothing I can do to stop it. Selfish me, be happy. I will too.

    • ..well

      …are you quoting a paragraph from a teenage novel?

  • ..well

    “always marry someone that loves you more”

  • upupandaway

    Do you still think about me like I think about you? No, of course you don’t. If you did, I wouldn’t be writing this. There’d be no inequity in feelings…
    I have spent the last 7 years (yes, 7) secretly, oh so secretly feeling that way. It wasn’t until several special holiday texts from the person who rejected me that I finally felt free from my delusion. He DOES still think about me. Was the equality of feelings all that I needed to think clearly again? 

    It absolutely lifted that awful feeling of rejection I’d been carrying around for the better part of a decade…

    • ..well

      everyone will still think about you, that is a given. it’s what they feel about you that matters..

  • Helena

    This made me so sad yet a bit satisfied knowing that I wouldn’t be the only person doing these things. Good luck to you Ryan

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=10036647 Aimee Vondrak

    Stuff just got real. Thanks, Ryan.

  • Joseph

    ” …I’m not ready to learn that lesson yet because the second I do, it means
    you’re gone forever. And I kind of like holding on to you in this sick
    and unhealthy way.”

    Every part of this article is exactly what I’m feeling, but those lines absolutely hit the bull’s eye. She’s let go of me, so I can’t let go of her, because then there will be nothing left.

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