Me: Hey 2012. Thanks for fitting me in your busy schedule…
The Year 2012: Well, I’m only two days old so things have been pretty chill. The only thing I’ve been so far is hungover. Really hungover.
Me: Are you referring to New Year’s Day AKA National Hangover Day?
The Year 2012: Yeah. It’s rough because it’s like my first day being alive but every year has to go through it. It gets better after that. And on New Year’s’ Eve I get to be wasted and 2013 has to deal with the hangover, so it all evens out.
Me: What about all those nasty rumors though?
The Year 2012: Look, I did NOT have an affair with the year 1969…
Me: Ew, no. I meant about the world ending and stuff. What if you don’t get a New Year’s Eve because we’re ashes to ashes, dust to dust?
The Year 2012: Ugh, you imbeciles! That isn’t going to happen. You know how much crap I’ve gotten for being 2012? When I was chosen to be this year, all the other years were snickering and taunting me, saying things like, “Oh, good luck with being 2012! That’ll be a real blast!” But it’s BS! Do you even know how much opium the Mayans smoked? Jesus…
Me: Okay, then can you tell me what’s going to happen this year?
The Year 2012: No! I mean, what would you like to know? Maybe I can give you a blurry watercolor…
Me: Will I still have to read everyone’s thoughts every day on Twitter and Facebook? Will I still have to read about Kim Kardashian? Will I still feel a vague sense of dread whenever I do something social? Will I—
The Year 2012: One at a tIme there, cowboy. God, I thought you were going to ask me about something that was actually important. Like the Presidential Elections. Remember those? Or like healthcare?
The Year 2012: JUST KIDDING! You don’t want to know about those anyway. Trust me. Okay, so Kim Kardashian is still going to be around. Kris Jenner is in bed with all of the years up here, so I don’t think she’s going anywhere. FB and Twitter will also stick around (You can follow me at Im2012bitch) and I think your sense of dread will only increase if you don’t change your ‘tude. Life gets harder as you get older and it requires more effort each year to sustain some semblance of happiness.
Me: Oh great.
The Year 2012: What? You wanted to know..
Me: No, I know. What about New Year’s Resolutions? How many people actually keep theirs?
The Year 2012: OMG, the best part of this job is getting to read everyone’s New Year’s Resolutions. They’re the best!
Me: Wait, but how do you do that?
The Year 2012: Mind reading, duh! Most of them revolve around weight loss or quitting a vice of some kind. There were so many of them this year that were just like “My New Year’s Resolution is to get over my ex. But like for real this time….”
Me: Do they?
The Year 2012: No! You can’t force anything. You just have to cut the person off and pray that time will take care of the rest. You know that.
The Year 2012: I know your bio. I did a lot of talking to the years 2005-2008.
Me: Okay, Nancy Drew. How embarrassing! Do all of the years just get together and gossip?
The Year 2012: Maybe…
Me: Ew! I’m creeped out now. I gotta go…
The Year 2012: K bye.
Me: One more thing. Don’t screw me, 2012.
The Year 2012: Don’t screw yourself.