1. Middle schoolers having dry sex in the food court
Craving a lemonade from Hot Dog On A Stick (Don’t judge. We’ve all been on that mall lemonade tip before), I made a beeline for the food court where I was horrified to see what looked like a middle school orgy occurring at some of the tables. 13-year-old girls were sitting in their boyfriend/future Radio Shack salesman’s lap and straddling them in plain sight! It was like the movie Thirteen but in bad florescent lighting and with some orange chicken strewn about. As someone who spent their middle school years battling homosexuality, severe acne, and bleached blonde hair that was supposed to mirror Lil Kim’s, I was shocked to see that middle schoolers were actually getting action. Since they don’t have a place to hook up, I guess the mall is where it all goes down. Ew. Put that away. I am calling the police!
2. Parents and their eight children
The sheer size of the families I saw at the mall was terrifying. It was like The Brady Bunch but on acid. I would watch them enter through the front doors and wonder to myself, “Okay, so when is this family going to end? That must be the last child. It’s not? OMG, this mom’s poor vagina…” By the way, the moms usually looked like they were in their early thirties, which means they must’ve had their first child when they started eating solids. But hey, no judgement! If you want to be living la vida Kate Gosselin, go for it?
3. Fights breaking out between 6th graders
Wanting a front seat to all of the mall action, I decided to sit down on a bench and watch the entertainment unfold. Within seconds, I watched a young girl yell at some boy across the way, “You’re not a 7th grader! You’re too short!” and cackle with her girlfriends. I mean, she had a point. The boy in question couldn’t have been more than three feet tall but he protested, saying “I am too a f**king 7th grader! Go eat another hamburger, ya fatass!” Dear God, middle schoolers are evil. I am legit afraid of them because they have NO filter. If you’re overweight or not the most attractive of the bunch, they will not hesitate to call you fat or ugly. I basically live in fear of them. If I see young hooligans walking towards me, I will go to the other side of the street to avoid having my self-esteem be ripped to shreds.
4. People walking around in circles for hours
It’s been a long time since I’ve spent any substantive amount of time in a mall so I’m not quite sure how it works. Judging from my visit the other day though, I would guess that most people go to the mall with no purpose. They just hang out. While sitting comfortably on my bench and judging the patrons, I realized that I was seeing the same people over and over again. They were honestly just making a loop and walking in circles. I watched them! Look, I can understand a mallrat, but don’t you want to at least switch it up and go to another floor? No? Okay then.
5. A train
Um, yeah. For some reason there was a train that went around in circles on the second floor. There were only two people in it and one of them was a sobbing newborn baby. By the sixth time it went around, I really started to wonder if the parent was punishing their child by making them stay on.