5 Things You Will See At A Mall

Growing up, I never liked going to the mall. It always made me feel weird and lightheaded (recycled air sucks and that’s the reason why an outdoor mall, such as The Grove, is the only kind of mall that matters) and I would just end up eating too much chinese food in the food court and feeling sick for approximately 3.5 days afterwards. Apparently though I seem to suffer from some sort of mall-hate amnesia because when I had some time to kill yesterday I decided to visit the Pacific View Mall in my hometown of Ventura, California. After spending a few hours wandering around — most of which was spent on a bench with my jaw permanently dropped — I was quickly reminded of just how truly disgusting malls are and why people should really try to avoid them at all costs. Here are some of the things that I saw during my brief visit.

1. Middle schoolers having dry sex in the food court

Craving a lemonade from Hot Dog On A Stick (Don’t judge. We’ve all been on that mall lemonade tip before), I made a beeline for the food court where I was horrified to see what looked like a middle school orgy occurring at some of the tables. 13-year-old girls were sitting in their boyfriend/future Radio Shack salesman’s lap and straddling them in plain sight! It was like the movie Thirteen but in bad florescent lighting and with some orange chicken strewn about. As someone who spent their middle school years battling homosexuality, severe acne, and bleached blonde hair that was supposed to mirror Lil Kim’s, I was shocked to see that middle schoolers were actually getting action. Since they don’t have a place to hook up, I guess the mall is where it all goes down. Ew. Put that away. I am calling the police!

2. Parents and their eight children

The sheer size of the families I saw at the mall was terrifying. It was like The Brady Bunch but on acid. I would watch them enter through the front doors and wonder to myself, “Okay, so when is this family going to end? That must be the last child. It’s not? OMG, this mom’s poor vagina…” By the way, the moms usually looked like they were in their early thirties, which means they must’ve had their first child when they started eating solids. But hey, no judgement! If you want to be living la vida Kate Gosselin, go for it?

3. Fights breaking out between 6th graders

Wanting a front seat to all of the mall action, I decided to sit down on a bench and watch the entertainment unfold. Within seconds, I watched a young girl yell at some boy across the way, “You’re not a 7th grader! You’re too short!” and cackle with her girlfriends. I mean, she had a point. The boy in question couldn’t have been more than three feet tall but he protested, saying “I am too a f**king 7th grader! Go eat another hamburger, ya fatass!” Dear God, middle schoolers are evil. I am legit afraid of them because they have NO filter. If you’re overweight or not the most attractive of the bunch, they will not hesitate to call you fat or ugly. I basically live in fear of them. If I see young hooligans walking towards me, I will go to the other side of the street to avoid having my self-esteem be ripped to shreds.

4. People walking around in circles for hours

It’s been a long time since I’ve spent any substantive amount of time in a mall so I’m not quite sure how it works. Judging from my visit the other day though, I would guess that most people go to the mall with no purpose. They just hang out. While sitting comfortably on my bench and judging the patrons, I realized that I was seeing the same people over and over again. They were honestly just making a loop and walking in circles. I watched them! Look, I can understand a mallrat, but don’t you want to at least switch it up and go to another floor? No? Okay then.

5. A train

Um, yeah. For some reason there was a train that went around in circles on the second floor. There were only two people in it and one of them was a sobbing newborn baby. By the sixth time it went around, I really started to wonder if the parent was punishing their child by making them stay on. TC mark

image – Mallrats

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

Trace the scars life has left you. It will remind you that at one point, you fought for something. You believed.

“You are the only person who gets to decide if you are happy or not—do not put your happiness into the hands of other people. Do not make it contingent on their acceptance of you or their feelings for you. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if someone dislikes you or if someone doesn’t want to be with you. All that matters is that you are happy with the person you are becoming. All that matters is that you like yourself, that you are proud of what you are putting out into the world. You are in charge of your joy, of your worth. You get to be your own validation. Please don’t ever forget that.” — Bianca Sparacino

Excerpted from The Strength In Our Scars by Bianca Sparacino.

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  • mallsbeactingcrazy

    i saw the same train business going down at my hometown mall.  no tracks, just a train meandering down the concourse, hoping people move out of the way quick enough.

  • Idk

    So there’s a mall smack dab in the middle of downtown in my city and every Friday/Saturday/no work or school tomorrow night around 11 it has people walking from the bus station to the bar area through it, which is just frightening. I mean I like bars and dance clubs too, but I go to ones where there are more people wearing jeans or at least tights than spandex miniskirts and bare legs in a city that hits -20C regularly in the winter. But so many times I’ve had to avoid a group of these bacardi breezer drinking girls, and god help you if you’re in the bathroom when a group of them arrive to check their mirror before “hitting the town”. Now THAT is a mall nightmare.

  • SwedePea

    Wow. So glad I live in Sweden. None of these apply. Although, just for shits and giggles…

    5 Things You’ll See in a Mall (Swedish Edition)

    1. Every other shop is a coffee joint…. Buy clothes, coffee, buy shoes, coffee, buy jewelry, coffee, buy the latest gadget, coffee….

    2. A horse-betting station. Don’t ask, I don’t get it either.

    3. At least 1/3 of the inhabitants of the mall will be wearing hipster glasses.

    4. Teenage girls in the middle of winter dressed like whores (short skirts, low necklines, paper-thin material, strappy heels, etc)

    5. Systembolaget, or the booze shop. Any type of alcoholic beverage you’d ever want and more! Be sure you have to time your visit just right, lest you get stuck in the rush and you’ll be in line for hours (since it’s the only store in Sweden in which you can buy booze).

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_EUL6B7WZUNAHGMO5KRCKZTGP54 Damen Handle

      Oy. I got stuck in line at Systembloget for an hour at 1PM on a Saturday. Apparently they close at 3 on Saturdays.

      • SwedePea

        I’ve been there too, the best time I’ve found is right at 10, when they open… Best selection, least amount of people. :D

    • Caleb Hildenbrandt

      Must.  Move.  To Sweden.

  • Ktmcwhirter

    My hometown mall in Mississippi was the favored gym for senior citizens; every morning a group of them would do laps with their mini barbells. 

    • http://www.twitter.com/mexifrida Frida

      i have seen this many times

  • TO Woman

    Pacific View?? Get your mom to drive you to the Oaks Mall!  It has a new open air extension and low fat gelato!

  • rrrrrrRACHELlllllll

    like ya the mall sucks

  • Violet B.

    Great piece.  Once every couple of years I journey into the suburbs and over to the dreaded Mall of America.  There you can find all of the horrors of a normal mall, but amplified and punctuated by photo-taking southern tourists.  Also, rollercoasters.  

  • http://www.nicholeexplainsitall.com EarthToNichole

    I am craving Sbarro so hard after reading this.

  • TruthFairy

    Pretty succinctly sums up my middle-school experience.

    “If you’re overweight (me) or not the most attractive of the bunch(me), they will not hesitate to call you (me) fat or (and) ugly.”  FML.

  • https://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/9-places-that-will-give-you-major-anxiety/ 9 Places That Will Give You Major Anxiety | Thought Catalog

    […] though my gene pool is tainted with Valley mall trash, I still can’t seem to enjoy malls. Perhaps it’s the recycled air, which makes me legitimately lightheaded, the depressing cell […]

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    […] though my gene pool is tainted with Valley mall trash, I still can’t seem to enjoy malls. Perhaps it’s the recycled air, which makes me legitimately lightheaded, the depressing cell […]

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