Things I Would Like To Say To Certain Celebrities

Dear Miranda July,

I used to think you were terrible but now I think you’re wonderful. Amazing even. I was quick to judge you probably because I was jealous of your success. Your latest film, The Future, really showed me that you weren’t screwing around though. Like I couldn’t just hate you because it was easy. You were making important work, you were a refreshing voice, and I needed to respect that. Your new book, It Chooses You, is a great companion piece to the film. I’ve been reading it the past few days and it’s making me feel lots of things, which is always a good sign. I also liked your cover story in Paper. I can’t believe you’re like 36! Anyway, you’re great. Sorry I ever doubted you. Bye.

Dear Jessica Biel,

WHO ARE YOU? No, but seriously. I just don’t understand you at all. I remember you being on the cover of Vogue once and even the interviewer was like, “Yeah. Your career’s been kind of a joke. What’s up with that?” And you were like, ‘IDK. I’m just a homebody, you know?” Honestly, if you hadn’t latched on to one of the most famous penises in Hollywood, you would’ve just faded away along with Mary Camden. So good job with that, I guess. Also, why does it always look like you’ve rolled around in the dirt?

Dear Joseph Gordon-Levitt,

You. Oh, you. I know your type — the cute, smart, indie guy who wants to show you his favorite Pavement record and talk about Bukowski and you’re just like, “Can we make out now?” He’s so dreamy and making out with him feels fine and he probably even has a huge dick. (The cute, smart ones always surprise you. I once hooked up with the nerdiest twig who went to Berkeley and his penis was stunning. It should’ve been his thesis.) But, for some reason, you never want to see them naked. You just want to marry them and have two twin-sized beds like I Love Lucy. Joseph Gordon-Levitt is so the dude you want to make out with, marry, and have babies with but only by some form of immaculate conception. If it’s worth anything, I did want to bone him in Mysterious Skin when he played a gay teen hustler but that’s more of like a personality defect on my part.

Dear Mary-Kate Olsen,

where r u? where r u? where r u? How many times must I write about you before you just magically appear in my apartment and say, with your stoner Valley girl drawl, “Let’s go on an adventureeeeee!” Oh my god, I would go ANYWHERE with you. I  mean, I know your definition of adventure means calling your dealer and going to the bodega for a Luna bar but I don’t care. I’ll then come back to your industrial loft space near the Hudson and braid your hair and listen to you talk sh-t about Ashley (“It’s like she gets it but she doesn’t get it, you know?”) and then maybe we would watch some boring art film on Xanax and pass out to the credits of Full House. Ugh. Heaven. And to certain people, hell, I’m sure.

Dear Mark Ruffalo,

You are so attractive. And I truly admire your willingness to be naked in almost of all your films. That really means a lot to me. Emotionally, spiritually, and physically. You seem like the kind of dude who’s nude all the time anyway. You give me a strong hippie vibe. Like you’re probably smoking a blunt naked right now in your treehouse in Laurel Canyon. Take me there, Mark. I wanna go there. TC mark

image – Maggie Jumps

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

Trace the scars life has left you. It will remind you that at one point, you fought for something. You believed.

“You are the only person who gets to decide if you are happy or not—do not put your happiness into the hands of other people. Do not make it contingent on their acceptance of you or their feelings for you. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if someone dislikes you or if someone doesn’t want to be with you. All that matters is that you are happy with the person you are becoming. All that matters is that you like yourself, that you are proud of what you are putting out into the world. You are in charge of your joy, of your worth. You get to be your own validation. Please don’t ever forget that.” — Bianca Sparacino

Excerpted from The Strength In Our Scars by Bianca Sparacino.

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  • Anonymous

    Mark Ruffalo, Unf.

  • http://thefirstchurchofmutterhals.blogspot.com/ mutterhals

    “Yes I will sit on your face Josh Homme, thank you for asking.”

  • 123

    “his penis was stunning. It should’ve been his thesis.”
    So good.

  • xannastella

    “Let’s go on an adventureeeeee!”   hahah so spot on, every damn time. <3 you RY

  • Iamsoy

    THANK YOU LAWD for calling out Jessica Biel!

    • Anonymous

      I think the same applies to Rachel Bilson

  • rgar

    The Mary-Kate Olsen bit – perfection. So many gems in the rest of the article too. 

  • http://twitter.com/tannnyaya Tanya Salyers

    Ah, I want MKO to be my bff!

  • Vicky Shazam

    eeee i disagree with the twin bed thing about jgl. he’s so sexy! have you seen Hesher? <3

  • http://twitter.com/IngridBee Ingrid Bejerman

    Miranda July, my thoughts as written by you.  Keep me posted if you have something to say to Ryan Gosling!

  • Kaitlynclement

    why is it that jessica biel always looks like she’s rolled in the dirty? i love this. 

  • http://www.facebook.com/ivanavi Ivan Dutton

    Mark Ruffalo! Yes! Yes! Yes! Glad someone agrees he’s one of the hottest men in Hollywood.

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