People You Don’t Want To Be Friends With On Facebook

1. The person who made your life a living hell in high school

Oh, we have 55 mutual friends and you’re telling me that this is a “Person I May Know”? Screw off, Facebook. Of course I know this person. How could I forget them? They taunted me mercilessly in high school. They gave me anxiety while walking down the hallways and intimidated me with the Linkin’ Park sticker on their backpack. So, no, I wouldn’t like to befriend them on Facebook. I wanted to delete them when I was in high school so I certainly don’t want to see pictures of them now eating California Pizza Kitchen and skiing in Colorado.

2. Your ex’s new BF/GF

Sure, why not?! Why not friend this person who’s having sex with someone who once was the love of my life? Maybe I’ll even write on their wall something like this:

Hey babe! Love the new pics of u and my ex in Hawaii! Funnily enough we went there once together like five years ago and had the time of our lives! Did my ex tell you that? Did he tell you that Hawaii reminded him so much about me and, oh my god, I should probably call and say hello! Did he then break up with you?! ANSWER ME! Bye.
P.S. You’re fat.
P.P.S. Let’s get lunch.

3. Mark Zuckerberg

Why would I want to friend Mark Zuckerberg—a man who has unknowingly put me in 1,000 bad moods and caused hours of procrastination? Plus, he probably gets 500k every time I lurk his page so no thanks. Instead, I’ll add the Winklevoss twins. They’re hot.

4. The person you used to intern for

I got you coffee, I scanned 400 copies of a weird fashion pictorial, I even picked up your dry cleaning once. So no. You don’t get to be my Facebook friend. I’m sorry. I don’t need to see pictures of you lIvIn It uP at some fancy party while some poor soul is having an anxiety attack about giving you the wrong cup of coffee. But wait, can you add me on LinkedIn? Thanks so much….

5. Your mom

Mom, I live for you, I die for you. I can’t wait to see you at Christmas! But I can’t be on that Facebook tip with you. I would rather go back in your vagina for nine months and have you give birth to me again than have you post things about babies with terminal cancer on my wall. Let’s keep this relationship sacred and leave the Internet out of it. Plus, I don’t think you want to see my status updates about being horny, hungover, or being horny AND hungover, which is often the case.

6. Your grandma

Gandma?! What are YOU doing here?! Go back to your exercise class! And stop sending me chain letters! Love you though! Take your vitamins.

7. Your childhood BFF

We used to eat our boogers and play house together. Now I’m looking at pictures of you drunk holding a pitcher of beer on St. Patrick’s Day. No. I want to preserve you in my memory as the person with permanently scraped knees and an active sense of imagination. Now it appears you’re not doing much with your life besides getting drunk and eating nachos. TC mark

image – Gullliame Pamier

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.


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  • Asmond Chew

    i love this “Plus, I don’t think you want to see my status updates about being horny, hungover, or being horny AND hungover, which is often the case.” 

  • Mattchew03

    Conversely, I don’t want to be friends with my mom on Facebook because of *her* status updates about being horny and hungover.

    • Gregory Costa

      So, umm…who’s your mom?  Name and address please. 

      • Anonymous

        Somewhere in Michigan.

        You’re welcome.

  • Gregory Costa

    How about your weird  aunt from Maine who decides her sister’s funeral is the best time to ask, “I saw your Facebook and I need to ask something.  Are you gay?  Yes or no.  Just tell me.  Don’t think about it.  I’ve always wanted a gay nephew.” 

  • macgyver51

    Your articles are the internet version of the Kardashian reality show.

  • Candace

    i don’t want to be facebook friends with anyone who writes an article called “people you don’t want to be friends with on facebook”

  • Anonymous

    I’m facebook friends with my brother who is 12 years older than me. My relationship status is jokingly, of course, “in a civil partnership with [gay best friend]” (don’t judge me.)  Older brother saw this, thought it was real, talked to  dad about it, who then phoned me to ask if it was true.  He thought the civil partnership might be some kind of business arrangement between gbf and I.  Moral of the story. Don’t friend siblings who are more than a decade older than you.  

    • Kai

      Oh god. I’ve got 13 and 15 years on my brothers. Am I going to be too old to be their FB friend?
      Yes, and that’s probably ok.

    • Armand Langston Hayes

      I jokingly stated in a status I maybe going crazy for going to the wrong class on the wrong day. My mom then somehow saw it through my older sisters fb. She apparently thought I seriously thought I was going crazy and sent me a concerned mother text. Ever since then I been fiddling with the privacy choices everytime i post lol

  • misskimball

    lol @ babies with terminal cancer

  • Kai

    5.a) Your mom’s husband.

    Almost every time my mom and I talk on the phone (and sometimes when she emails me), she mentions something that she could only know from Facebook. Since she never logs on, I know that my stepdad has seen it and mentioned it to her and she needs to talk about it. UGH.

  • meow

    that “we used to eat our boogers” line had me rolling!!

  • Anonymous

    On the contrary, I like being friends with Mark Zuckerberg. In fact, I send him a message every single week. Mostly consisting of: ” You better lawyer up asshole, because I’m not coming back for 30%, I’m coming back for EVERYTHING.” 

  • chrissy hyde

    I love your writing. Seriously. You’re my favorite on this site.

  • ramnik

    But wait, can you add me on LinkedIn? Thanks so much….

    LOL accurate

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