Thought Catalog

I Wish I Could Make You Cry

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I wish I could make you cry. God, it would be the best gift you’d ever give me. Better than a Sunday morning orgasm or a mixed tape. Better than a faded picture of us that I could put in my drawer to remind myself that someone once loved me. No, a few of your tears (four max!) would mean more to me than any of that. It would make my heart swell up with relief and I’d feel a sense of accomplishment. I’d die happy knowing that I made a grown man cry. Have you ever done that before? Didn’t think so.

It’s funny how drastically things can change. In the beginning, all I wanted to do was make you happy. I wanted you to be as far away as possible from the land of tears, and if someone had told me that I would eventually be writing something about how badly I wanted to make you cry, I don’t know if I would’ve believed them. I don’t know if I’d be able to imagine such a thing. But here we are! Believe it. That’s just how this relationship happened to work out, I guess. I’m sorry, I’m new to all of this. I’m learning everything as I go along. Please forgive me for being a slow learner.

If I could make you cry, it would mean that I meant something to you. It would mean that you cared about me in a way that scared you and made you uncomfortable. You only cry about once a year. It’s reserved for special occasions only. I know this for a fact because you’ve told me. To the best of my knowledge, these are the last three things that have made you cry:

  1. You used to get in fights with people in middle school and when they were finished, you said you would always cry, no matter what. It wasn’t about winning or losing a fight with someone. It was about trying to understand new emotions (and ultimately failing), and realizing that being “a man” meant inflicting physical harm on people who didn’t deserve it.
  2. Your parents’ divorce. But you only cried once and it was in the bath when everyone else had gone to bed.
  3. That movie Simon Birch. It was on cable and you were sort of hungover and I understand completely because that movie made me tear up too.

Basically, I want to be a part of that list! Put me right after Simon Birch. I seriously would be so honored. The other day, when you were picking up your things, I asked — no, demanded — that you cry for me. I felt stupid doing it alone in front of you and I wanted you to join in like we were some kind of symphony. A symphony of heartbroken gay boys. At that point, I was exhausted. I was tired of not saying what was exactly on my mind so I just blurted out everything. And I thought it would get the tear ducts going. They’d get all lubricated. But no. Nothing happened. You just stood there with your not-crying face and watched me dissolve into mush. It was real cute.

I know I don’t have the power to make you cry and it breaks my heart. Is there something wrong with me? Why can’t I garner a powerful reaction from someone who supposedly loved me? When I asked you to cry you told me, “Boys don’t cry!” and I laughed but now I don’t think that was a funny thing to say. In retrospect, I don’t think that was a funny thing to say at all. TC mark

image – janineomg
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  • Reid

    What the fuck?

  • Sophia

    The best part of my recent breakup was that we both sat there and cried in silence for a long time. It made me feel like I wasn’t the only one that was hurting. I’m sorry, Ryan. I understand what you mean :/

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  • Vianca Pandit

    Ryan, while I agree tears are better than indifference I’m not sure if they’re a good thing. I’ve made many a man cry thanks to my exceptional capacity for destruction and it winds up just making me awful.

    PS: He appears to be the kind of guy who cries alone. Everyone cries. It’s just where and with whom that matters.

    • Alina D.

      I like this statement: “everyone cries”.

    • Jennifer Wamsley

      True enough. I’m not a big fan of crying where anyone other than my spouse can see/hear me. I didn’t cry at my mom’s funeral – but I did plenty before and after, and at her interment. I know my husband cries, but he’ll do it when he’s alone, or try to be so silent and still that he thinks I won’t notice.

      That being said, I’ve been in relationships where I’ve done a lot of things in order to get any reaction at all. Like Vianca points out, tears aren’t always a good thing. Neither is doing *anything* to get them. Accept that the person has feelings, perhaps even tears, but is a very private person.

  • beatrice

    I cry for him in the most silent of nights when i’m alone. I don’t know whether he’s cried for me, or teared. Nor do I know if he’s ever really cared. All I know is that I’ve never cried harder than when he told me that he honestly thought I had bipolar.

    I wish I  could make you cry

  • Hessa

    you reminded of an old song it was like this

    I want to make you
    let me hurt you, and let me heal you” anyway sadlyI understand what you mean :( great post

  • xx

    fucking beautiful

  • ggggggggggg

    So true it hurts. 

  • Ian

    ugh! I want to make the guy I love cry now, too.

    you have a strange power, O’Connell…

  • Aksf

    I used to take a weird comfort in making my ex cry. More than once I did escalated arguments and cut as deep as I could to get the reaction. He was a very masculine respectable kind of guy and knowing I could bring a man like that to that point gave me comfort. It was evil and wrong but it made me feel good. I ended up getting what I deserved and hopefully I am a better person now for it. Either way I ruined one of the best things that ever happened to me.

    • Guest

      same here. 

  • Vasiliki Lampris

    damn you ryan, we got the same(plus lame) taste in guys.

  • Sam

    I understand exactly what you’re saying. I’ve only seen my boyfriend of three years cry one time during our relationship, and it was because I made him cry. I still feel guilty about it. Everyone shows their love in different ways.

  • Anonymous

    I get this completely. My ex cried when he ended it with me, he cried whilst I cried. However I cried for 2 weeks after that day whilst he was fine. We spoke on the phone and all I could do was cry, and all  I could hear from his side was silence. I thought CRY BA$%^”D but he wouldn’t. Thats when I realised he didn’t care anymore. So I realised I shouldn’t either. Painful but true.

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