I Hate Coffee

My brain after I’ve had a cup of coffee

Emailing: OMG, I LOVE to answer emails. GIVE ME MORE. Ugh, I can’t get enough. I also love the sound of my fingers hitting the keys on my laptop. It sounds like I’m stomping on a bug. God, bugs are gross. I love to kill them. Is that bad? OMG, someone just sent me another email. Answered prayers!

When my mom calls: I’m so excited! My mom is calling me! I’m not going to ignore it this time. No sirrie. I want to talk to her because I love her so much. I really do. I was in that woman’s vagina for nine freaking months (FIRST AND LAST, BY THE WAY) so the least I could do is pick up her phone call!

Hopes for the day: I’m going to conquer the world! I’m going to cure world hunger! I’m going to call my old friend from middle school to say what’s up. I’m going to have the best poop of my life in about five seconds!

Feelings about personal attractiveness: I look and feel cracked out but I. DON’T. CARE.

My brain before I’ve had a cup of coffee

Emailing: Wait, can these stop? Seriously. Just stop. I can’t answer of all these.

When my mom calls: Dear God. I can’t run THAT marathon today. She’s going to ask me all of these questions that I don’t have the answers to and I’m just going to feel overwhelmed. I can’t. Please phone. Stop ringing. Every time you do, I feel just a little bit more like a churlish child.

Hopes for the day: I just hope I don’t die. Or fall asleep at work. Maybe if I’m feeling super ambitious, I’ll make it to the deli for some candy.

Feelings about personal attractiveness: CAN YOU BELIEVE PEOPLE HAVE SEX WITH ME SOMETIMES?

So I hate coffee. It makes me feel nauseous and need to poop and my breath stinks and sometimes I start twitching. New York City runs on uppers though so I needed to just bite the bullet and start my day with a cup of crack like everyone else. You know what’s super embarrassing though? Since I seriously despise the taste of it, I need to get coffee drinks that are loaded with chocolate and milk, which is obviously mortifying. Whenever I’m with a real coffee drinker, I have to whisper to the barista my order of an iced mocha or latte (with skim obvs) because I’m just so ashamed. Meanwhile, they wolf down their pure espresso drink like it’s a bag of beautiful dicks. I don’t get it. How does one actually enjoy the taste of it? And you know what’s even more mind-boggling? People who switch to decaf. WTF? Why? If you aren’t getting the crack then what’s the point? Drink a glass of water for god sakes! TC mark

image – dyobmit

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.


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  • http://omgstephlol.tumblr.com Stephanie Georgopulos

    I quit coffee, I’m a tea hoe now. My pee is pure as Niagara Falls.

    • http://twitter.com/NIKO93 Alex Nikolov

      You’ve quit smoking, you’ve quit coffee. What happened, man? You used to be cool…

  • http://about.me/mattcherette Matt Cherette

    Yeah, “coffee.” Sure, Ryan.

  • Alison

    I actually like the taste of coffee… it’s an acquired thing, I know.
    But I agree with you about decaf. Why? Decaf tastes like pennies and doesn’t have any caffeine in it. It has no place in this world.

  • Mark

    I don’t “get” decaf either. I suppose it’s analogous to fake soy-meat products like “tofurkey”.

    • http://www.facebook.com/grc15r Gregory Costa

      Nah, I disagree.  Unless tofurkey gives you a full flavor of meat without the jitters.

  • Guest

    You hate the taste, but you drink coffee out of a sense of peer pressure? Seriously? Are you 12?

    • mya

      No he drinks it for the caffeine, not for the taste.

    • Guest

      I dont think he means he drinks it out of peer pressure, I think he means that everyone else is drinking it and so is energized and cracked out, so he needs to be eneergized and cracked out in order to compete. ya?

  • Thalia

    i never understood the appeal of decaf either

    • http://www.facebook.com/grc15r Gregory Costa

      Haven’t you ever just wanted a slice of pie with the delicious taste of coffee?  Come on.  It’s not always about the cafeine.

  • http://twitter.com/CarolineBottger Caroline Bottger

    After I have a cup of coffee I usually feel like I need to vomit for like 5 hours afterward, so I feel ya.

  • Robert L.

    Coffee-breath can be cured by chewing fennel seeds, Ryan. Coffee-and-Indian-food-lover’s wisdom.

  • http://www.breakfastbachelor.com Alexander Testere

    I love coffee, and also the word “churlish.”

  • Ellen

    “beautiful bag of dicks”.

    So after the bar and alone drunk rn, so in love with you rn.

    • Ellen

      I can’t even quote correctly. Tell me Ryan, why is it I’m a lone right now? Because I have work in the morning, and if I don’t take the smoky eye makeup off at my own apt, someone will know what’s up.

  • guest


  • Anton

    You should stop doing cocaine while drinking coffee. 
    You’ll realize how much milder are the effects of caffeine.

  • http://www.nicholeexplainsitall.com EarthToNichole

    This, but replace “coffee” with “Adderall”.

  • http://dirtyyoungmen.wordpress.com Maxwell Chance

    I drink my coffee black to remind myself of the harsh and shitty world we live in.

    • Anton

      I drink my coffee black so that when I look at my reflection in the cup it seems that I’m in a smoky noir movie.

  • kgb kgbb

    I put 9 sugars and alot of cream in mine.  

  • Dan

    Man up, motherfucker. Drink your coffee like the man your momma is calling to tell you she wished you were.

  • Noah Fry

    Hahaha this is hilarious. It’s so true as well. I’m the manager and barista of a small time coffee shop, I have to say that the espresso taste is definitely acquired. Like fine wine. I feel like I should also mention that even though I love an Americano with a tiny bit of cream, I love nothing more than an Iced Caramel Latte. Secrets out.

  • Ariel

    First off. Dan is a dick. Second of all. this is hilarious.

  • Caio

    You americans. So funny … you make such a big deal out of it. Nothing better than a pure espresso.

  • http://imlikecocaine.wordpress.com/ Ana

    oh, Americans and diluted coffee. nothing better than a black bitter coffee, and espressos?delicacies. how could you not drink coffee for the taste?

  • http://kylelamar.com/ Kyle LaMar

    Water and tea is my jam… whilst I watch coffee drinkers try to sustain caffeine highs for 8 hours.

  • http://twitter.com/ArchStudy_Probs ArchiStudentProblems

    But Ryan I love coffee. How else am I supposed to become an architect? A career in which I have even less job prospects than a writer..

  • http://twitter.com/snuggiebunnies Olivia Moore

    coffee and cigarettes always make me have to poop…wtf…

    • http://twitter.com/snuggiebunnies Olivia Moore

      i can’t stop laughing @ a big beautiful bag of dicks…ahahahah omg

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