1. Don’t go outside, you psycho!
You know what costs money? Leaving your apartment. Seriously. Every step you take outside of someone’s apartment deletes $20 from your wallet. You can spend $150 on a night out without ever realizing it. The next morning, you wake up to an empty wallet and honesty think for a split second that you’ve been robbed. You call your friends in a panic and say to them, “OMG, I’ve been pickpocketed! We must catch the thief at once!” And to a certain extent, you’d be right. The two glasses of wine you had at dinner stole from your wallet, the cab ride to and from da club stole some money, and the 3 a.m. pizza run just robbed you blind. Honestly, I don’t know why we think spending a lot of money on going places will equal a fun night. Staying in with a small group of friends can actually lead to an insane time. Crazy things happen when you’re in a safe space. I’ve had more wild nights on a night that was supposed to be mellow with a friend than I have going on a bar crawl. So if you’re strapped for cash, just invite a few good friends over and prepare for things to get weird.
2. B.Y.O.B. babe!
Say it with me: B.Y.O.B. Learn it and live it, kids. Chances are buying drinks is why you’re constantly scrambling for your credit card at the end of the month. Drinks may seem cheap initially but they add up quick. Next time you wanna get cray cray, buy your own booze and bring it with you to a restaurant or pour it in a flask. Saying no to a ten dollar cocktail will never have felt so good.
3. Happy hour
If you must spend money on alcohol, go to a great happy hour. Some of them have deals that are too wasted to be true, so do some research! Another plus side about happy hour is that you’re usually drunk by 9 p.m. and just want to go home and sleep, which is free!
4. Whatever you do, say NO to attending the birthday dinner
I don’t care if it’s your BFF’s birthday, under no circumstances should someone on a budget attend a birthday dinner. They’re designed to actually delete all of the money from your paycheck. You might as well give up your wallet the second you enter the restaurant and just be surprised by how much everything cost later. Birthday dinners are an evil insidious invention brought to us by rich people. I know we want to feel grown up and go drink wine and eat truffle mac and cheese with our friends but don’t get it twisted honey. We have no BUSINESS being near truffle mac and cheese. Get some canned foods and call it a day.
5. Go to a park, you dirty hippie!
Parks are free. Parks are pretty. You can lie in them for hours for free.
6. Hang out with a friend who will pay for things
Ok, this one is sort of evil. Make sure you’re genuinely friends with this person before you take advantage of their generosity. And to pay them back — paint them a picture or something. Rich people LOVE homemade gifts. They think they’re so cute and precious.
7. Be a girl
Girls get a lot of things for free. (PS. That stuff isn’t free. It comes at the price of your self-respect but, whatevs, let’s do sake bombs! LOL!) When I went to Las Vegas with my girlfriends, I was shocked by how frequently I was punished for being a male. Getting into clubs cost them nothing while I had to fork over thirty bucks.