You know how some people are always like “OMG, I’m such a klutz! It’s so embarrassing!” and they’re sort of lying? Like, yeah, they might’ve spilled coffee on themselves once or twice but they’re essentially a graceful ballerina. Well, I find this kind of person offensive because I AM a genuine spaz. I am the real-life Laney Boggs or Josie Grossie. Besides getting hit by a car, I’ve done many things to prove that I should just be put in a bubble. Here are just some of my offenses.
Just yesterday, I was at the counter of some restaurant getting water and when I was walking back to my table, I sipped some that went down the wrong hole and started choking in front of all the patrons. Water went everywhere—through my nose and out my mouth—and I’m pretty sure people thought I was dying but I ran away before anyone had a chance to help me.
A few months ago, I went to go see The Lion King 3D with a few of my friends at the theatre. After the credits started to roll, I started to make my way down the stairs but it was so dark that I fell backwards on my ass. The woman behind me started laughing so hard, she began to cry. In between sobs, she apologized for her rudeness but then proceeded to laugh at me some more. Ugh.
So I’m blind. People always look at the thickness of my glasses and comment on that very obvious fact. Sometimes they even ask me if they can try them on. To which I always say no. I mean, why would I oblige? So you can put my glasses on and be like, “WOW, YOU REALLY ARE BLIND!” while I sit there and get a headache? No thanks. I know I can’t see. In fact I know that I’m unable to go ANY distance without my glasses. Case in point: one of my lenses popped out of my glasses while I was out and about by myself. I initially panicked but quickly calmed down when I saw that an optometrist was actually located a mere block away. Seeing as it was such a short distance, I thought there’d be no problem getting there with only one lens in. Um, wrong. I ate it big time while crossing the street and started bleeding everywhere in front of La Scala in Beverly Hills. Disoriented and scared, I squinted my way to the optometrist and came running in holding my pair of glasses screaming, “Can someone fix my glasses and maybe get me a tissue?” These Beverly Hills eye doctor divas just looked at me like I was a homeless teen runaway before offering to help me! It was so mortifying.
A few weeks after my bloody moment in Beverly Hills, I was walking to a house party in West Hollywood with a friend and ate crap AGAIN, this time busting up my knee pretty badly. Since I also happened to be three glasses of wine deep at the time, I didn’t really notice how badly I had hurt myself. I just immediately got up and laughed it off until I felt an unfamiliar sensation of liquid in my shoe. When I looked down, I saw that a big amount of blood was trickling down my leg and pooling into my boat shoes, creating an unfortunate “SWOOSH SWOOSH” sound as I walked. Horrified, I arrived at my friends party and made a beeline for the bathroom to clean myself up. Unfortunately, almost every person at the party I had already seen the damage as I walked in and written me off as “Crazy Bloody Drunk Person.” :(
A month ago, I was trying to plug in my computer at a coffee shop. I had to bend over sideways in my chair to reach the outlet and before I knew it my chair (and me) had fallen to the ground. I guess being a blogger is officially dangerous.
There are so many more instances of me embarrassing myself, some of which are just too cringeworthy to share. But I hope this at least convinces you that, unlike some people, I am not a faker. I’m actually an accident-prone freak. This isn’t Gisele giving an interview in Vogue about what a nerdy spastic person she is in real life. “It’s just so weird that people think of me as cool and graceful because I swear the OPPOSITE is true!” No, this is the real anti-Midas touch deal.