Embarrassing Things I’ve Done In Public

You know how some people are always like “OMG, I’m such a klutz! It’s so embarrassing!” and they’re sort of lying? Like, yeah, they might’ve spilled coffee on themselves once or twice but they’re essentially a graceful ballerina. Well, I find this kind of person offensive because I AM a genuine spaz. I am the real-life Laney Boggs or Josie Grossie. Besides getting hit by a car, I’ve done many things to prove that I should just be put in a bubble. Here are just some of my offenses.

Just yesterday, I was at the counter of some restaurant getting water and when I was walking back to my table, I sipped some that went down the wrong hole and started choking in front of all the patrons. Water went everywhere—through my nose and out my mouth—and I’m pretty sure people thought I was dying but I ran away before anyone had a chance to help me.

A few months ago, I went to go see The Lion King 3D with a few of my friends at the theatre. After the credits started to roll, I started to make my way down the stairs but it was so dark that I fell backwards on my ass. The woman behind me started laughing so hard, she began to cry. In between sobs, she apologized for her rudeness but then proceeded to laugh at me some more. Ugh.

So I’m blind. People always look at the thickness of my glasses and comment on that very obvious fact. Sometimes they even ask me if they can try them on. To which I always say no. I mean, why would I oblige? So you can put my glasses on and be like, “WOW, YOU REALLY ARE BLIND!” while I sit there and get a headache? No thanks. I know I can’t see. In fact I know that I’m unable to go ANY distance without my glasses. Case in point: one of my lenses popped out of my glasses while I was out and about by myself. I initially panicked but quickly calmed down when I saw that an optometrist was actually located a mere block away. Seeing as it was such a short distance, I thought there’d be no problem getting there with only one lens in. Um, wrong. I ate it big time while crossing the street and started bleeding everywhere in front of La Scala in Beverly Hills. Disoriented and scared, I squinted my way to the optometrist and came running in holding my pair of glasses screaming, “Can someone fix my glasses and maybe get me a tissue?” These Beverly Hills eye doctor divas just looked at me like I was a homeless teen runaway before offering to help me! It was so mortifying.

A few weeks after my bloody moment in Beverly Hills, I was walking to a house party in West Hollywood with a friend and ate crap AGAIN, this time busting up my knee pretty badly. Since I also happened to be three glasses of wine deep at the time, I didn’t really notice how badly I had hurt myself. I just immediately got up and laughed it off until I felt an unfamiliar sensation of liquid in my shoe. When I looked down, I saw that a big amount of blood was trickling down my leg and pooling into my boat shoes, creating an unfortunate “SWOOSH SWOOSH” sound as I walked. Horrified, I arrived at my friends party and made a beeline for the bathroom to clean myself up. Unfortunately, almost every person at the party I had already seen the damage as I walked in and written me off as “Crazy Bloody Drunk Person.” :(

A month ago, I was trying to plug in my computer at a coffee shop. I had to bend over sideways in my chair to reach the outlet and before I knew it my chair (and me) had fallen to the ground. I guess being a blogger is officially dangerous.

There are so many more instances of me embarrassing myself, some of which are just too cringeworthy to share. But I hope this at least convinces you that, unlike some people, I am not a faker. I’m actually an accident-prone freak. This isn’t Gisele giving an interview in Vogue about what a nerdy spastic person she is in real life. “It’s just so weird that people think of me as cool and graceful because I swear the OPPOSITE is true!” No, this is the real anti-Midas touch deal. TC mark

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

Trace the scars life has left you. It will remind you that at one point, you fought for something. You believed.

“You are the only person who gets to decide if you are happy or not—do not put your happiness into the hands of other people. Do not make it contingent on their acceptance of you or their feelings for you. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if someone dislikes you or if someone doesn’t want to be with you. All that matters is that you are happy with the person you are becoming. All that matters is that you like yourself, that you are proud of what you are putting out into the world. You are in charge of your joy, of your worth. You get to be your own validation. Please don’t ever forget that.” — Bianca Sparacino

Excerpted from The Strength In Our Scars by Bianca Sparacino.

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  • http://twitter.com/rachelllane rachelllane

    I need to hear about those other cringeworthy instances.

    • Hannah

      me fucking too!

  • molly

    i just fell yesterday by myself in my backyard and skinned my knee on concrete.  i don’t even know what caused me to fall.  there were no witnesses, but i was still embarrassed. 

  • Bemswort05

    This made me crack up! I thought I was the only one.

  • Erin

    I fell on a slippery crosswalk at college on my ass. The crossing guard laughed so hard as did everyone else and he said to me so rudely “Wow, that’s embarrassing!” Now even though I was humiliated I quickly got up and shouted back “Not as embarrassing as your job, thanks!”

    • http://twitter.com/rachelllane rachelllane

      Being a crossing guard isn’t embarrassing, it’d be embarrassing to get hit by a car if he weren’t there :) 

      • LOL

        Bye bye!

  • Kait

    I never don’t have freshly scrapped knees.

  • Dylan V

    The fact that you referenced “Josie Grossie”, the nickname for Drew Berrymore’s character in the greatest/worst rom com of all time Never Been Kissed made this an automatic win. LOVE.

  • Kaitlyn

    I fell over in one of those desks that have the seat attached, the open side to the ground. My teacher had to help me out.

  • Rosie

    Yesterday my friend told me she was buying an engagement ring with her boyfriend. I was so surprised, I walked into a giant cast iron horse statue. I feel your pain.

  • mya

    I was wearing a skirt with the zipper in the back,
    had a stranger zip it up saying, “Everyone can see your blue thong, sweetie”

    The best experience to have right before an interview.

  • Guestation

    I flew off my bike in to a bush in front of like gridlock traffic, as i was cleaning the dirt an twigs off my legs this stupid motorcycle guy goes “DON’T WORRY SWEETIE NOBODY SAW THAT EXCEPT FOR ME!!!”

  • Suzanne

    I recently tried to take up running which ended at the end of my road when I tripped and took the skin off most of my calf, the other knee and both my hands. I walked with a limp for the best part of a month!

    I also once fell over twice in one day causing me to knock myself unconscious and have to spend a night in hospital with concussion.

    I don’t even have a excuse like poor vision. I just seem unable to maintain balance : /

  • Bealtaine

    I’d love to hear the more cringey moments!My list goes on forever but a few choice moments were : walking into a moving car, falling up flights of stairs and recently the almost fall (where you basically fall but your body is so used to it, it just rights itself….it looks quite odd) :P 

  • guest

    a list without numbers is an article.

    • Erin

      Haters gon’ hate.

  • http://dodge-and-deflect.tumblr.com/ Katie

    One time, I was at work bringing water to a table. Literally right as I stepped up to them, I choked on my own spit. I couldn’t talk and my face was turning red. It was bad. 

  • Cait

    Love the post. I recently thought it was a good idea to wear fleece footy pajamas even though I’m 25 years old. Needless to say, the lack of traction caused me to fall down my steps. That was the day I broke my ass and my dignity.

  • stray cat

    Oh, I love that these things happen to other people. My most recent moment: about a month ago I was at a bar, drinking beer and socializing and whatnot, and I wound up falling backwards. I managed to use my free hand to catch myself on a pool table and not actually fall to the ground, but my hand holding the beer glass went up towards my head and I threw all of my beer into my own face. :(

  • http://www.facebook.com/Andlikethecatihaveninetimestodie Heather Mckown

     There is something wrong with my hands, i drop about fifteen to thirty things per day…i’ve broken close to a hundred plates/glasses/bowls in my home over the years by dropping them on the floor.  I think it’s because my hands are really small and my fingers really thin so i cant get a good grip on most things.  I also always spill something on my clothes every day, it’s inevitable even with the best intentions by the end of the day i will have paint or food or ink or blood on my clothes.

  • http://www.facebook.com/Andlikethecatihaveninetimestodie Heather Mckown

    i’ve also broken my toe by jumping over my cat, (she was in the hallway and i was rushing to get the door and i almost stepped on her but jumped over her just in time…but slammed my little toe into the wall).

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