5 Things You Shouldn’t Do If You Plan On Hooking Up With Someone

1. Eat heavy foods

Full disclosure: My tummy is a temperamental diva. I’m not one of those people that can douse things in hot sauce, drown myself in curry and then be like, “Wanna roll around in the hay?” to someone. It doesn’t work like that. I need to lay down and have a heart-to-heart with my stomach to see where it’s at emotionally, physically, and spiritually after ingesting a big meal. I mean, it’s still recovering from Thanksgiving— a day in which Chris Brown was the turkey, mashed potatoes and pumpkin pie and my delicate feather of a stomach was poor Rihanna. In short, the food pummeled me. So if I ever plan on getting jiggy with it later, I have to remember to not get jiggly with it before. I have to eat inoffensive foods like salads, soups, or like a cucumber sandwich. Eating anything more intense than that means I run the risk of my stomach not being DTF later. The curry will have come between us.

2. Smoke weed

In college it wasn’t uncommon to cap off a great date by going back to someone’s house to smoke weed afterwards. Back then, having someone be like, “Hey. You wanna come back to my house and get stoned and maybe a watch movie?” was the highest honor you could receive. It was basically like saying, “Gosh, I really like you and I think there’s a good chance we could date. Since I’m too weird of a person to be honest with my feelings, I’m going to just smoke you out for free so you know that my crush is for real.” At first, getting stoned with your crush would feel like a fun bonding experience but it could quickly take a #dark turn if you ever found yourself getting too stoned. Then, instead of hooking up in a blissed out stoner fantasy, you just become ultra-paranoid and think of ways you can leave their apartment without it coming off as a rejection. In the future, you should always just save smoking weed for the second date. Your stoned face isn’t ready to make a debut so early.

3. Talk about your ex

Don’t talk about your ex on the first. I mean, duh, but NOT DUH, because apparently everyone does it. With gay men, I think it’s actually more of a bragging thing like, “Just so you know, I’m someone who’s been in a long-term-relationship. I’m the treasurer of the elite Gays Who Know How To Spell Monogamy club.” With other people, however, mentioning the ex is the fastest way you can kill someone’s boner. “Oh, you like anchovies on your pizza? Gross! My ex did too. Not like I’m comparing you two. It’s just something interesting to think about…” Yes, have fun thinking about it when you’re alone in bed later because I ain’t trying to go home with someone who’s still associating anchovies with their ex.

4. Get too drunk. Like, way too drunk.

I’m no stranger to the wasted first date. You wake up the next morning (sometimes with them in your bed) thinking, “Wait, do I actually like this person? Or did my glass of wine just hit it off with them?” I’ve gone home drunk from a first date being like, “Well, that’s it! I found the one, you guys!” And then on our sober second date, I discover that The One is actually a humorless weirdo best enjoyed with six glasses of wine. Unlike the other things I’ve mentioned, getting too drunk will actually make hooking up with someone easier. However, you shouldn’t really do it if you even get the slightest bit of weirdo vibes from them. I used to have a rule: Every time my date does something strange, just take two big sips of whatever I’m drinking. But I’ve realized that rule has only hurt me rather than helped me so I’m throwing it out!

5. Talk about religion and/or politics

I’m sure we have similar political and religious beliefs but on the off chance that we don’t, let’s just save the Occupy: Wall Street discussion for our sixth month of marriage, okay? TC mark

image – Blake Johnson

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

Trace the scars life has left you. It will remind you that at one point, you fought for something. You believed.

“You are the only person who gets to decide if you are happy or not—do not put your happiness into the hands of other people. Do not make it contingent on their acceptance of you or their feelings for you. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if someone dislikes you or if someone doesn’t want to be with you. All that matters is that you are happy with the person you are becoming. All that matters is that you like yourself, that you are proud of what you are putting out into the world. You are in charge of your joy, of your worth. You get to be your own validation. Please don’t ever forget that.” — Bianca Sparacino

Excerpted from The Strength In Our Scars by Bianca Sparacino.

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  • hrfe

    The entire stomach paragraph just destroyed me. Why can’t Ryan write all the words all the time?!

  • http://www.facebook.com/asmond Asmond Chew

    Ryan you have seen your fair share of the game hahaha sound so pro!

    • Brandon h

      I know, now im intimidated by his sexual prowess. 

      • http://www.facebook.com/asmond Asmond Chew

        hahaha i think i’m in love with him HAHA

    • Anonymous

      I smelled singlish and I was right

  • annA

    YAA Ryan is the best. Too many other writers on here reek of hipster post-grad despondency. Go Ryan! 

  • qqqqq

    isn’t a first date a little too early for sex

    • eleanor

      hahaha you’re quite the kidder

    • Brandon h

      Only if your 16 and talking about sex in the abstract with your 70 year old grandmother.

  • http://twitter.com/CsG7777 Carolyn

    this is so good and perfect made made me LOL but it’s all so true!

  • Rwalfa

    I don’t get why “religion/politics” are so taboo in American culture. I mean, I follow the rules just like any body else, most of time, and it basically relegates the conversation to “what do you do for work… oh… cool… tell me about that.” 

  • eleanor

    The last guy I tried to hook up with should have read this. My night ended, frustratingly, with him crying because he didn’t want to have sex because it wasn’t what Jesus wanted, then throwing up in my bathroom. Fucking tourists. 

  • Luxe

    Gah I was loving this until the domestic violence joke. I know you don’t mean to make light of abuse or whatever but you just did and it made me feel like a kid who wakes up on Christmas morning only to find their puppy’s severed head in a box at the end of their bed. Please don’t </3

    • Brandon h

      Yeah, I think an abortion joke would have been funnier. 

    • Guest

      Gah I was loving this comment until the animal violence joke. I know you don’t mean to make light of animal abuse or whatever but you just did and it made me feel like a kid who wakes up on Christmas morning only to …

  • http://www.facebook.com/grc15r Gregory Costa

    Hand her the twenty in front of the cops.

  • http://twitter.com/aluminiyum Soraya

    i have to plan my meals and bathroom times if i feel like i’m gonna hook up with anyone.

  • http://twitter.com/oscarraymundo Oscar Raymundo

    Wrong about the smoking weed part. End of story.

    • ryan chang

      agreed, though i won’t take more than two medium-sized ‘hits’ or BRs to avoid un-sexy stoner face

    • http://www.nicholeexplainsitall.com EarthToNichole

      Agreed, totally wrong about the smoking weed part. Weed makes doing sex stuff so. much. better.

  • Anonymous

    Ryan, look. I’ve been hard on you over the past two weeks. I’ll admit that. It’s because you have been writing absolute shit, and I know you’re capable of more than that. “How to be Drunk” stands as my favorite TC article to this day.

    Ryan, the reason I’m writing this comment is to tell you that this is a good article. I want you to write more articles like these, Ryan, and less in which you link that fucking Best Coast song. You know which one I’m talking about. Please, Ryan.

  • http://twitter.com/FLYamSAM Denden

    >implying there’s a “date” before you hook up

  • Anonymous

    Am I the only person who talks about religion and politics when I meet someone new?

    • Anonymous

      yes, you are

    • Guest

      Nope. Politics are really important to me, and religion less so, but I’ll talk about either if the conversation generally goes that way. Even if the person doesn’t agree with me, I’m not going to want to devote large portions of my time to people who are argumentative/intolerant of other views…might as well figure it out early on.

  • http://twitter.com/eltigrillo Daniel Alvarenga

    It really depends on the type of weed bro gurrl

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000463870363 Michael Pepper

    I’ve done all of these before. I knew they were all wrong, but still i did them all at least once.

    • Tanvi3639

      haha me too! done all of that!

  • http://twitter.com/answerthecalls dahlia

    psh, i want to know their religion and politics upfront because those things are dealbreakers for me.

  • Anonymous

    phlpn.es/829r8s

  • tidalkraken

    hilarious

  • Alice

    I would really rather know the political and religious beliefs up front. Any guy I date should share my core values, or at least be able to respectfully disagree with them. If bringing up topics like that  makes him blow up on me, he is obviously not the right guy.

  • mom

    based on a lot of your posts, I think you just do not know how to smoke weed. 

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