1. Eat heavy foods
Full disclosure: My tummy is a temperamental diva. I’m not one of those people that can douse things in hot sauce, drown myself in curry and then be like, “Wanna roll around in the hay?” to someone. It doesn’t work like that. I need to lay down and have a heart-to-heart with my stomach to see where it’s at emotionally, physically, and spiritually after ingesting a big meal. I mean, it’s still recovering from Thanksgiving— a day in which Chris Brown was the turkey, mashed potatoes and pumpkin pie and my delicate feather of a stomach was poor Rihanna. In short, the food pummeled me. So if I ever plan on getting jiggy with it later, I have to remember to not get jiggly with it before. I have to eat inoffensive foods like salads, soups, or like a cucumber sandwich. Eating anything more intense than that means I run the risk of my stomach not being DTF later. The curry will have come between us.
2. Smoke weed
In college it wasn’t uncommon to cap off a great date by going back to someone’s house to smoke weed afterwards. Back then, having someone be like, “Hey. You wanna come back to my house and get stoned and maybe a watch movie?” was the highest honor you could receive. It was basically like saying, “Gosh, I really like you and I think there’s a good chance we could date. Since I’m too weird of a person to be honest with my feelings, I’m going to just smoke you out for free so you know that my crush is for real.” At first, getting stoned with your crush would feel like a fun bonding experience but it could quickly take a #dark turn if you ever found yourself getting too stoned. Then, instead of hooking up in a blissed out stoner fantasy, you just become ultra-paranoid and think of ways you can leave their apartment without it coming off as a rejection. In the future, you should always just save smoking weed for the second date. Your stoned face isn’t ready to make a debut so early.
3. Talk about your ex
Don’t talk about your ex on the first. I mean, duh, but NOT DUH, because apparently everyone does it. With gay men, I think it’s actually more of a bragging thing like, “Just so you know, I’m someone who’s been in a long-term-relationship. I’m the treasurer of the elite Gays Who Know How To Spell Monogamy club.” With other people, however, mentioning the ex is the fastest way you can kill someone’s boner. “Oh, you like anchovies on your pizza? Gross! My ex did too. Not like I’m comparing you two. It’s just something interesting to think about…” Yes, have fun thinking about it when you’re alone in bed later because I ain’t trying to go home with someone who’s still associating anchovies with their ex.
4. Get too drunk. Like, way too drunk.
I’m no stranger to the wasted first date. You wake up the next morning (sometimes with them in your bed) thinking, “Wait, do I actually like this person? Or did my glass of wine just hit it off with them?” I’ve gone home drunk from a first date being like, “Well, that’s it! I found the one, you guys!” And then on our sober second date, I discover that The One is actually a humorless weirdo best enjoyed with six glasses of wine. Unlike the other things I’ve mentioned, getting too drunk will actually make hooking up with someone easier. However, you shouldn’t really do it if you even get the slightest bit of weirdo vibes from them. I used to have a rule: Every time my date does something strange, just take two big sips of whatever I’m drinking. But I’ve realized that rule has only hurt me rather than helped me so I’m throwing it out!
5. Talk about religion and/or politics
I’m sure we have similar political and religious beliefs but on the off chance that we don’t, let’s just save the Occupy: Wall Street discussion for our sixth month of marriage, okay?