5 Inventions Twentysomethings Can’t Live Without

1. Texting

You know what would be like a funny joke? If AT&T and all the other phone companies abolished texting for 24 hours and declared it: “Stop Being A Freak And Just Call Someone On The Phone” Day. Parents would be elated about this holiday but twentysomethings would actually lose their minds. Whenever they would need to talk to someone, they would just look at their phone quizzically before bursting into violent sobs. In fact I think they would just become defiant and stay home all day instead of trying to actually be social. Calling someone is just too much pressure these days! It’s as intimate of an act as having unprotected sex or something. When did this happen though? When did calling someone become a “NEVER” kind of situation? When texting was invented, it apparently took us like two hours to become socially awkward psychos, which is sort of depressing if you think about it.

2. Celiac Disease

Celiac disease, otherwise known as the notorious gluten allergy, was first invented at a trendy restaurant in Beverly Hills a few years ago by a starving woman named Ocean. When feeling pressured to order a fattening dish that was full of wheat, Ocean had to come up with a quick excuse not to get it. She knew that calling herself a raw vegan just wasn’t going to cut it anymore so she made up The Gluten Allergy instead. “Oh, I could die if I get the pasta. You don’t want me to die, do you? I’m allergic to… gluten. You haven’t heard? Gluten has been killing 2.5 people a day. We must watch out for ourselves. The clinical term for it is, um celsius… I mean, celiac disease!” Little did Ocean know that the one white lie she told to conceal her eating disorder turned into a phenomenon for the twentysomething health nuts living in Silverlake and Bushwick. It’s hard now to remember a time when the mention of gluten wasn’t met with terrified screams. Oh, Ocean. You jerk.

3. The little map things on your phone

The only time I get sincerely envious of people with fancy phones is when they can look up the address to something on the fly. You know what I have to do? Call 411, get the number, call the business and ask for their address. It’s all very humiliating in a 2006 kind of way.

4. Your DVR

I don’t know about you but my DVR and I are in a legitimate relationship. On my Facebook, it says “In A Relationship with A Depressing Technological Gadget. (Jealous?)” I come home everyday expecting it to greet me with reality TV treasures and the occasional devastating drug documentary and it always comes through for me. I’ve gotten so attached to it that the other day, I was watching something that wasn’t on DVR for once and I kept on trying to fast forward through the commercials. It took me like five tries before I was like, “Oh, I’m actually watching something in real-time. That’s… shocking.”

5. Pills

Pills are a twentysomething’s best friend, and I’m not just referring to the scary, addictive kind. I’m talking about the multivitamins, the fish oil pills, Benadryl and anti-depressants. Pills for everything! Instead of telling people, “There’s an app for that…”, we should really be going around saying, “Oh, there’s a pill for that.” People might think you’re a creepy drug dealer for saying that but there will be a handful of people who will also just GET what you’re talking about. TC mark

image – Joi

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

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  • Guest

    I swear to god you’ve written this article 5 times before…

    • http://www.facebook.com/grc15r Gregory Costa

      or…maybe you’ve been visited by The Ghost of Christmas Past 4 times too many.  Think about it. 

  • http://www.facebook.com/grc15r Gregory Costa

    I don’t have any of these…unless aspirin and a TomTom count. 

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

      bro… garmin all the way

      • http://www.facebook.com/grc15r Gregory Costa

        As long as I can get to my destination, I don’t care if my GPS unit consists of a small person reading off a map in my glove compartment. 

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

        that’s so elitist of you. of course you’d hire a ‘small person’ and shove ’em in the glove compartment. 

  • anon

    I’m a little offended about the Celiac disease part. I know someone who actually has it and its awful on their health. It does exist and it’s not a joke.

    • LazyReader

      Except (as a 40 year old here) I’ve met many people who give this tiny little screwed up face with a smile and say “oh no, I can’t….you see, I’ve got gluten allergies” before reaching for a cookie.  So Ryan is right on this count.  It’s a trendy thing to “have” right now.  I too know an actual celiac sufferer–she was medically diagnosed as a little kid–and it’s awful for her.  But a crap load of twenty-somethings are making this shit up.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=707272007 Alex Thayer

    i don’t use any of this stuff (other than texting, which i still wouldn’t mind losing, as i am becoming a call person), ryan.

    • Heidi Fleiss

      You probably shouldn’t publicize your new career…it’s illegal in most states. 

  • guest

    The celiac disease thing is super offensive to people who actually HAVE celiac disease, BTW.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100003160021310 Ana María Pino

      Offensive, but definitely shows how uneducated the author is.

  • Feedbag

    Or you could replace one of the options with ‘Top Five Lists: For When You Can’t Be Arsed to Write a Real Article’.

    • http://www.facebook.com/grc15r Gregory Costa

      Oooh.  You’re such a little bitch!

  • Camille_huey

    I’m 27 and I use one of these, texting. But I can live without it and I know how to make a phone call……. This article was stupid and written by a very ignorant person.

    • guest

      he’s joking around! why would you write something like this? 

  • Internetstrangeronemillion

    Dear Ryan,

    Please write a new article instead of always writing the same article.

    All best,
    everything

  • http://twitter.com/answerthecalls dahlia

    I can live without all of these. So.

  • Guest

    A gluten allergy/intolerance and celiac disease are in no way the same thing.

    • a.

      You realize that a lot of the tests for celiac’s are inconclusive, right? gluten intolerances/sensitivities can range from barely symptomatic to people who can barely function after ingesting the protein.

  • Scottb58

    Add one more: 

    6. Blogging and/or commenting on Blogs.
    Instead of doing something useful or productive, find a place somewhere on the Internet where you can write whatever you want.  Then, wait for other people to write what they think about what you have written about what you think about.  Wait … that seems kind of circular, doesn’t it?

    (Now I’ll wait for somebody to comment on my comment and include me in the problem above.)

  • Lauren

    Celiac disease in its most basic form is when the body reacts to Gluten and erodes the cilia in the small intestine making it near impossible for the sufferer to obtain the required nutrients to survive. It essentially is slowly starving that person and any contact with gluten is incredibly painful. It is extremely offensive to call this trendy. My grandfather wasn’t diagnosed until he was 65 and due to that nearly died from malnutrition, all because people have decided its trendy and not an actual disease

    • Doogie Howser, M.D.

      I’m sure no one would accuse your 65 year old grandpa of being “trendy.” And, in case you didn’t notice, advances in medicine take time and are influenced by one trend only: death. 

  • Henry

    Why don’t you just put Cancer as #6, you fucking idiot.

    • julesaaron

      wow, did you seriously just equate celiac disease with cancer, you fucking idiot?

      • Guest

        well, seeing as how celiac disease is actually is DISEASE and slowly releases a toxin into your bloodstream as your body attempts to break down gluten, deteriorating your intestinal lining over a long period of time and potentially killing you, then YEAH i’m pretty sure equating celiac disease to cancer is not that far off. there are several people who can die from cancer the same way there are several people who can slowly die from celiac disease the same way there are several people who live in pain from cancer the same way several people live in constant pain from celiac disease. it’s not something anyone asks for, and like cancer, it’s usually a genetic mutation that causes it. fucking idiot.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

    ADDERALL. 

    • Anonymous

      yes. oh god yes.

  • yello

    wow could you be anymore insensitive or a dick about celiac disease? 

  • guest

    Please remove the Celiac Disease part. As a twenty-something that endured several years of sickness prior to being diagnosed four years ago, this was incredibly offensive. Sure in your eyes it might be seen as “trendy”, but I can’t tell you how thankful I am to have so many more options that are “gluten free”.
    However, what I’ve noticed is that non-Celiacs seem to think that they’re going to lose weight if they go gluten free and I’ve known people wanting to try out the “diet”. Yet, they’d actually gain weight because a lot of gluten free food contains higher amounts of sugar and fat.

  • Guest

    To get a business’s address, you can text the business name to the number “466453” or “GOOGLE.” You get a text back that will include the name, phone number, and address of the business.

  • http://www.nicholeexplainsitall.com EarthToNichole

    This is the second blog post I’ve read this week claiming that Celiac/gluten intolerance is fake. I am tempted to send both authors a video of me puking my brains out after ingesting too much gluten.

    • julesaaron

      he’s not talking about people who actually have a gluten intolerance.  he’s talking about the fakers who use gluten intolerance to mask eating disorders/diets/etc.  i’d think since you actually have that allergy, you’d hate those people a lot.  having diseases no one takes seriously sucks, but it’d suck a lot less if people didn’t fake having them, because then people would take them seriously and the suckage would disappear.

      • http://www.nicholeexplainsitall.com EarthToNichole

        I get where you’re coming from, but the “invented at a trendy restaurant part in Beverly Hills” part got to me. I agree with you that people DO fake this allergy, which is why I’m always quick to point out I’m gluten intolerant, not full on Celiac. I think the disease is considered “trendy” now because doctors are just now starting to understand and diagnose it, and some people (falsely) believe that a gluten free diet will help them lose weight. If I understand correctly a gluten free diet is mainly beneficial to Celiacs/Gluten Intolerant people who are bloated due to gluten. Everyone else should just enjoy their bread and beer!

  • http://www.facebook.com/jade.orlich Jade Mitchell

    Try texting Google (466453) when you need an address. Just type the business name and city, state. You can also text Google for directions and weather. 

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=501809676 Francesca Filardo

    haters gon’ hate.

    • Jen

      Potatoes Gonna potate

  • Bealtaine

    I have a gluten intolerance. I try and avoid that kind of stuff because a)often can be quite fattening foods b)I get nightmares out of  a Hieronymus Bosch painting and bloat something chronic. I mean yeah people exaggerate but it is real. Saying it isn’t is like saying the common cold is just mass hysteria 

    • a.

      Or as I call them “gluten hangovers”- the 2-3 day headache I get and fatigue that wipes me out for the rest of the day. So fun!

  • Jay_Z

    IT’S CALLED HUMOR, FUCK.

  • http://www.twitter.com/slhodkin Shayna

    xanax

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000033167722 Lisa Shender

    At 55 I’m hardly a twenty something. The day I stopped eating gluten I realized that not everyone gets nauseated after they eat. After living with this all my life, don’t tell me it’s made up. That’s bullying. Would you tell a child with a peanut allergy it’s all in their head before or after they need the adrenaline shot so they don’t stop breathing?

    • becci

      I doubt he meant it to be taken that seriously. What he said about people claiming they have the disease is actually extremely true, not that the disease itself is made up.

  • VhFarr

    Re: Celiac Disease

     Thanks! I needed one more person/entity in my life to make fun of/dismiss a genetic disorder I can in no way control, cure or change. Can’t wait for the wheelchair jokes.

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