You know what would be like a funny joke? If AT&T and all the other phone companies abolished texting for 24 hours and declared it: “Stop Being A Freak And Just Call Someone On The Phone” Day. Parents would be elated about this holiday but twentysomethings would actually lose their minds. Whenever they would need to talk to someone, they would just look at their phone quizzically before bursting into violent sobs. In fact I think they would just become defiant and stay home all day instead of trying to actually be social. Calling someone is just too much pressure these days! It’s as intimate of an act as having unprotected sex or something. When did this happen though? When did calling someone become a “NEVER” kind of situation? When texting was invented, it apparently took us like two hours to become socially awkward psychos, which is sort of depressing if you think about it.
2. Celiac Disease
Celiac disease, otherwise known as the notorious gluten allergy, was first invented at a trendy restaurant in Beverly Hills a few years ago by a starving woman named Ocean. When feeling pressured to order a fattening dish that was full of wheat, Ocean had to come up with a quick excuse not to get it. She knew that calling herself a raw vegan just wasn’t going to cut it anymore so she made up The Gluten Allergy instead. “Oh, I could die if I get the pasta. You don’t want me to die, do you? I’m allergic to… gluten. You haven’t heard? Gluten has been killing 2.5 people a day. We must watch out for ourselves. The clinical term for it is, um celsius… I mean, celiac disease!” Little did Ocean know that the one white lie she told to conceal her eating disorder turned into a phenomenon for the twentysomething health nuts living in Silverlake and Bushwick. It’s hard now to remember a time when the mention of gluten wasn’t met with terrified screams. Oh, Ocean. You jerk.
3. The little map things on your phone
The only time I get sincerely envious of people with fancy phones is when they can look up the address to something on the fly. You know what I have to do? Call 411, get the number, call the business and ask for their address. It’s all very humiliating in a 2006 kind of way.
4. Your DVR
I don’t know about you but my DVR and I are in a legitimate relationship. On my Facebook, it says “In A Relationship with A Depressing Technological Gadget. (Jealous?)” I come home everyday expecting it to greet me with reality TV treasures and the occasional devastating drug documentary and it always comes through for me. I’ve gotten so attached to it that the other day, I was watching something that wasn’t on DVR for once and I kept on trying to fast forward through the commercials. It took me like five tries before I was like, “Oh, I’m actually watching something in real-time. That’s… shocking.”
Pills are a twentysomething’s best friend, and I’m not just referring to the scary, addictive kind. I’m talking about the multivitamins, the fish oil pills, Benadryl and anti-depressants. Pills for everything! Instead of telling people, “There’s an app for that…”, we should really be going around saying, “Oh, there’s a pill for that.” People might think you’re a creepy drug dealer for saying that but there will be a handful of people who will also just GET what you’re talking about.