You’re Going To Break My Heart

You’re going to break my heart. Smash Cut: Me being rushed into emergency surgery to repair it. Smash Cut: Me on the floor of my bedroom listening to The Stone Roses or maybe “Across The Universe” on repeat. Smash Cut: Me wanting to kill you, preferably during sex.

That’s okay though. A full heart is overrated anyway. On some level, I don’t mind having a broken because it reminds me that I’m alive and that stuff is happening in my life. The worst is an unattended heart. It’s not full, it’s not empty; it’s just there. That kind of make you feel like you’re dead inside and everything is just stagnant. The worst.

The moment I realized you were going to break my heart was when we were lying in bed together that one Sunday afternoon. The windows were open in my room and I could feel it tickling my toes like someone was blowing on them for fun. This was in the house I lived in for nine months on Curson, the house where everything started and fell apart for us. It smelled liked lavender incense that day and I remember holding you tight in bed, almost like I was a Boa Constrictor who was going to crush your bones. I started to sense some resistance on your end though. Your body just hung there like a limp rag doll and that’s when I realized that you were rejecting me. I was being rejected on a day where everything was supposed to feel close and that’s when I understood that this relationship was living on borrowed time. That’s when I knew you were not going to break my heart but that you were actually breaking my heart.

It’s amazing what you’ll turn a blind eye to. It’s amazing how many Sundays you can endure with a limp rag doll. The more you can get rejected, the more you want to prove yourself. You pull all the tricks you got out of your little hat. “Will this make you love me? Will this make you love me? What about THIS?”

In retrospect, I guess I always knew I was going to love you more. It’s something you feel from the very beginning, something you implicitly understand but try to ignore. You know the dynamics of a relationship from the beginning. I signed the contract saying, “I promise to love you more and feel slighted by your coldness. Signed, sealed, delivered. Baby, I’m yours.”

So here we are. Who woulda guessed it? Oh yeah, me. I ignored the signs, didn’t take heed the warnings because I thought I could fight it. Or maybe it was because I was more comfortable with the one being loved less. Whatever the reason, the end result is always the same. I’m old enough to know better by now but too young to change it. TC mark

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Image via CarbonNYC

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

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  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=707272007 Alex Thayer

    why so serious

  • Sam Monserrate

    Damn that gave a fresh sting

  • http://profiles.google.com/thisisaliecalledlife Byron Burns

    I thought it. You wrote it. As always. 

  • http://twitter.com/Zeyadsalem Zeyad Salem

    Loved the last two paragraphs :)

  • Tori Houston

    Perfection >> “It’s amazing how many Sundays you can endure with a limp rag doll. The more you can get rejected, the more you want to prove yourself.” 

  • Anonymous

    “You know the dynamics of a relationship from the beginning.”

    this. is. truth.

  • Mashka

    “The worst is an unattended heart.”— truth. 

  • Mashka

    I always go after a challenge. It’s kinda pathetic. Why is it that I try so hard with my heart and feelings and mind for someone who isn’t making the effort, and yet I run away from the ones that are being perfect and making the effort and treating me the way I should be? fucked. up. 

    • jessica

      we might be brain twins.

    • Guest

      because you hate yourself, clearly. get some self esteem and then find someone good.

      • Goldmund

        Yeah, this seems harsh but is absolutely true. As corny as it sounds, but you have to love yourself before you can love anyone else…

  • Sam Monserrate

    I just discovered Thought Catalog yesterday. My favorite article so far was “upon Realizing you Don’t love your Ex” and after that, I bookmarked this damn page. 

    • Anonymous

      you should read “Don’t date a girl who reads”. It’s the article that introduced me to the site. Not my favorite anymore since it’s slightly immature but still brilliant all the same

      • Sam Monserrate

        Ohh yes I loved that article too! Saw that on tumblr, didn’t really know it was originally from this site. awesome. 

  • Anonymous

    I feel this.

  • http://twitter.com/alyssagoesbang alyssa n. ammirato

    oh so perfectly captured

  • S.

    You’re inside my head, it’s creepy, but so unbelievably contorting knowing I’m not alone in this

  • Mashka

    Oh neat how timely here’s a prime example: Guy that I poured my heart out to with feelings for him, after him telling me he has feelings for me and we hook up, etc… he’s now dating someone else thus knows I clearly still have feelings and yet has the audacity to say “sorry it’s date night” to me in response to me asking if he’s gonna come by tonight to hang out. FUCK. YOU. 

  • douchegirl

    I liked it. I feel like I could have written this myself. 

  • Guest

    Yeah.
    You aren’t even able to voice these feelings in a relationship –  you are completely alone in knowing it and it hurts so, so, so bad.

    • Sophia

      THIS.
      What can you say? “Hey, so I’ve noticed lately you’ve been falling out of love with me. Can we do something about that?”

      It’s so sad.

      • Guest

        just make it easy on everyone and end it

  • http://twitter.com/kaimcn Kai

    I love love love the pain and torture and exhilaration of love, but the sting of a broken (or smashed) heart is starting to lose its appeal.

  • Sophia

    and the question i’m left with is, what can we do to avoid this? what can we do to make sure he won’t wake up tomorrow morning and feel differently? is there anything? what keeps relationships together? is it just a crapshoot?

    i hate this i hate this i hate this lack of control.

    • Guest

      then don’t date

      • Anonymous

        oh thank you for your useful input you big IDIOT how about we just never go out with people or never have sex or never enjoy life F U U SUK

  • http://twitter.com/omglolhahaha Alison Hess

    Being the one who loves less is no picnic either.  At least in the underloved scenario you have the righteousness of feeling.

    • http://twitter.com/mung_beans Mung Beans

      Yeah, it’s hard to get your heart broken but it’s really hard to do the breaking.

  • Heather Inc

    This is why you’re my favorite.

  • B Diaz

    THIS ARTICLE SPEAKS TO ME ON SO MANY LEVELS. PREACH! PREAAAACH!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=2311203 Kevin Pritchard

    Ryan needs to smoke more pot, or something. 

  • ASURAD123

    You are amazing.

  • http://twitter.com/Buffalogal Nicole Shoe

    thank you for this. going through some shit and nice to know im not alone.

  • Anonymous

    ” I’m old enough to know better by now but too young to change it.” Perfect line. Is it that terrible to love somebody more than they love you. I wonder how they feel about loving less…

  • Anonymous

    haha the image for this article is a broken heart with the words email me. Perfect.

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