Twilight Freaks Me Out

It freaks me out that people are so obsessed with Twilight. I haven’t read the books because I’m a person who respects himself but I’ve seen all the movies and they’re downright bizarre! Every time I watch a new installment I walk out of the theatre feeling completely bewildered. This is what America is latching on to? A story about sexual purity, Mormonism and demon babies?! What is wrong with our culture?!

The movies are actually awful. Not even in a “This is so terrible, it’s fun!” way, they’re just creepy and bad. I don’t mean to be offensive but Kirsten Stewart portrays Bella as if she’s…slow. There’s zero spark or charisma. It makes you think, “THIS is the girl wolves and vampires are warring over? She must have something that we don’t quite see.” And even though it’s a big blockbuster film, the effects look hilariously low-budget. Did Robert Pattinson’s sparkles eat up the whole budget?

I haven’t seen Breaking Dawn, the latest movie which came out last Friday, but it looks insane. Apparently Bella and Edward get married and resist consummating their relationship because it might kill her. (LOL, Edward. You wish. Do vampires have donkey dicks or something?) Anyway, I guess they ignore the warnings and have sex on their honeymoon, which takes place in…Rio? Because vampires sure do love sun-drenched tropical locales! So Bella and Edward bone and then Bella ends up being pregnant with a vampire baby who is crushing her on the inside. She eventually gives birth and dies for a second. Meanwhile, Jacob—the gay porn star—takes a look at the infant and falls in love with it. So let’s add pedophilia to this blender of messed up themes!

Look guys, you should all be ashamed of yourselves for liking this drivel. I mean, doesn’t reading about the plot make you seriously “LOL”? When Twilight became a bestseller, I bet Stephenie Meyer was like, “Uh, are you sure? You did read it, right? Okayyyyyyyyy. Can I cash the check now?” To me, the monster success of Twilight makes no sense and the fact that it’s become a worldwide sensation makes me question our societal values. I mean, doesn’t anyone else find it strange that we’re losing our mind over Mormon morals, sparkly vampires, and grown men/wolves falling in love with newborn babies? Someone please explain this phenomenon to me. TC mark

image – Twilight

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.


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  • Paul S

    This, below, is just about the best critique of the whole Twilight thing I’ve ever read, and it’s by The HULK!

    • Carlos Ortiz

      sweet article.

    • Anonymous

      thanks for giving the link, brilliant article

  • Daniel Soto M

    I do think they are of the “Terrible but fun” kind. It is scary that there are people that take them seriously but if you are able (as you are) to see the underlying messages of the books and the movies (chastity until marriage, machismo, women subjugated to men, “pro-life” and condemn of abortion) and just laugh at how the author tries to convey them… well, you’ll be able to “enjoy” them. In the last movie I laughed my heart out at how cheessy and ridiculous the whole movie is. 
    BTW… the books are even worst; full of lines of how Bella forgets to breathe and how her heart forgets to beat everytime she sees Edward. Being a feminist and liberal arts undergraduate, you should read them at least as a sociological experiment.

  • Diana

    i know multiple people who have broken up with their boyfriends because they weren’t like ‘edward’. fail.

    • Ryan O'Connell

      You need to know different people.

      • Diana

        lets be friends?

  • Anna

    hmmm I agree Ryan. I think it’s not so much the movie that captivates people but the actors themeselves. 

  • bestpartofme

    i’m in class right now, and this had me laughing out loud.
    you’re gold.

    • hemuvs

      stay golden, THERE’S a movie

  • everythingwillbefine

    This is quite the offensive Op Ed. I hate Twilight as much as anyone. It’s a terribly written book with a message that says that psychologically abusive relationships are good but this article is ridiculously out of hand.

    • Bro Montana

      I find your accusation that the book’s message is “psychologically abusive relationships are good” is ridiculously out of hand. This brief article brings up some good points, however exaggerated they may be.

      • hunter ray

        it’s actually true though about the abusive relationships

  • Ms C

    “Kirsten Stewart portrays Bella as if she’s…slow” Couldn’t agree more!

    • guest

      Um, to correct the author, it’s Kristen, not Kirsten…  Who’s slow now, bitches!!!!!  (Totally kidding btw)

  • Anonymous

    I don’t like or dislike Twilight, but I have to say…this topic is about as overdone as the hype for the series.

    Can’t it just be a book? That people read? Do we have to analyze it or pick it apart or make fun of people who like reading it? Lets be grateful that people are reading anything.

    The fact that people go out of their way to make the readers of Twilight feel like shit is what makes me question out societal values. Don’t we have better things to do than to bitch about what people are reading?

    If you don’t like it…don’t read it.

    • Brandym20

      “Lets be grateful that people are reading anything.” <— Amen.

      • Anonymous

        @alexiscarole:disqus I’m sorry, I don’t understand how twilight can even be defined as “anything”, let alone a book.

    • hunter ray

      YEAH LET’S BE GRATEFUL THAT PEOPLE ARE JUST READING. It’s not the reading that’s important it’s what is gained from the reading. You, my friend, are severely missing the point. Are you a 5th grade teacher?

      • Anonymous

        Wow, stereotype much? Thank you, but no, I’m not a fifth grade teacher. Although I’m not so sure what the problem with that would be. I would love to hear about a fifth grade teacher who taught students to read purely for the love of reading.

        You, my friend, have severely missed the point of what I said. The point was that I don’t understand why people have to bitch constantly (and I do mean constantly) about Twilight. Its a book. People read it. Big deal. No book is perfect.

        I guess if you’re the one person in the world who’s never, ever read a book for pleasure, just for the hell of it, and you only read books in order to determine what can be “gained from them” (besides just the fun of reading, of course) then you are more perfect than the rest of us, and feel free to disregard my comment, along with half the books out there.

      • hunter ray

        Ok disregarding based on my perfection~

        But seriously, Twilight pushes a lot of shitty cultural shit. Female subservience, controlling boyfriends, pro-life to the point of Bella martyring herself for her baby, a focus on romance as the defining characteristic of a young woman’s life………

        With the popularity this book has, it has impacted a lot of young women and the way they perceive the world and the way that they will be treated. You can’t say “it’s just a book”, most of our most inspiring and fundamental ideas come from books. Reading for the fun of it is fine for capable adults that can separate a fictional story from real life, younger readers often internalize these things into parts of their world view. In this aspect, Twilight is actually destructive to a generation of potential feminists.

      • Anonymous

        I don’t think that we should lower our standards for a younger generation of readers. Obviously there are things that are age appropriate to be reading because of content (language, explicit sex, etc) but I firmly believe that teenagers are just as capable of separating reality from fiction. I don’t think any girl who is Twilight obsessed really believes that Edward is real. She simply WANTS to. That’s why they call the genre “fantasy”.

        I agree that you can’t say “its just a book” about everything, certainly not–but somethings ARE just books. Nicholas Sparks, anyone? Sometimes reading is just for fun. Sometimes its enough to get a kid interested enough in a book–any book–that they want to read more. And THAT can lead to reading of more substantial works.

        Lastly, if we’re going to knock Twilight because it has elements that could be destructive to a certain generation, then we should get rid of Lolita. I mean, we wouldn’t want a generation of girls falling in love with their stepfathers.

        That’s just one little example out of thousands–all books contain some element of controversy, some element or theme that we wouldn’t want our kids or friends or our society emulating. But we can’t start throwing books away because they might not be understood by everyone.

      • hunter ray

        I’m definitely not saying “throw away/burn the books!”. I guess we have different perspectives on what we think people are capable of discerning from a book. I wasn’t trying to imply that all teens are idiots that can’t separate fact from fiction. Most people seem pretty sheepy to me, and adolescents are even more prone to be sheep. It’s not about thinking that Edward is real it’s the wishing that he was that’s fucked up. I think you’re missing my point. I’m saying the biases and perspectives are internalized, not that these girls believe that vampires actually exist. Edward is an insane manipulative jerk of  a boyfriend. He literally fucks up Bella’s car when he doesn’t want her going anywhere. Girls wishing that a guy like that was real and their boyfriend is fucking frightening to me.

        Also Stephanie Meyer wrote this book because she totally believes in all of the gender oppression and pro-life propaganda that it espouses. You’re totally reaching with Lolita, it’s not a story which the public at large endorses as it does with Twilight. Although Twilight is ‘fantasy’ the dynamics in the story are not called out, they are in fact supported by the mainstream.

        It’s more about institutions and the way that Twilight highlights our massively chauvinistic and paternalistic society and even supports it. I’m guessing maybe you don’t see these influences??

      • Ellen

        Uhm, I’d like to argue about the “pro-life” aspect. I don’t know if you get this, but Bella and Rosalie were the only people for keeping the baby? The rest of the cast wanted to kill it, since it was jeopardizing her life. They realized that it was just a fetus, and the important life in the situation was Bella. But Bella made a really great comment (not sure if this was in the book since I read them in high school, but it was in the movie) saying it wasn’t anyone’s choice but her’s to say what to do with the baby. I think too many people see the abortion debate as either never killing the fetus no matter what, or definitely killing the fetus if it’s a health risk, it’s a result of rape, or if it’s not a convenient time. What if the woman wants to try and have the baby anyways? What’s wrong with her choosing that? It’s her own body to do what she wants with. As long as it’s her choice, it’s still pro-choice over pro-life.

      • Ellen

        Sorry for any grammatical mistakes I’m writing this from my sickbed.

      • hunter ray

        Oh god if we were worried about grammar and stuff I would be kicked off of the internet. Hope  you feel better soon Ellen :D

      • hunter ray

        I understand what you’re saying and completely understand that perspective. 

        From my reading of it though (three years ago, stuck at home with my parents one summer)….. it doesn’t matter what the other characters said/thought. Bella is the narrator and Meyer usually portrays her thoughts and actions as ‘correct’ unless otherwise explicitly shown (motorcycle, cliff diving, but actually idk if she really even hammered in what fucking PSYCHO Bella was being). My impression was more of Bella as a spokesperson for Pro-Life people because she is willing to martyr herself for this unborn fetus. It’s very late, and I’m writing a paper right now, I’m not sure if I can articulate this correctly. I don’t have the books here for example, but I definitely felt like Bella was a mouthpiece for those groups that value the life of a child way more than that of the mother.

        Whatever, you make a good point. Maybe my angry feminists pants won’t let me see that part so clearly.

      • Catt

        But the thing is, even if you do just “read for pleasure”, what you’re reading influences you, and it influences what you will read later. And Twilight is a terrible, terrible influence.

  • Jeffknavy

    I agree with this article. For those that think its too harsh, you all scare me. Literature and societal context are relevant and will always be. Personally I like the movies cause lets be honest, there’s nothing but garbage out on the screen anymore. One bad movie is the same as the rest. At least the pedophilia werewolf is sexy.

    • blabla

      If only it could be called “litterature”. And if you think there’s just garbage on the screen, you probably don’t go to the right theaters. There are alternatives out there. 

    • Anonymous

      Or you know, you can just watch every ryan gosling film since they’re all decent. Enough pedophiliac sexiness there.

  • Vanessa

    then why do you keep going back to see the damn movies?

  • Alasdair

    “Someone please explain this phenomenon to me.”

    Evidently Ryan has never been a teenage girl…

    When I was at school, all the girls were obsessed with Leo DiCaprio in Titanic. Somehow, the fact that it was a shitty movie didn’t bother them! They just wanted to stare at him and imagine themselves in the female role and go ‘squee’. The actors and plots may change, but Twilight’s no different.

    The good news is that those fangirls will grow out of it soon enough. The bad news is that sooner or later, some other teenage heartthrob will come along and it’ll all happen again. It’s better just to accept these kinds of movies aren’t for you and move on.

    • Tanya Salyers

      Titanic is debatable as to its shittiness, but at least it was a fun take on a REAL historical event, and revered as one of the greatest movies of its time.  Not even comparable to Twilight.

  • reesek

    You need to read the books to appreciate the movies. I agree though, the movies are not well made, and without any context they really suck! But, the books were so good, that any rendition of bringing the characters to life, is in a sense magical for many.

    • Guest

      Are you dumb? The books were trash, bro.

    • Anonymous

      Are you trolling? The books were as poorly written as the films. The complaints about what crap movies they are pale in comparison to how completely fucked up/unhealthy/stupid the plot is and how terrible the characters themselves are. 

    • razzemfrazzem

      You need to read the books to appreciate the movies??

      Wait…I get what you mean.  The books are so horrid that in comparison the movies are passable.  Seriously, though, the books may not be horrid, but they’re pretty bad.  And Bella?  Is it even possible to like her?

    • bestpartofme

      fuck appreciating the books, there is NOTHING to appreciate.

  • Tanya Salyers

    YES! THANK YOU! I just do NOT get Twilight. All my friends love it, and I just really really hate it.

  • J P

    y u so mad?

    I don’t see why everyone is all freaked out about the plot lines of this book. It’s a fantasy novel. It’s supposed to be about unrealistic things that are pushing the boundaries. It’s not supposed to be realistic. 
    The books/movies are so popular because they ARE new and creative ideas. Even if you don’t like them, you have to admit that the authors take on vampires/werewolves are different than the traditional versions. People read it because it’s interesting and new. 

    The ideas presented in this book are no less offensive than any other controversial novel out there. Flowers in the Attic, anyone? This series just happens to come with a love story and an attractive lead male. 

    People will always read the books and see the movies with the interesting and new plot lines. If it didn’t push us to the limit then we wouldn’t be interested at all. 

    • hunter ray

      get out of here twihard

    • Tori

      Well yes, people find new and interesting plot lines appealing, but the problem with your argument is that Twilight doesn’t really have a solid plot line. That and the fact that both shapeshifters and vampires have been portrayed in similar fashions, save the sparkles. They may not be mega traditional but they are far from new. The series is, quite simply, a teenage girl’s fantasy with virtually no appeal to anyone who is outside of that demographic (or who does not have the mentality of that demographic).

      It’s popular due to the large number of girls who paint themselves as Bella. Simple as that.

  • Carlos Ortiz

    jesus christ, really? this is what goes on in these movies?
    why are people insane and creepy?

    like for example, why as a middle aged man would you be looking forward to seeing a honeymoon scene with your family? the guy even hints that it may not be graphic enough for him

    at first i just thought it was goofy or whatever that my cousin was into the movies, but um, it seems like an unhealthy product
    the more i hear about the plot the more i’m concerned that this girl that i care for seems to enjoy these themes that seem to be.. regressive/conservative/anti-feminist

  • jo_west.isle

     Yes, the movies are ridiculous, the religious overtones come off way stronger in them, and the acting is dreadful. Read the books – they are popular because every girl who thinks she’s plain and boring and friendless loves the idea that one day some gorgeous guy will think she’s the most incredible thing he’s ever seen. Who doesn’t understand that? 

  • Megan

    Unfortunately, I read the series but in my defense, I was in middle school. As a 13 year old, I had no taste in literature but now that I am older and wiser I look back and realize Meyer’s writing it shitty. I don’t even care what the books are about at this point, let’s just be honest, Meyer writes like a 5th grader. 
    I also find it disheartening that middle- aged women have also jumped on the bandwagon of Twilight hysteria. You would think they would have better taste in literature and film, but apparently not. That is an unforgivable offense. 

  • Anonymous

  • Emma

    Breaking Dawn was properly hilarious. Laugh so hard I crylight..

  • Mashka

    I personally don’t understand the vampire craze at all. Twilight especially. I’ve never read the books and I’ve only seen the first movie and I’d like to leave it at that. But hey what do I know, I’m one of those weirdos that has also never read Harry Potter, so… 

  • red newsom

    word. if i wanted to follow a shitty abusive relationship i’d go back to living in 2010 with my crazy ex. twilight is awful.

  • Anon

    Thank God I’m not alone in disliking Twilight, book or movie. Bella Swan had one expression in the movies.

  • LavishLady

    Against my better judgment, I went to see Breaking Dawn with a girlfriend (who luckily paid for my ticket). I admit, the preview had me ever so SLIGHTLY curious only due to the fact the sex scene included shattering walls with ground-shaking orgasms. Much like the film itself, this scene left a lot to be desired (and watching Bella trying to seduce Edward was just about as awkward as that c-section scene). Seeing this movie for FREE was still not worth it.

    BELLA. UGH. I couldn’t stop thinking about the irony that human-Bella had to give up her soul to become a vampire when she already has ZERO personality. Maybe vampire-Bella will be more spirited? Twihards can only hope.

    Kristen Stewart, welcome to the peak of your career.

  • Sugar_babe4u2

    Omg lol I’m currently working on a blog that has a similar theme to this entry however it covers the books and the movies, complete character analyasis etc. I’m not saying burn the books or chuck them. But take them as they are. Fluffy, mastrubitory aids, for psming 14 year old girls who are simply begging for someone to love them. And not great contributions to the literary world that should be praised repeatedly.Also, comparing the Twilight kiss to the kiss in Titanic? -__- Wrong. In so many ways.
    ~Brieanna Lommerse

  • Sbalfourlynn

    I saw the movie as well and came out glad to be a single, liberated woman who had no chance of being subjected to nearly fatal sex and being impregnated with demon spawn. 

    heres a link to my comments on breaking dawn.

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