Twilight Freaks Me Out

It freaks me out that people are so obsessed with Twilight. I haven’t read the books because I’m a person who respects himself but I’ve seen all the movies and they’re downright bizarre! Every time I watch a new installment I walk out of the theatre feeling completely bewildered. This is what America is latching on to? A story about sexual purity, Mormonism and demon babies?! What is wrong with our culture?!

The movies are actually awful. Not even in a “This is so terrible, it’s fun!” way, they’re just creepy and bad. I don’t mean to be offensive but Kirsten Stewart portrays Bella as if she’s…slow. There’s zero spark or charisma. It makes you think, “THIS is the girl wolves and vampires are warring over? She must have something that we don’t quite see.” And even though it’s a big blockbuster film, the effects look hilariously low-budget. Did Robert Pattinson’s sparkles eat up the whole budget?

I haven’t seen Breaking Dawn, the latest movie which came out last Friday, but it looks insane. Apparently Bella and Edward get married and resist consummating their relationship because it might kill her. (LOL, Edward. You wish. Do vampires have donkey dicks or something?) Anyway, I guess they ignore the warnings and have sex on their honeymoon, which takes place in…Rio? Because vampires sure do love sun-drenched tropical locales! So Bella and Edward bone and then Bella ends up being pregnant with a vampire baby who is crushing her on the inside. She eventually gives birth and dies for a second. Meanwhile, Jacob—the gay porn star—takes a look at the infant and falls in love with it. So let’s add pedophilia to this blender of messed up themes!

Look guys, you should all be ashamed of yourselves for liking this drivel. I mean, doesn’t reading about the plot make you seriously “LOL”? When Twilight became a bestseller, I bet Stephenie Meyer was like, “Uh, are you sure? You did read it, right? Okayyyyyyyyy. Can I cash the check now?” To me, the monster success of Twilight makes no sense and the fact that it’s become a worldwide sensation makes me question our societal values. I mean, doesn’t anyone else find it strange that we’re losing our mind over Mormon morals, sparkly vampires, and grown men/wolves falling in love with newborn babies? Someone please explain this phenomenon to me. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

image – Twilight

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

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