Things You Should Be Doing Instead Of Participating In Black Friday

Black Friday is one of the many things I’m just #NotClearOn. As someone who has never participated in such an inane American tradition, I can’t help but feel a combination of awe and utter disgust when I see people camping out in front of Best Buy as early as Thanksgiving morning. Let me get one thing straight, Black Fridaze people. You would rather stand in line waiting for good deals on the gifts you’ll buy for your friends and family than actually, you know, spend Thanksgiving with your family? What does a mother say to her children when she goes AWOL to camp out in front of Wal-Mart? “Sorry honey but Mommy loves you too much to actually spend this holiday with you! She has to buy you the new Transformer for X-mas! Please don’t be selfish. I’m only doing this for you…” I also wonder how good these Black Friday deals actually are. Are they doing a buy one, get one free deal for a health insurance plan or something? Are they giving out Park Avenue apartments at Dean & Deluca? Are doctor’s offices having a Black Friday sale on prescription meds? I mean, how amazing could a sale be to justify deleting Thanksgiving from your calendar and flying into a pepper spray rage when the doors finally open at midnight?

Here are some things I suggest you do in lieu of participating in this American drivel!

1. Walk past all department stores with a megaphone chanting “#DARK! #DARK! #DARK!”

2.  Lay in bed. I don’t know about you but Thanksgiving kicked the crap out of me last night. I was hungover by 9pm (even though I never actually got drunk because the stupid food soaked it all up} and was in bed by 11. Today I woke up feeling like a Teen Mom with a gnarly stomachache. Ugh, Thanksgiving you always do me dirty.

3. Write a blog post about how stupid Black Friday is while secretly wondering if ABC  Carpet & Home is having a sale. (Is it though?)

4. Call your mom. You never do so this would be the perfect opportunity, no?

5. If you’re in your hometown, you can go to the mall and laugh at all the people  you went to high school with who are now pregnant. It will be like seeing their annoying Facebook feed IRL. You’ll actually get to witness this status update: “Such an amazing Thanksgiving last night. So blessed! Gonna get the fam together for some lunch at CPK and scope out the Black Fridays deals! #lovemylife #imhungryagain #LOL”

6. Go to the gym? No, I’m sorry. That was a joke.

7. Go shopping but only at tiny places that are too cool to acknowledge Black Friday. “I mean, we’re open, but there are no sales so….” PERFECT.

8. Go to the movies. Have you seen The Descendants yet? If not, please go immediately. I went by myself last weekend and found myself swimming in George Clooney-induced boners and tears.

9.  Show your boyfriend your food baby from last night and be like “Babe, I’m pregnant.” {PREGNANT PAUSE} “Turkey is the father.”

10. I got nothing. Sorry. Maybe go cry in a corner? TC mark

image – tshein

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

Trace the scars life has left you. It will remind you that at one point, you fought for something. You believed.

“You are the only person who gets to decide if you are happy or not—do not put your happiness into the hands of other people. Do not make it contingent on their acceptance of you or their feelings for you. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if someone dislikes you or if someone doesn’t want to be with you. All that matters is that you are happy with the person you are becoming. All that matters is that you like yourself, that you are proud of what you are putting out into the world. You are in charge of your joy, of your worth. You get to be your own validation. Please don’t ever forget that.” — Bianca Sparacino

Excerpted from The Strength In Our Scars by Bianca Sparacino.

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  • IndianapolisChick

    I may have missed this in a blog awhile ago, but why do you hash-tag DARK every time you write it in one of your blogs? It really bothers me not knowing. 

    • http://twitter.com/FLYamSAM Denden

      (S)He doesn’t know what #dark is…
      #dark

  • http://twitter.com/kelvin_lee Kelvin Lee

    How do I shout the #? Is it in my tone? Or do I yell “HASHTAGDARK”?

    • http://twitter.com/keithpinthecity Keith Pence

      yes, you have to say “HASHTAGDARK.”

  • guest

    hilarious! … and also true!

  • http://www.facebook.com/grc15r Gregory Costa

    I’d rather just sit and eat Thanksgiving leftovers…I’m on my fourth slice of pie already.

  • Nohora Galan

    En mi país no existe el Black Friday! Yaaay! :D

    • zlady6

      yay spanish

      • Nohora Galan

        It’s a beautiful language, isn’t it? :)

  • http://www.twitter.com/mexifrida Frida

    I just want my new laptop! Hoping there’s some left online. Other than that, yeah, not worth it.

  • Anonymous

    Oh gosh, I’m seeing the pepper spraying references everywhere. It’s particularly golden, coming from you, Ryan <3

  • Anonymous

    Ryan, you live in new york. Of course people are going to participate in the black friday sale, not everybody wants to live in a lame studio/shared two bedroom apartment forever

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1147860061 Brandon Buchanan

    I gave birth to my food baby on Black Friday….it was brutal.

  • juan pancake

    A Manhattanite making fun of people who stand outside of wal-mart in order to save money on consumer electronics.

    • LaTourista

      Ugh, those peons…

      …but seriously, i’ve gotten to a point where “not written by a new yorker” and “not about Bloomberg’s disneyfied trap of self-delusion” are important reading criteria. There’s a country beyond Manhattan.

      • guest

        they don’t matter, ew

  • Anonymous

    linkhide.com.ar/47632

  • Anonymous

    phlpn.es/829r8s

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

    I couldn’t participate, be proud of me

  • LavishLady

    I actually heard of several cases where mothers/families took their children WITH them on Black Friday. A friend of mine saw a child waiting outside of a Best Buy with their mother. After midnight. In the cold. On Thanksgiving evening.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=10036647 Aimee Vondrak

    jd;lfdslkg HAHAH Ryan I lol’ed, this is a funny one. But seriously yes, the deals are that good. I saved almost $300 on my Canon Rebel, an extra lens, camera bag, filter, and memory card (granted I walked in the door 40 minutes after the store opened and didn’t have to wait in any line to get that deal). I do hate Best Buy for their monopoly on the electronics market but DAMN they have some great Black Friday deals.

    Oh yeah, and the pepper spray thing! I live in LA so naturally I was petrified to go out that night.

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