4 Things I Really Like Seeing In A Movie

1. Kirsten Dunst As The Depressed Hipster

Kirsten Dunst has perfected the art of playing the depressed Valley girl cum hipster and I love her for it. In her latest film, Melancholia, she plays a woman who is like super sad. She can’t get out of bed, let alone get married to Alexander Skarsgård, so she spends the whole movie unable to walk, feeling intense things we will never understand, having sex with a random dude on the lawn in front of her wedding reception, and giving dead (but chic) eyes to the camera. I’m being completely serious though when I say that depression has never looked as good as it does in Melancholia. That’s not even me trying to be funny. It’s the honest to God truth. Even though Kiki can barely speak, she looks simply radiant in denim cut offs and a torn vintage tee. She also sometimes sunbathes nude and looks like a glowing angel. Maybe she’s hoping the extra vitamin E exposure will turn her luck around? Whatever. The point is that no one can do depression better and sexier than Kirsten. Maybe it’s because she went through it herself when she went to rehab for depression (otherwise known as “Kirsten Dunst had the worst coke comedown of her life and couldn’t deal”) in 2008 at Cirque Lodge. It might not even be acting for her. THIS JUST MIGHT BE HER REAL LIFE.

2. Judy Greer as The Tragic Best Friend In A Romantic Comedy

I had higher hopes for Judy Greer. Hell, I think Judy Greer had higher hopes for Judy Greer. When she burst on the scene as Fern Mayo in Jawbreaker, the future looked bright for her. Visions of her as a successful comic actress danced in all of our heads. Unfortunately, Judy took a detour in rom-com hell (presumably to pay her rent) and has never found her way back. That’s not to say though that her portrayals as a desperate psycho best friend to the Katherine Heigl’s of the world aren’t entertaining. In fact they’re often the saving grace of the films. They’re fascinating to watch in a “I have a degree in Gender Studies from Oberlin” kind of way, Simply put, her role as The Best Friend in mainstream romantic comedies often make no sense. She’s single so that means she’s kooky? A klepto? An alcoholic? A slut? A lesbian? We’re not sure and neither is Hollywood. They just try to make her as spastic as possible and write it off as her being a quirky single chick who tells it like it is! I only like these characters because they’re shockingly offensive. I enjoy things that offend me.

3. The Multi-Dimensional Gay Person

Weekend—the buzzworthy gay film that’s currently playing at a token indie cinema with bad popcorn near you—is supposed to be a revelation. Why? Because it’s about two gay dudes who, like, really care about each other and stuff. This is shocking news apparently! I thought gay men had no souls and just liked to have meaningless sex with each other? Are you telling me that gay men can be tender with one another? Wow. Hold the brakes! Weekend is a “quiet’ and “romantic” film about two gay guys, which means that it’s sadly considered to be progressive. I loved the film. It tugged at my big gay single heartstrings and I liked the fact that the gay characters were more than just their sexuality. But it’s a bummer that the film had to be such a big deal. Because it’s really just a movie about a whirlwind romance. Nothing more to see here folks. Move it along.

4. The Really Good Hipster Soundtrack In A Really Bad Hipster Movie

I’m such a big of the Great Movie Soundtrack in a Not-So-Great Movie. Mediocre films are big fans of having an amazing soundtrack so as to distract the viewer from a paper thin plot and cheesy dialogue. In fact, want to know a polite way of saying that a movie sucked? Tell someone, “OMG, the soundtrack is amazing!” Here are examples of films when such a response would be applicable: most Sofia Coppola films, Juno, Drive, Wicker Park, and (500) Days Of Summer. SUCH good soundtracks. I swear, such good acting from the soundtrack. TC mark

image – Weekend

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

Trace the scars life has left you. It will remind you that at one point, you fought for something. You believed.

“You are the only person who gets to decide if you are happy or not—do not put your happiness into the hands of other people. Do not make it contingent on their acceptance of you or their feelings for you. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if someone dislikes you or if someone doesn’t want to be with you. All that matters is that you are happy with the person you are becoming. All that matters is that you like yourself, that you are proud of what you are putting out into the world. You are in charge of your joy, of your worth. You get to be your own validation. Please don’t ever forget that.” — Bianca Sparacino

Excerpted from The Strength In Our Scars by Bianca Sparacino.

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  • Ed

    Vitamin D. Then I stopped reading.

    • Ryan O'Connell

      Then you commented because YOU ARE TRYING TO RUIN MY LIFE.

    • http://profiles.google.com/courtneypickard Courtney Pickard

      beat me to the punchline, homie

  • lia marie

    i didn’t like the part where you said (5oo) days of summer, sofia coppola, juno etc were bad movies because i loved them all and i don’t even care whether that’s embarrassing or anything

  • Just Sayin

    I LOVE the bitching about ‘real life’ getting dumped, sleeping with your ex two days later…it’s relatable. Bitching about pop culture only proves that you spend way too much time consuming it. How is a Kirsten Dunst film going to affect your life enough for you write about it, certainly doesn’t with me???? If it does then there’s an entirely different self retrospective article to be written. Back to basics folks

  • britneyspears

    omg KiKi seems so sad these days. She wasn’t really on coke right? ugh is everyone on coke but me???

  • http://twitter.com/tannnyaya Tanya Salyers

    Drive sucked, but I Shazam’d almost every song in it.  Worth the 9.50 movie ticket.

  • emtay

    Drive, “really bad hipster movie”? ok

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_CXCS7TXFL5TS2LGXRPMARVGOHY Viktor

    You can fuck off if you think Drive is a hipster movie.

    • Guy

      I think Drive is a hipster movie.

      • Melissa

        WELL YOU CAN FUCK OFF

  • Anonymous

    JUDY GREER A+

    I would watch anything she’s in.

  • longrifle

    This entire article made me think more today than the three classes I attended earlier combined.

  • Kean

    Disagree that ‘Drive’ is only a good movie on the merits of the soundtrack. Cinematography is beautiful and the complexity of the characters was simply portrayed. Amazing!

    • Guy

      The characters in Drive are abnormally quiet and sullen; that does not make them complex.  I still liked it though.

    • Melissa

      THANK YOU

    • Catt

      See, but that’s not right.

  • Chex mix

    Such a big of the Great Movie Soundtrack? Oh are you? Such a big FAN, even?

    Sorry…

  • Alasdair

    I found that comment about Kirsten Dunst pretty offensive. Call me humorless if you will, but I don’t think you should be saying about any person who’s suffered from depression ‘eh, s/he’s not *really* depressed’. How in the fuck do you know better than she does?

    Sincerely,
    A person who really *has* suffered from depression, and doesn’t appreciate jokes about it.

    • BONER

      Depression is not a real disease.

  • http://www.facebook.com/cjbenton Christophe Benton

    WICKER PARK–>>>>MUM, AND MAZZY STAR, AND SHINS. THE BEGINNING OF AN INDIE LOVE AFFAIR

  • Anonymous

    Last point about soundtracks (Y). Agree with all the movies except for drive. It was the soundtrack that somehow made the movie watchable

  • mysticlipstick

    YES to Judy Greer. So type-cast.

  • mysticlipstick

    Judy Greer is SO type-cast.

  • brain b

    whatever. i love Weekend. heteros and homos alike confirm: the characters are like, real. like, 4 real 4 real.

  • whatsfordunch

    you mean Kirsten MOONBATHED. /planetbathed.

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