1. Kirsten Dunst As The Depressed Hipster
Kirsten Dunst has perfected the art of playing the depressed Valley girl cum hipster and I love her for it. In her latest film, Melancholia, she plays a woman who is like super sad. She can’t get out of bed, let alone get married to Alexander Skarsgård, so she spends the whole movie unable to walk, feeling intense things we will never understand, having sex with a random dude on the lawn in front of her wedding reception, and giving dead (but chic) eyes to the camera. I’m being completely serious though when I say that depression has never looked as good as it does in Melancholia. That’s not even me trying to be funny. It’s the honest to God truth. Even though Kiki can barely speak, she looks simply radiant in denim cut offs and a torn vintage tee. She also sometimes sunbathes nude and looks like a glowing angel. Maybe she’s hoping the extra vitamin E exposure will turn her luck around? Whatever. The point is that no one can do depression better and sexier than Kirsten. Maybe it’s because she went through it herself when she went to rehab for depression (otherwise known as “Kirsten Dunst had the worst coke comedown of her life and couldn’t deal”) in 2008 at Cirque Lodge. It might not even be acting for her. THIS JUST MIGHT BE HER REAL LIFE.
2. Judy Greer as The Tragic Best Friend In A Romantic Comedy
I had higher hopes for Judy Greer. Hell, I think Judy Greer had higher hopes for Judy Greer. When she burst on the scene as Fern Mayo in Jawbreaker, the future looked bright for her. Visions of her as a successful comic actress danced in all of our heads. Unfortunately, Judy took a detour in rom-com hell (presumably to pay her rent) and has never found her way back. That’s not to say though that her portrayals as a desperate psycho best friend to the Katherine Heigl’s of the world aren’t entertaining. In fact they’re often the saving grace of the films. They’re fascinating to watch in a “I have a degree in Gender Studies from Oberlin” kind of way, Simply put, her role as The Best Friend in mainstream romantic comedies often make no sense. She’s single so that means she’s kooky? A klepto? An alcoholic? A slut? A lesbian? We’re not sure and neither is Hollywood. They just try to make her as spastic as possible and write it off as her being a quirky single chick who tells it like it is! I only like these characters because they’re shockingly offensive. I enjoy things that offend me.
3. The Multi-Dimensional Gay Person
Weekend—the buzzworthy gay film that’s currently playing at a token indie cinema with bad popcorn near you—is supposed to be a revelation. Why? Because it’s about two gay dudes who, like, really care about each other and stuff. This is shocking news apparently! I thought gay men had no souls and just liked to have meaningless sex with each other? Are you telling me that gay men can be tender with one another? Wow. Hold the brakes! Weekend is a “quiet’ and “romantic” film about two gay guys, which means that it’s sadly considered to be progressive. I loved the film. It tugged at my big gay single heartstrings and I liked the fact that the gay characters were more than just their sexuality. But it’s a bummer that the film had to be such a big deal. Because it’s really just a movie about a whirlwind romance. Nothing more to see here folks. Move it along.
4. The Really Good Hipster Soundtrack In A Really Bad Hipster Movie
I’m such a big of the Great Movie Soundtrack in a Not-So-Great Movie. Mediocre films are big fans of having an amazing soundtrack so as to distract the viewer from a paper thin plot and cheesy dialogue. In fact, want to know a polite way of saying that a movie sucked? Tell someone, “OMG, the soundtrack is amazing!” Here are examples of films when such a response would be applicable: most Sofia Coppola films, Juno, Drive, Wicker Park, and (500) Days Of Summer. SUCH good soundtracks. I swear, such good acting from the soundtrack.