If You Make Me Laugh, I’ll Marry You

You know what’s weird? Some people aren’t funny. I mean, I’m not talking about the people who think they’re funny but are, in fact, quite the opposite, although those people suck too. I’m referring to the poor souls who legit don’t have a funny bone in their entire body. They’re seemingly allergic to making jokes and refuse to view the world through any lens that might contain humor. These people scare me. I always assumed that humor was just something that everyone had. Granted, some people were blessed with more of it than others but I thought the common ground we all shared was our desire to laugh. I guess not though! After doing extensive research, I’ve discovered that some people just don’t like to laugh. It’s not on their life to-do list. “I have to do laundry today, be happy, kiss someone, fall in love. Check, check, check, check. Dear god, what is “Have a good laugh” doing on here?! Is this some kind of prank? I’d sooner die than make with the funny jokes!”

So yeah, I don’t get unfunny people. I probably would understand polygamist Mormons and the Amish more than I would understand a humorless bastard but that’s just me bein’ Miley, I guess! Now that I think about it though, I suppose the unfunny people I meet do serve an important purpose in my life. By being horrendous wastes of space, they make all of the people I can banter with all the more special to me. Let’s be real, when you find someone who is on your level with the jokes, you do either one of two things:

1. Start sobbing uncontrollably out of relief and tattoo “BEST FRIENDS FOREVER” on your chest. Then try drugging the funny person with ten Vicodin before bed and tattoo “I’M OFF THE BEST FRIEND MARKET” on their face while they’re asleep. They should know that resistance is futile. They have no choice but to be your best friend. Sorry.

2. In my case, if said funny person has a penis, I will pursue them tirelessly and break their spirit/will to live until they agree to date and love me… at least five days out of the week. I am so attracted to men who can make me laugh. Someone can be a burn victim/dwarf with halitosis and if they have me in stitches, I’ll be like, “Whatever. Good breath is overrated anyway. Please get on top of me now!” When someone can play off of my jokes and create a ping-pong match of dialogue, I’m basically jizzing in my pants every two seconds. That’s a love stain right there….

Unfortunately, finding Mr. Funny Man is supremely difficult. What’s up with that, boys? Why aren’t you funny? Being a B-I-T-C-H doesn’t count as actual humor, FYI. Brattiness requires minimal brain effort and is never impressive. Although it’s fair to note that dating an actual comedian type could be a nightmare. They’re usually full of self-loathing, insecurity, and booze. But you know what? I don’t care. I’ll take my funny guy with a side of messed up. All of the people worth knowing and dating are crazy anyway.

This is sort of unrelated, but you know what I think is hilarious? When I’m hanging out with someone who has no sense of humor and I make my tenth joke of the evening when, all of a sudden, they look at me like a lightbulb just went off in their head and say, “Oh my goddddd, you’re like really funny! Wow….” Um, duh. Where the hell have you been during this hang out session? It’s all I have! If you weren’t aware of my sense of humor, what were you noticing? Don’t answer that actually. Funny people are sensitive. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

image – David Shankbone

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