How To Be Popular In High School
Be a girl who hooks up with lots of boys. Go to house parties on the weekend and make out with your best girlfriend in the hot tub because your crush told you to. Have the entire school know about it on Monday. The reactions will range from disgust to “Why don’t I ever get invited to parties?” Walk down the hallways in a sundress and incite looks of rage and envy from the girls in your class. Have very few friends, only lovers. Be lonely. Be sad. Be the token popular slut in high school.
Have lots of money. Correction: Have rich parents. Flaunt your wealth by having superior shampoo and conditioner, perfume, the new designer shoes, whatever. You’ll be universally hated for being able to have nice things at such a young undeserving age but that’s also why you’ll be loved. Wealth is always a double-edged sword and in high school it’s no exception. Pay for your friends meals when you go out to dinner. Pay for the limo at prom. Pay for everything. With every extra dollar you spend, know that you’ll get that much farther away from being alone. Or so you think.
Be spared an awkward stage and bloom into a beautiful pubescent flower at the age of fifteen. Your beauty will stand out just by virtue of the fact that everyone else around you is hideous with acne. You’ll be a true diamond in the rough, someone who didn’t suffer through their teen years, only to be rewarded with a sexy face and body in their twenties. On the contrary, you peak when you’re 19 and call it a day. (For the record, I don’t trust beautiful teenagers for a second. Everyone must be ugly for a second.)
Make people afraid of you. Instill fear in their eyes with a single glance. Understand that, to a certain extent, popularity is mostly measured by how scary you are. Understand that in order to gain prominence you must not let anyone mess with you. This is a sad and lonely way to be during high school. You’ll feel your emotional center begin to rot with every unprovoked insult you give but you might win Homecoming so whatever!
Be that rare breed of high schooler that’s popular because of their outgoing personality. Radiate an energy that makes everyone want to be around you. Be in the school plays and on the sports team. You are the chosen one. You get to do everything without receiving any judgement from your peers. Be that person who graduates high school and posts pictures of them eating a banana split on Facebook and marries some nice good-looking person at a young age. Everyone will want to hate you but can’t because you were just so gosh darn nice.
Get drunk in history class out of a water bottle filled with vodka. Take somas during Biology class and fall to the floor. Try coke at one of those weekend parties everyone wanted to get invited to that ended up becoming legendary. Become known for being a druggie, which is sort of tragic but also makes you sort of intriguing. People will be fascinated by you, they’ll wonder about your family and where you come from, but they’ll keep their distance. Oh well. At least you’ll be popular in high school.