How To Be Popular In High School

God & Man

Be a girl who hooks up with lots of boys. Go to house parties on the weekend and make out with your best girlfriend in the hot tub because your crush told you to. Have the entire school know about it on Monday. The reactions will range from disgust to “Why don’t I ever get invited to parties?” Walk down the hallways in a sundress and incite looks of rage and envy from the girls in your class. Have very few friends, only lovers. Be lonely. Be sad. Be the token popular slut in high school.

Have lots of money. Correction: Have rich parents. Flaunt your wealth by having superior shampoo and conditioner, perfume, the new designer shoes, whatever. You’ll be universally hated for being able to have nice things at such a young undeserving age but that’s also why you’ll be loved. Wealth is always a double-edged sword and in high school it’s no exception. Pay for your friends meals when you go out to dinner. Pay for the limo at prom. Pay for everything. With every extra dollar you spend, know that you’ll get that much farther away from being alone. Or so you think.

Be spared an awkward stage and bloom into a beautiful pubescent flower at the age of fifteen. Your beauty will stand out just by virtue of the fact that everyone else around you is hideous with acne. You’ll be a true diamond in the rough, someone who didn’t suffer through their teen years, only to be rewarded with a sexy face and body in their twenties. On the contrary, you peak when you’re 19 and call it a day. (For the record, I don’t trust beautiful teenagers for a second. Everyone must be ugly for a second.)

Make people afraid of you. Instill fear in their eyes with a single glance. Understand that, to a certain extent, popularity is mostly measured by how scary you are. Understand that in order to gain prominence you must not let anyone mess with you. This is a sad and lonely way to be during high school. You’ll feel your emotional center begin to rot with every unprovoked insult you give but you might win Homecoming so whatever!

Be that rare breed of high schooler that’s popular because of their outgoing personality. Radiate an energy that makes everyone want to be around you. Be in the school plays and on the sports team. You are the chosen one. You get to do everything without receiving any judgement from your peers. Be that person who graduates high school and posts pictures of them eating a banana split on Facebook and marries some nice good-looking person at a young age. Everyone will want to hate you but can’t because you were just so gosh darn nice.

Get drunk in history class out of a water bottle filled with vodka. Take somas during Biology class and fall to the floor. Try coke at one of those weekend parties everyone wanted to get invited to that ended up becoming legendary. Become known for being a druggie, which is sort of tragic but also makes you sort of intriguing. People will be fascinated by you, they’ll wonder about your family and where you come from, but they’ll keep their distance. Oh well. At least you’ll be popular in high school. TC mark

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

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  • Anonymous

    To be popular in high school you need you to find the biggest meanest looking guy and knock him out, and pray that you left him unconscious enough for you to run away.

    • Anonymous

      That gets you popularity and fear for some time. However, many will be too afraid. 

  • God

    Shut up.

  • Meera Shah

    if only you wrote this a few years ago!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=2311203 Kevin Pritchard

    This is the guide to be popular in college too. Unfortunately, you can only maintain this for a four year period. Choose wisely, ladies!

  • macgyver51

    I’m fairly sure you copied this from a 16 year old girl’s diary.

  • macgyver51

    Did my comment about this being copied from a 16 year old girl’s diary really get removed? Be honest, that was funny.

    • http://twitter.com/laundryandri Andri Alexandrou

      ha this is funnier than the original post. luckily, both are posted

  • Chase

    darn, now if only i had read this during high school…

  • Katie

    i really hope this is a joke. 

    • Ubtytybrown

      i really hope your comment is a joke

  • aqf

    oh god poor me i was such a bitch to everyone in high school but i’m full of so much pain my life is so hard waaaah it’s so hard bullying people and dealing with the guilt waaaah

    jesus

  • http://twitter.com/mung_beans Mung Beans

    still waiting for my acne to go away at two months shy of 25

  • Anonymous

    Why would anybody want to be popular in high school?

    • :)

      YES

    • http://www.facebook.com/cjbenton Christophe Benton

      IF YOU WERE POPULAR IN HIGH SCHOOL , THEN YOU ARE SIGNIFICANTLY LESS LIKELY TO BE A HIPSTER IN ADULTHOOD. UNLESS, OF COURSE, YOU ARE FROM CALIFORNIA. SCIENCE! 

      • Anonymous

        your point to be that ryan was probably not popular in high school?

  • Allthecutestuff

    I was all of these except the rare breed of high schooler that’s popular because of their outgoing personality.

  • Anonymous

    Great. Fresh out of high school and NOW you tell me?!

  • Jogre

    This is kind of a mean thing to say, however when I read the title of this article it was almost as if someone was doing a caricature of the usual Ryan O’Connell filth. I know he (you) run this website, but it seems as if it’s good inspire of not because of you. This, like many, O’Connell pages is filled with such blatant cliches it barely resembles reality, at least as I know it. But then again I might have grown up in the real world and not some fictional absurdity. I’m curious if the author can say the same.

    • Jogre

      *inspite

  • Ryan Dempsey

    It does read like a TV caricature…but those can be damaging. It wasn’t until College that I realized what an impact TV had on the way I perceived popularity. I realized when all was said and done, I didn’t even know most of their names, and they knew mine. There were a few jackasses and loads of privileged kids, but navigating popularity has its own pitfalls. I became much more outgoing and “popular” in college when I stopped victimizing myself and vilifying the “popular” kids and taught all I knew to my younger sister. From sociology I learned that popularity has a lot to do with being involved in activities and being seen. From personal experience I learned that it has a lot to do with grooming and taking the time to learn someone’s name, using it, and making an effort to give them attention.

  • Ryan Dempsey

    It does read like a TV caricature…but those can be damaging. It wasn’t until College that I realized what an impact TV had on the way I perceived popularity. I realized when all was said and done, I didn’t even know most of their names, and they knew mine. There were a few jackasses and loads of privileged kids, but navigating popularity has its own pitfalls. I became much more outgoing and “popular” in college when I stopped victimizing myself and vilifying the “popular” kids and taught all I knew to my younger sister. From sociology I learned that popularity has a lot to do with being involved in activities and being seen. From personal experience I learned that it has a lot to do with grooming and taking the time to learn someone’s name, using it, and making an effort to give them attention.

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  • Georgie-is-

    Hahahaha I am a mixture of all of these things and I am NOT popular ha.

    • http://twitter.com/AFDex16 Tony F.

      so you’re a dried up slut too?

  • Anonymous

    phlpn.es/829r8s

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  • middle schooler

    wow ……….. that is funnny i am typing this on my 3ds ♪♭☆☆★★

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