1. Bad restaurants
I don’t get restaurants with terrible food. Why would you enter a business in which most ventures fail when you’re not even a good cook? That’s like me owning a bike shop when I don’t even know how to ride a bike. Does someone just think to themselves one day, “I know! I’ll risk my entire financial future because I feel compelled to make bland hamburgers and runny eggs!”? Is that the thought process? I understand restaurants that have amazing ambience but bland food. They just want to be a trendy destination and I respect that. However, I don’t understand people who don’t care about the ambience or food. Why even bother then? You’re better off opening a Checks Ca$hed store in a strip mall or something.
2. Subtle homophobia
I’ve talked about this already on my Twitter but allow me to elaborate beyond the 140 characters. Nothing disturbs me more than when people who claim to be accepting of gay people, write stuff on my articles like, “OMG, we get it. You’re gay. Oh, Ryan’s gay? Didn’t notice! Stop talking about being gay!” Here’s the deal. Straight people get to talk about their heterosexuality every day all day. They can write about their relationships, their turn ons, their breakups without worrying about talking too much about their heterosexuality. After all, there is no such thing as being “too straight.” No one’s going to comment on an article by a straight person and say, “We get it! You’re straight. Talk about something else!” No one’s going to yell at Ryan Reynolds for playing straight dudes in movies. “I’m just worried about being typecast as straight, you know?”, he’ll admit to GQ magazine. Why should I have to worry if I’m being too much of a “gay writer”? It’s not like it’s off-topic. It’s not like I’m mentioning it at random. “I loved Kirsten Dunst in Melancholia because I feel like she captured what it feels like to be in the throes of depression. I love penis. Charlotte Gainsbourg did a great job as Dunst’s sister. Penis. Lars Von Trier is a great director. God, I wish I could hold a penis right now because I’m gay.” Why should I be ridiculed for talking about my love life? Why are you rolling your eyes? Go roll your eyes at Nancy Meyers. The criticism, the poking fun just goes to show that some people aren’t entirely comfortable with gay men talking candidly about their love life. I don’t care how many gay friends you claim to have. If you’re getting annoyed when a gay guy is writing about loving dudes, homophobia is pissing all over your pride parade.
3. Being glued to your smart phone when we’re having one-on-one time
When my best friends decided to get smart phones, I didn’t realize I would be competing with it for their attention. I didn’t know that they would be texting at the table, even when I’m spilling my guts about something. I like to think of myself as being a swanky steakhouse with the # 1 rule being “NO CELL PHONES IN THE DINING ROOM ALLOWED.” I know we’re all slaves to technology but come on. I’m telling you about how I’ve been crying at commercials for cat food. Be respectful.
4. When people are rude to waiters, mailmen, people who work retail
People never cease to amaze me with their rudeness. My neighbor, for example, is insanely rude. Like my jaw drops to the floor when I see her interacting with people. Last week, UPS knocked on both of our doors to give us packages and when my neighbor answered the door, you could tell that she was just looking for a fight. She barked at the UPS guy about something inane and when he gave us each other’s packages on accident, she started screaming at him, “I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE HELL YOUR PROBLEM IS BUT YOU’RE ALL KINDS OF MESSED UP TODAY!” The UPS guy was visibly shocked by her outburst and quickly scurried out of there while I just stood there in disbelief. My neighbor looked at me like, “Ugh, wasn’t that guy stupid?” but I wasn’t giving her any validation. In fact I wanted to yell at her and ask, “WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM? WHY ARE YOU SO ANGRY?” but then I realized that, by doing so, I would also sound insane and angry. Honesty though, why are people so angry? They have so many issues that they decide to take it out on the UPS guy, the waiter who forgot to bring them their glass of wine, an, ahem, blogger who wrote a piece that vaguely offended them. It’s all so transparent. It’s obviously displaced anger. You couldn’t possibly be that upset over something so trivial. Something deeper is going on. I understand that but go take your anger out at the gym, your therapist, or your boyfriend like a normal person. Leave the poorly paid mail man out of it.
5. Rich people who pretend they’re poor
This one is simple. Don’t ever tell me “Ugh, I have NO money” when you’re wearing a Marc Jacobs dress. You know who has your money? Marc Jacobs and your parents. Go get it back from them and stop pretending like you’re broke. I know you want to relate to every other 20-something but this is not the appropriate way. “Mom, I feel left out from my broke peers. Can you give me a smaller allowance this week so I can struggle? All I want for Christmas is to struggle like everyone else. Cancel the pony.”