5 Things That Deeply Offend Me

1. Bad restaurants

I don’t get restaurants with terrible food. Why would you enter a business in which most ventures fail when you’re not even a good cook? That’s like me owning a bike shop when I don’t even know how to ride a bike. Does someone just think to themselves one day, “I know! I’ll risk my entire financial future because I feel compelled to make bland hamburgers and runny eggs!”? Is that the thought process? I understand restaurants that have amazing ambience but bland food. They just want to be a trendy destination and I respect that. However, I don’t understand people who don’t care about the ambience or food. Why even bother then? You’re better off opening a Checks Ca$hed store in a strip mall or something.

2. Subtle homophobia

I’ve talked about this already on my Twitter but allow me to elaborate beyond the 140 characters. Nothing disturbs me more than when people who claim to be accepting of gay people, write stuff on my articles like, “OMG, we get it. You’re gay. Oh, Ryan’s gay? Didn’t notice! Stop talking about being gay!” Here’s the deal. Straight people get to talk about their heterosexuality every day all day. They can write about their relationships, their turn ons, their breakups without worrying about talking too much about their heterosexuality.  After all, there is no such thing as being “too straight.” No one’s going to comment on an article by a straight person and say, “We get it! You’re straight. Talk about something else!” No one’s going to yell at Ryan Reynolds for playing straight dudes in movies. “I’m just worried about being typecast as straight, you know?”, he’ll admit to GQ magazine. Why should I have to worry if I’m being too much of a “gay writer”?  It’s not like it’s off-topic. It’s not like I’m mentioning it at random. “I loved Kirsten Dunst in Melancholia because I feel like she captured what it feels like to be in the throes of depression. I love penis. Charlotte Gainsbourg did a great job as Dunst’s sister. Penis. Lars Von Trier is a great director. God, I wish I could hold a penis right now because I’m gay.”  Why should I be ridiculed for talking about my love life? Why are you rolling your eyes? Go roll your eyes at Nancy Meyers. The criticism, the poking fun just goes to show that some people aren’t entirely comfortable with gay men talking candidly about their love life. I don’t care how many gay friends you claim to have. If you’re getting annoyed when a gay guy is writing about loving dudes, homophobia is pissing all over your pride parade.

3. Being glued to your smart phone when we’re having one-on-one time

When my best friends decided to get smart phones, I didn’t realize I would be competing with it for their attention. I didn’t know that they would be texting at the table, even when I’m spilling my guts about something. I like to think of myself as being a swanky steakhouse with the # 1 rule being “NO CELL PHONES IN THE DINING ROOM ALLOWED.” I know we’re all slaves to technology but come on. I’m telling you about how I’ve been crying at commercials for cat food. Be respectful.

4. When people are rude to waiters, mailmen, people who work retail

People never cease to amaze me with their rudeness. My neighbor, for example, is insanely rude. Like my jaw drops to the floor when  I see her interacting with people. Last week, UPS knocked on both of our doors to give us packages and when my neighbor answered the door, you could tell that she was just looking for a fight. She barked at the UPS guy about something inane and when he gave us each other’s packages on accident, she started screaming at him, “I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE HELL YOUR PROBLEM IS BUT YOU’RE ALL KINDS OF MESSED UP TODAY!” The UPS guy was visibly shocked by her outburst and quickly scurried out of there while I just stood there in disbelief. My neighbor looked at me like, “Ugh, wasn’t that guy stupid?” but I wasn’t giving her any validation. In fact I wanted to yell at her and ask, “WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM? WHY ARE YOU SO ANGRY?” but then I realized that, by doing so, I would also sound insane and angry. Honesty though, why are people so angry? They have so many issues that they decide to take it out on the UPS guy, the waiter who forgot to bring them their glass of wine, an, ahem, blogger who wrote a piece that vaguely offended them. It’s all so transparent. It’s obviously displaced anger. You couldn’t possibly be that upset over something so trivial. Something deeper is going on. I understand that but go take your anger out at the gym, your therapist, or your boyfriend like a normal person. Leave the poorly paid mail man out of it.

5. Rich people who pretend they’re poor

This one is simple. Don’t ever tell me “Ugh, I have NO money” when you’re wearing a Marc Jacobs dress. You know who has your money? Marc Jacobs and your parents. Go get it back from them and stop pretending like you’re broke. I know you want to relate to every other 20-something but this is not the appropriate way. “Mom, I feel left out from my broke peers. Can you give me a smaller allowance this week so I can struggle? All I want for Christmas is to struggle like everyone else. Cancel the pony.” TC mark

image – Kate Pullen

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.


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  • Anonymous

    yes yes yes yes and yes. 

    you are RIGHT ON. especially with the rude to people in retail, etc. my bf comes off as incredibly rude sometimes (he doesnt mean to, he’s just a gruff person) so i am constantly  overly nice to make up for it. ha. a smile never hurt anyone!

  • Meera Shah

    this is pure genius. 

  • Vicky Shazam

    you never cease to amuse and entertain me

  • http://thefirstchurchofmutterhals.blogspot.com/ mutterhals

    “God, I wish I could hold a penis right now because I’m gay.” LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

    • lalala

      girls would like to hold one too not just gay guys! hahahaha 

      • http://fazed-girl.blogspot.com Samantha

        only if those girls like boys

  • http://www.soapboxville.com carol anne @ soapboxville

    Amendment to #3

    Please, for the love of Mike stop walking around the supermarket talking on your bluetooth earpiece. 1.  It makes me think I’m going crazy until I realize you are not talking to me.  2.  It makes me think you are crazy until I realize you’re not talking to yourself.  3.  If you can’t be alone with your own thoughts for the amount of time it takes you to shop for groceries you have issues, see a therapist. 

    • http://twitter.com/no_cazador hunter ray

      r u srs with this soapboxville thing?

  • David Bivins

    Based on the image associated with the article, I was hoping Crocs would be one of the things that deeply offend you.
    Seriously, though, #4 includes a nugget of wisdom that should become #1 out of 6: people who seek validation for their awfulness. It happens in the security line at the airport, at the deli, anywhere where people are forced to stay in close proximity together for a length of time. The person misunderstands the Starbucks barista, gets pissed off, then gives you those “can you believe it?” eyes. It’s best to ignore those eyes, pretend you saw/heard nothing, but it’s more fun to look back at the person with “are you out of your fucking mind?!” eyes and hope you can make it the rest of the way through the line without incident.

  • http://twitter.com/goldengutgirl @goldengutgirl

    “Cancel the pony.” OH MAN I love reading your articles so much I’m leaving a lame comment, yay!

  • Anonymous

    i work in retail, so i strongly agree with no. 4. i don’t get why people think it’s their god-given right to treat me like crap because they’re trying to use expired coupons and i won’t let them. LEARN TO READ. and to treat people with common courtesy. asshole.

  • tee

    Thank you for #4. I work in a restaurant and I’m victim to that sort of  behavior quite a bit. Especially around the holidays as there are many outlet malls near my job. It’s exhausting sometimes, but I deal with it by killing these people with kindness. By the end of their meal, they’re much nicer and sometimes even apologize for being so grumpy. Sometimes :/

    • http://twitter.com/no_cazador hunter ray

      You should kill them literally

  • http://fazed-girl.blogspot.com Samantha


    I don’t usually finish reading the things you write because I don’t find your writing style appealing (different folks, different strokes, right?) but THIS WAS GREAT and even though I skipped over #1, after I read 2  – 5 and loved you for it, I went back and read 1 again.

    Bless youuuuu~

    • Rishtopher

      I’ll chime in and say that you pretty much summed up exactly how I feel about this article right here lol. 

  • Bradley

    Yes to #5…I especially hate those trust fund hipster types who try so fucking hard to appear poor when their parents are paying their rent, buying them everything, paying their tuition etc. Such hipster douches.

    • DUhr

      YEAH DUDE! TOTALLY! They should totally run around screaming “I’m rich” while throwing money up in the air and laughing at the poor kids that have to ride the bus.

  • Mary

    “Leave the poorly paid mail man out of it.” —–> LOLOLOLOL

  • David Chambers

    We get it. You’re constantly horny. Now stop thinking about dicks and think about other stuff.

  • hornblower

    bad restaurants in Cda are partly a result of immigration policy. Yup. We have this thing called the entrepreneur class of immigrants which requires them to set up a business and hire some people for a couple years. The business doesn’t have to interest the immigrant & it doesn’t have to succeed – just has to give appearance of being vaguely business like for a couple years until the immigrant & family can apply for citizenship. Hence the plethora of crap restaurants which can’t possibly be making money. They’re not. They’re just a calculated investment in a passport.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=795410552 Penny Tristram

    Unfortunately where I live in the UK, people love this kind of “food”.

  • Jessica

    Hahaha “cancel the pony.” I agree with each one of these. 1) I am SO confused by bad restaurants. 2) It doesn’t phase me one bit when you talk about being gay– in fact I feel like I can relate even though I am straight 3) I don’t have a smart phone 4) It embarrasses me so much when I see someone being rude to anyone in the service industry 5) I’m a broke 25 year old. You just get it. I love it.

  • https://twitter.com/iamthepuddles Jordana Bevan

    you are you and you are real and it’s nice to read you just being honest and not trying to jazz things up. <3 ryan

    • https://twitter.com/iamthepuddles Jordana Bevan

      also RE:#5, I met this guy the other day and he described his clothing style: “I wear designer everything but make it look cheap like everyone else’s clothes.” Like verbatim. Uh

  • B Wagner03

    what are you – like reading my mind or something? we’re soul mates. it’s been decided. (great piece! – observations, thoughts, and candid way of communicating them.)

  • Sean

    #2 is dead on! There’s so many people out there that say they’re accepting of gay people, but really have very little tolerance for it in reality. I had a friend (a straight female) who would always be the first person to call someone out for being homophobic, but she was also the first person to deny that any guy who ever had a girlfriend (or who she thought was cute) was gay. Granted I have the worst gay-dar in the world, but she really did a number on my confidence because there were a lot of guys I thought were into me (and found out later they were, only to have missed my opportunity) and she made me feel stupid for thinking it. She would also constantly get annoyed when she thought I was acting “overly flamboyant” (an adjective that’s negative connotation really hits a nerve). I realize now she was just extremely selfish and self-absorbed at the time, but she’s not alone. A lot of people want a “gay best friend” but not everyone knows how to be a gay man’s “straight best friend”. The road goes both ways (even if they do seem to “swing in different directions”, if you know what I mean.) and there needs to be a sense of tolerance that isn’t tinged with criticism.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=507159106 Nikki McGillicuddy

    I disagree with the whole ” there’s no such thing as being too straight”, because in So-Cal, where I live, there’s an abundance of people who are too straight. They usually border on being red-necks. You know, drive lifted trucks, are against education, and listen to Nickelback.

    • Guest

      I hope what you just said was done so with tongue in cheek,  because I’m not sure how anyone can relate sexual orientation to items, policy positions, and less than stellar music. 

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=507159106 Nikki McGillicuddy

        Well GUEST you obviously haven’t lived in Southern California, because if you did, you’d realize  relating sexual orientation to items, policy positions, and less than stellar music is quite easy and happens all the time. I’ve heard from many a people that So-Cal is a culture on to itself. Many people have tried to move here and acclimate to the culture but many fail. Sure, some are able to, but most can’t. It works both ways though as many people from So-Cal have trouble acclimating to other places as well. Most people I’ve known or talked to have made it any from a few months to 2years.
        You see, the reason why people have a hard time adjusting to the culture here is that a lot of the native So-calers are very fake. Watch an episode of “Real Housewives of OC”, and you’ll get a glimpse(which pales in comparison to how it actually is here) and the spurious types of people here. 
        I love California, but I’m very aware of the lifestyle and culture here.

    • http://nchaplin.tumblr.com N.

      I come from a similar culture in Western New England and it has nothing to do with being straight or gay. I know just as many gay men in these parts who are redneck Republicans with jacked up trucks, stilted vocabularies, and poor taste in fashion and music. It’s just a cultural thing and something I failed to relate to from birth, long before I had any awareness of my alternative sexuality. But I will give you one thing, in such cultures, people who act ‘too straight’ are often trying too hard not to seem at all gay.

  • Hello

    In regards to #2, I’m gay and often very much appreciate your “gay” pieces. With that being said, I feel that you often make your homosexuality your defining element, when in actuality, it’s simply a characteristic of yourself much like your hair color or favorite food.

    • Anonymous

      Not really. 

  • Ellen

    I’m glad you finally addressed your commenters about the issue of people complaining how gay you are. I don’t see why it’s an issue that you’re always writing about boys, because you know, straight boys feel things like gay boys do. And can do a lot of the hurtful things gay boys do. As a straight woman, when you write about this stuff, I can relate to it. And lesbians and straight girls do ridiculous things too! Love is awesome and terrible and exciting and depressing no matter what gender(s) you’re into. Love is love.

  • bailey debruynkops


  • guest

    NUMBER FOUR YES. Ugh I feel like I have to apologize for being human when I see someone pull that shit

  • http://www.facebook.com/jess.hurst1 Jess Hurst

    Perfect article.

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