A Conversation With Your Hangover

You: Are you going to do me dirty today?

Your Hangover: You mean like you did me dirty last night? Thanks for the four glasses of wine and two margaritas, you jerk. I have feelings too, you know!

You: I know you do and I’m so sorry for last night. There was an open bar and things just got out of hand…

Your Hangover: I’m so tired of hearing your excuses. To show you a lesson, I’m going to be a total pain in the ass today.

You: Are you serious? Please don’t. I have so much to do today.

Your Hangover: You should’ve thought about that last night before you took that shot of tequila. I don’t mean to be a dick but the only way you’ll learn is if I ruin your life today.

You: Ugh, fine. Let’s just go get something to eat. I’m starving. Can you please fix yourself though? You look like a garbage can. I can’t bring you in public looking like that.

Your Hangover: I’m a hangover, for god’s sake. It’s my job to bring shame and look like crap. Please learn to be more sensitive.

YOU AND YOUR HANGOVER GO TO THE DINER. A WAITRESS COMES TO TAKE YOUR ORDER.

Your Waitress: Can I take your order?

You: Yeah. Can I get the kale salad?

Your Hangover: LOL. That’s not gonna work. I need to be fed properly. Miss, can we get the burrito grande, an order of fries, and a milkshake?

You: No! I don’t want to eat that. It’s going to be 5,000 calories and leave me with the runs.

Your Hangover: I know but momma needs it. Thanks hon! That’ll be all.

You: Um, when did my hangover become a sassy gay man?

Your Hangover: Your hangover is always a sassy gay man.

YOU AND YOUR HANGOVER LEAVE THE DINER AND RUN INTO THE PERSON OF YOUR DREAMS.

You: Look at that dreamboat coming my way! I’m so embarrassed. Why must I see them when I look this way?

Person Of Your Dreams: Hello, hungover stranger. You can stop your search for somebody to love. I’m it! Just come with me now and you’ll be loved forever.

You: Awesome! See ya later, hangover!

Your Hangover: Oh, you’re not going anywhere……

You: (STOMACH RUMBLES AND YOU STOP DEAD IN YOUR TRACKS) Oh my god, I hate you. You’re not doing this to me right now, are you? (TO PERSON OF YOUR DREAMS) I’m really sorry but can you wait a sec? I have to run to the bathroom.

Person Of Your Dreams: No. I have to go right now. Come with me now or forever be unloved!

You: Then bye. (MOUTHS TO HANGOVER “I hate you. Please die.” AND RUNS BACK INTO THE RESTAURANT.

Your Hangover: Hehe!!!

CUT TO: MUCH LATER. YOU AND YOUR HANGOVER ARE SPOONING EACH OTHER IN BED.

You: I feel so much better now. You feel so good around 7 pm. I feel relaxed and sleepy. I’ll sleep so well tonight because of you!

Your Hangover: OMG, thanks babe! Sorry for being a jerk at the diner earlier but it was for your own benefit.

You: I realize that now. I promise to not get too crazy again. I’ll be good.

Your Hangover: I appreciate that. Thanks! Wanna have sex now?

You: What? Thought Catalog Logo Mark

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

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