1. Starve yourself
Under normal circumstances, I would never advise anyone to Karen Carpenter themselves but on Thanksgiving day it’s pretty much essential that you experience hunger pains before digging in. By residing in Starvation Nation all day, the taste of the turkey, mashed potatoes, veggies, and pumpkin pie will explode on your taste buds and have you moaning in ecstasy in front of your startled family. Be careful though. If you’re truly ravenous you risk eating everything in ten minutes and lying down on the couch in a food coma. So eat slowly! Now that I think about it, Thanksgiving is nothing BUT experiencing food-related pain. Your starved stomach is in agony until you stuff it with fat and then it’s in another type of pain for the rest of the night. Cool.
2. Tell your whole family you’re gay…even if you’re not!
Is your Thanksgiving turning into a snoozefest? Has your drunk grandma not begun sobbing and smashing plates yet? No worries! You can pump up the volume (or Valium, in your Aunt Judy’s case) by telling your whole family that you’re gay! It doesn’t matter if it’s true or not. It will get the family in an uproar and then you can give yourself a dramatic exit. When your conservative uncle asks you with pained eyes, “WHY?!”, blame it on going to Christian youth groups in high school and watching an inordinate amount of wrestling as a child.
3. Text your friends a minute-by-minute update of the festivities
12:30pm- Um, my uncle Rory just farted and everyone is pretending that it didn’t happen. WTF? Come save me!
1:00pm- My aunt is secretly eating the pumpkin pie already. So much for the gastric bypass!
1:20pm: My grandma is on her fifth glass of wine and just asked me to braid her hair. Let it be noted that she’s balding.
1:40pm- BRB, raiding grandma’s medicine cabinet. What’s Flexeril? Will it kill me? Let’s find out!
2:20pm- My cousin who just got out of jail just came over. Did I tell you about the time he tried to make out with my sister when they were 14 and she was like, “Um, we’re related.”
3:00pm- Dinner is served. There’s one slice of pumpkin pie left and my aunt is shifting uncomfortably in her seat.
3:10pm- The turkey’s dry.
3:40pm- My mom and her sister are fighting about a forgotten birthday present from ten years ago. In other news, Flexeril is making me see everyone’s aura.
4:00pm- Someone just locked themselves in the bathroom. Oh wait, that person is me.
5:40pm- We’re leaving now. I grabbed some more of grandma’s pills so I’ll come over and we’ll get weird. Bye.
4. Surrender to the food coma
Don’t fight it. It’s futile. Give into it. Give it a warm hug and a kiss. After all, you only see this mofo once a year. If your parents try to make you move from the couch, just point to your stomach and pretend to pass out. Make a Facebook status update that says, “Girlfriend in a food coma. I know, I know. It’s really serious.” Get 6 likes from the people who get it. Watch TV while half conscious and tell yourself that you’ll never eat again. You’ll be forever full. Somehow be eating leftovers at midnight…..
5. Think about what you’re thankful for
Or not. You don’t have to do this but it’s sort of fun. This year I’m thankful for Twitter and not having any STDs. What about you?