Everyone knows that weddings equal booze and tears. As a guest of a wedding, you have to say “I Do” to acting like a damn fool on the dance floor, sobbing hysterically into your tablecloth, and maybe making out with your second cousin. It’s the American way. I haven’t been to many weddings myself because all of my friends are in their early twenties and not THAT stupid. I did, however, attend my 21-year-old Christian cousin’s wedding a few years back. I was looking forward to a night of free-flowing booze and honesty with my passive-agressive family until I realized that no alcohol would be served. Like at all. Seeing as how most of the guests were either pregnant, straightedge or both, my cousin didn’t feel it was necessary to include alcohol. WHAT? Not serving booze at a wedding is like saying “LOLZ THERE WILL BE NO WEDDING CAKE AND CAN YOU PLEASE GIVE ME TEN DOLLARS EACH FOR THE CATERED CHICKEN?” Luckily, one of my other cousins smoked me out in his car before the ceremony and I spent the entire day laughing and going back for seconds, thirds, and fourths of the wedding cake.
2. Happy hour with your co-workers
People LOVE to get wasted with their friends from work. Part of the appeal is the clash between sterile professionalism and absolute debauchery. It’s like, “Hi. I see you in work pants and a button-up every day and we talk numbers. Do you want to behave like a psycho animal with me after work and go to the strip club?” People get off on the two extremes, myself included. My favorite pastime is breaking down boundaries with people. If anyone acts too stiff with me, I consider it to be a challenge to get them wasted and tell me intimate details by the end of the night. And they always do. At 9pm, we’re talking “WORK” and by 2am, we’re talking drugs and penis size.
3. The holidays
The holidays are a notoriously stressful time. You spend 364 days of the year ignoring how screwed up your family is and then you’re obligated to face the dysfunctional music. It’s no surprise then that people choose to get completely wasted during Thanksgiving and/or Christmas dinner. If there aren’t fistfights and tears by dessert, you can consider the holiday to be a wash. My family doesn’t drink (everyone has either been to rehab for it or doesn’t like the taste) so I’ll usually have to bring along one of my “Riding Airplanes” meds to get through it. Honestly, it’s not a holiday until a medicine cabinet has been raided. #dark #holidaze
4. Alone with your BF/GF on a weeknight
Is there any greater comfort than getting balls to the wall drunk with your significant other on a Tuesday night? You didn’t plan this—it was supposed to be a quiet date night— but here you are together, polishing off the second bottle of wine. And they can’t judge you for it. You’re in a safe space. You can get as crazy as you want and STILL get laid at the end of it. “I’m going to get cray cray and you’ll have no choice but to still try to give me an orgasm later. Now pour me another glass, okaaaaayyy?” Ugh, the luxury of being in a relationship. With single people, getting wasted on a Tuesday night means you’re sad, alone, and probably going to be tweeting some things later you’ll regret in the morning.
5. Reuniting with old friends
If an old friend is coming into town for a weekend, I have to treat my body like a temple for three weeks prior to their arrival because I know it’s going to be taking one hell of a three-day beating. But that’s what you do with the friends you’ve known for forever. You get wasted, create new memories, and talk about how important you are to each other.
Honorable mentions: Brunch, celebrating good news, because you’re bored, because you’re angry, because you’re sad, because you’re happy, because you live in New York.