1. Hi. You may not know me but I certainly know you. We have 37 mutual friends on Facebook so there’s a chance we might actually be compatible as lovers or, at the very least, good friends. I also follow you on Twitter and think you’re super funny. So what do you say? Wanna bone? I mean, every time I lurk you, it feels like we’re having sex so it wouldn’t be that big of a stretch.
2. I can’t talk to you without wondering what you look like naked. It’s sort of a problem. Can I just please see you naked? Please? I don’t want to beg but I will. Okay, I’m begging. Seeing you naked and allowing me to do things to your genitalia would bring me so much joy. All you would have to do is lay there. Promise.
3. I’ve been rejected twice in this bar already and you’re kind of my last resort. When I walked in here, I saw you and thought to myself, “I’ll take them home if there is absolutely no one else.” So… your place or mine?!
4. Yo! I haven’t had sex in six months and it’s put me in a really weird head space. My friends say that I just need a random person to screw me back to life. Could you be that random person for me? Could you screw me back to life?
5. I have a really big penis. You won’t regret this. Satisfaction guaranteed or your money back. Wait, I’m not a hooker.
6. A friend of a friend slept with you and gave rave reviews. I was interested in seeing what all the hype was about. So can I get a ticket to the show or what?
7. Sometimes I cry after sex and sometimes I say I love you when I’m about to orgasm but that’s because I love anything and anyone when I’m on the verge of climaxing. I love famine and poverty and drug epidemics and wars and stuff. After I’ve finished, I’ll smile meekly at you and be like, “JK? Get out of my bed.” So other than the tears and “I love you” I think I’m a really special person and you’d be lucky to sleep with someone like me.
8. I’m going to go up to you and say, “Are you from Tennessee? Because you’re the only ten I see?” And right when I see your smile turn into a look of disgust, I’ll tell you, “JUST KIDDING. Can you imagine if I was serious? Can you imagine if I were one of those cheesy people who said that in earnest? Those people do exist though. It’s so weird. Anyway, I actually do think you’re beautiful. Do you want to come home with me?”
9. I know we’re supposed to sit here and drink for a few hours and flirt and do the whole song and dance. But the thing is that I’m tired and I have to be up for work in 7 hours. I can only probably have sex with you for 25 minutes, 30 max. So do you mind just skipping the whole thing and just coming home with me? I’d really appreciate that. You’d be doing me like a huge favor. Consider it like a birthday present.
10. I don’t give head. My favorite color is blue. My dad hit me once when I was five. I’m a pretty good kisser and my penis is of average length. Jealousss? Who wants some of this? I’m easy.
11. My body may look good in this outfit but I’m actually pretty chunky. And I have a big zit on my back right now but if we do it with the lights off, I promise you won’t notice a thing.