Remember when I was all, “Going out on a Friday night is depressing!”? Well, it is but tonight you should just suck it up and go crazy because it’s Halloween weekend! Since the gods decided to play a cruel prank on us this year by having the holiday fall on a Monday night, this weekend is your chance to find a trick and pray it turns into a treat! Full disclosure: I don’t even know what I’m going to be. All I know is that I own a fur coat and copious amounts of booze so I’m sure something will come together. I could be a drunk ex-PETA advocate, a drunk Rachel Zoe, or a drunk dead animal—all of which are terrifying.
You should go out tonight because it’s so easy to fall into that #dark homebody place where you’re thisclose to getting bed sores and the only people you’ve talked to in the past three days are delivery men carrying your pad thai. I know Halloween might seem like a giant to-do but you’ll feel terrible if you choose to stay inside and watch scary movies like Freddy Got Fingered and Crossroads instead of being with your friends and watching slutty cats and pizza boxes puke on the street. You need to see at least one slutty mouse puke in the street. Just one.
You should go out tonight because sometimes you need to get drunk and make mistakes in order to feel alive and young. Isn’t that weird? Sometimes I feel like we derive more pleasure from our bad behavior than our triumphs. We wear them like a badge of honor, like we’re taking full advantage of our youth. People say “I don’t remember anything from last night” with the kind of pride typically reserved for “I landed my dream job!” I’m not sure why this is but I do know it eventually changes. Go out tonight before it does, before “I blacked out” becomes something you whisper under the table at brunch or at an AA meeting.
Go out tonight so you can make out with someone who’s dressed like a hot dog. Samantha—your best friend who medium hates you when she’s drunk—is going to take pictures of the whole thing and post it on Facebook. The next day, when you wake up hungover and find the hot dog still in your bed you will see photos of you dry humping street vendor meat in the middle of a room. Sure, you’ll be embarrassed and kick the hot dog out—”Are you even kosher?'” you’ll scream from your window—but you’ll de-tag the photos and call Samantha out on her behavior. “Seriously Samantha? Seriously? Not cool. Seriously” All will be fine in the end and you won’t even think about the Friday night you went out and screwed a hot dog until you’re actually eating a real one at a Fourth Of July barbecue. You’ll immediately spit it out and feel disgust but eventually that will turn into a slight smile and then finally a giant grin. Haha. You slept with a hot dog because you got it together that one Friday night and left the house. You pretended to shame about it the day after but, to be honest, you considered it one of the best moments of your young adult life.
Go out tonight because you don’t want to, because your initial reaction is “No way.” If you’re having that adverse of a reaction to something, it’s a sign that you should actually do it. It’s no fun being stuck in your own ways. Want to forego tonight’s festivities and watch horror movies? Fine. I got a recommendation for you. It’s called YOUR LIFE IN TEN YEARS BYE.