When I tell people that I’ve never smoked a cigarette before, it’s usually met with complete shock. “Are you serious? Not even when you were drunk?” Nope. Not once. It’s not because I’m a prude. In fact I’m pretty sure many people wouldn’t try some of the things I’ve done. They’d be like, “Wait so you’ve tried *insert scandalous drug here* but you’ve never smoked a cigarette? Isn’t that kind of backwards?” I guess it is but there’s a reason behind my decision. Whether it makes a whole lot of sense is up for debate.
My mother has been a chain smoker for most of her life. Growing up, she would try to conceal the habit by smoking in her bathrobe in our backyard, but the smell was unmistakable. I always urged her to quit (dying a slow death in which it feels like you’re constantly drowning doesn’t seem too fun) but I’ve had no success. As a result, I’ve watched her go into crazy coughing fits and have trouble catching her breath, which have been enough to quell my curiosity.
Cigarettes don’t get you high. I mean, smokers have told me that there is a buzz but whatever it is, it sounds pretty weak. So basically if I smoked, I would spending a ton of money a year on some weak buzz that’s slowly killing me? As if! My number one rule with drugs is never do it every day. And while I’ve met some casual smokers—people who only smoke when inebriated or on some other drug—the majority have a daily habit. I’m not about to do ANYTHING harmful every day for an extended period of time, okay? My body gets enough abuse as is. There’s no need to dangle anything (that’s not a penis) from my lips 24/7. Speaking of penis though, I will NEVER seriously date a smoker. Yeah, I don’t mean to be That Guy, but smooching an ashtray is not my ultimate idea of sexytime. If I’ve never even smoked a cig before, can you blame me for being turned off by daily smokers?
There have been a few fleeting moments when I’ve considered doing it. Sometimes when I’m listening to something douchey like Edith Piaf in my apartment, I’ll stare at my window and wish I had something to exhale and flick ash from. If my desire was particularly strong though, I would just cave and roll a joint, which is a much more satisfying solution, in my opinion.
I’m not going to lie. A small part of the reason why I’ve abstained from cigarettes comes from being able to have the bragging rights. It just feels good to say no to something that everyone else had said yes to. You feel superior, which, in turn, makes you feel awesome. Ah, the secrets of life! But, in reality, not smoking is my way of rebelling against my mother’s poor life decision and not spending more money than I already do. We’re all going to die. I’d just rather not give someone thousands of dollars to slowly kill me.