Penises are great. Penises are crucial. I love me some penis. But sometimes they can be real bugaboos. I know vaginas are way worse because they bleed and have their own monologues but having a penis isn’t exactly a cakewalk either. They can work against you rather than with you in the following ways:
Involuntarily erections may seem like something that only happens to teenage boys but they never really go away, at least not for me anyway. I get them at random without being provoked, especially if I’m wearing shorts that have easy access to my junk. You accidentally graze your area and then before you know it, you’re turning yourself on. This is annoying for a variety of reasons, one being that you have no control over when it happens. You can be talking to your grandma and still feel one coming on. It’s sick! It’s like your penis is taunting you by saying, “Haha, I’m giving you a boner around your grandma!” God, penises can be such dicks sometimes.
You know what doesn’t mix with erections? Peeing. Try peeing when you get up in the morning (AKA the time when you need it the most), only to find out that you can’t because you have morning wood. You have to wait for it to chill out before you can even think about relieving yourself, which is so uncomfortable and time consuming. Also, what about that thing that sometimes happens when you’re hooking up with someone but can’t commit because you have to go pee? I hate that. You have to spoil the moment, wait for your thing to calm down, and then go pee. Depending on the situation, this could just be enough time for your partner to come to his senses and get out of dodge.
Let’s talk about the penis and the brain now, shall we? Much has been said about the relationship between the two and oh, what a confusing relationship it is! On one hand, they exist in opposite worlds, fighting each other’s desires and impulses to the very death. On the other, they’re inextricably linked and working as a team. If you can’t sync up your brain with your dick, you’re going to have trouble having an awesome sexual experience. One needs the other to achieve success. If your head isn’t in the game, you aren’t getting head. Your partner is going to be like, “You seem distracted…” which is code for “WHERE DID YOUR BONER GO? GO GET IT?” and give up on the idea of having sex altogether. Make sure this little guy is in tandem with this big guy. Otherwise, things are going to get real weird and shame spiral-y.
What else? They’re super sensitive creatures, both emotionally and physically. They can get hurt very easily. A kick to the nuts or a disparaging remark could send it into the depths of depression, and trust me when I tell you that you don’t want a depressed weener.
But other than that, I guess penises are cool. It’s weird having something on your body that turns you on so much. But can I say that just because I have a dick, doesn’t mean I know how to work yours? I mean, it’s certainly helpful but it doesn’t guarantee anything. Hell, I’m just beginning to understand mine and now I’m supposed to tackle a million others? Rude!