Why Having A “Male Member” Can Be So Annoying

Penises are great. Penises are crucial. I love me some penis. But sometimes they can be real bugaboos. I know vaginas are way worse because they bleed and have their own monologues but having a penis isn’t exactly a cakewalk either. They can work against you rather than with you in the following ways:

Involuntarily erections may seem like something that only happens to teenage boys but they never really go away, at least not for me anyway. I get them at random without being provoked, especially if I’m wearing shorts that have easy access to my junk. You accidentally graze your area and then before you know it, you’re turning yourself on. This is annoying for a variety of reasons, one being that you have no control over when it happens. You can be talking to your grandma and still feel one coming on. It’s sick! It’s like your penis is taunting you by saying, “Haha, I’m giving you a boner around your grandma!” God, penises can be such dicks sometimes.

You know what doesn’t mix with erections? Peeing. Try peeing when you get up in the morning (AKA the time when you need it the most), only to find out that you can’t because you have morning wood. You have to wait for it to chill out before you can even think about relieving yourself, which is so uncomfortable and time consuming. Also, what about that thing that sometimes happens when you’re hooking up with someone but can’t commit because you have to go pee? I hate that. You have to spoil the moment, wait for your thing to calm down, and then go pee. Depending on the situation, this could just be enough time for your partner to come to his senses and get out of dodge.

Let’s talk about the penis and the brain now, shall we? Much has been said about the relationship between the two and oh, what a confusing relationship it is! On one hand, they exist in opposite worlds, fighting each other’s desires and impulses to the very death. On the other, they’re inextricably linked and working as a team. If you can’t sync up your brain with your dick, you’re going to have trouble having an awesome sexual experience. One needs the other to achieve success. If your head isn’t in the game, you aren’t getting head. Your partner is going to be like, “You seem distracted…” which is code for “WHERE DID YOUR BONER GO? GO GET IT?” and give up on the idea of having sex altogether. Make sure this little guy is in tandem with this big guy. Otherwise, things are going to get real weird and shame spiral-y.

What else? They’re super sensitive creatures, both emotionally and physically. They can get hurt very easily. A kick to the nuts or a disparaging remark could send it into the depths of depression, and trust me when I tell you that you don’t want a depressed weener.

But other than that, I guess penises are cool. It’s weird having something on your body that turns you on so much. But can I say that just because I have a dick, doesn’t mean I know how to work yours? I mean, it’s certainly helpful but it doesn’t guarantee anything. Hell, I’m just beginning to understand mine and now I’m supposed to tackle a million others? Rude! TC mark

image – k3vin

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

Trace the scars life has left you. It will remind you that at one point, you fought for something. You believed.

“You are the only person who gets to decide if you are happy or not—do not put your happiness into the hands of other people. Do not make it contingent on their acceptance of you or their feelings for you. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if someone dislikes you or if someone doesn’t want to be with you. All that matters is that you are happy with the person you are becoming. All that matters is that you like yourself, that you are proud of what you are putting out into the world. You are in charge of your joy, of your worth. You get to be your own validation. Please don’t ever forget that.” — Bianca Sparacino

Excerpted from The Strength In Our Scars by Bianca Sparacino.

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More From Thought Catalog

  • mp90909

    I got a boner reading about getting a boner.

    • padface

      A+

  • http://twitter.com/patwitchia itnavon aicirtap

    /why-having-a-penis-can-be-so-annoying/

  • CC

    Like them on other people, glad I don’t have one. I actually think penises are way worse to have than vaginas. Vaginas are all nice and tucked away and you only have to see them when you want to see them. Penises are always so in your face. 

  • hrfe_LY

    I just find it hilarious that its just… dangling there. I have no ideas how boys aren’t constantly doubled over laughing because this thing is just swinging between their legs. Also sitting? Can you sit on your penis? And do you mean penises AND balls or just penises because also you have saggy lumps on your body- why haven’t you peed your pants from laughter yet? Just one of the many reasons I’m glad to be a lady.

    • Scottie

      Better than then the awful, awful beef curtains.

    • Nick

      Its pretty much impossible to sit on your own dick. You could if you were trying but it’s not going to happen accidentally.

    • G.

      You can sit on your balls/penis by accident. I’ve seen it happen. It’s hilarious.

  • David Moon

    The worst is having an involuntary erection at the end of one of your classes. Everyone starts to get up to leave, and you keep trying to find reasons to stay seated until the damn thing goes away. I’ll just spend the next 7 minutes slowly putting my pencil and binder back into my backpack. Acting like this is somehow not strange at all.

    • hrfe_ly

      It was my goal in high school to figure out at some point if someone in my class had a boner. You should know that its not that easy for girls to tell.

  • http://goldenday.tumblr.com Kia Etienne

    love the picture of the Oscar Mayer wiener truck.

  • Dicklover

    I don’t know, I think having a dick is pretty awesome. It’s practical for peeing, fun to have sex with, and frankly so much easier to handle than a vagina (in my limited experience). Morning wood is a bitch though.

    • Jeeem

      yo sic honkie…

  • Dicklover

    I don’t know, I think having a dick is pretty awesome. It’s practical for peeing, fun to have sex with, and frankly so much easier to handle than a vagina (in my limited experience). Morning wood is a bitch though.

  • Damenhandle

    uncut is the best

  • guest

    As a girl, I kinda wish I could get turned on by the accidental brush of my own hand. Involuntary boners are terrifying though.

  • Rebecca

    This was amusing. Also amusing: when guys question lady parts. Ex: “So, like, you legitimately can’t aim when you pee? Bummer…” and “Do you get turned on by inserting a tampon?”

  • jukie

    As Elaine Benes would say, “I don’t know how you guys walk around with those things'”.

  • Nick

    “If you can’t sync up your brain with your dick, you’re going to have trouble having an awesome sexual experience.”

    Couldn’t have said it better myself.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=508371039 Rayan Khayat

    “now I’m supposed to tackle a million others?” LOL no you’re not

  • http://twitter.com/spoustaj Josef

    This always made me laugh concerning peeing with an erection.

  • http://tbaugh.com Travis Baugh

    are there “female members”

  • Settler

    Don’t forget all the awkward penis adjustments you gotta do every now and then if it gets too far out o’ them boxers. There’s only so often you can brush your nether regions before it gets suspicious.

  • padface

    Tackle, lol.

  • Jeeem

    Yo, mofo…

    Ya bee wun selly mofo puttin’ sic ahse sheat lyke dat on dis syte.  Yo a sic ahse mofo an need ta sea a mofoin’ dacta. 

    So jus git yo hed otta yo ahse and go sea a dacta mofo. 

    Yo sic.

    fawkin honky mofo.

    • Dan

      someone’s been practicing

    • Dan

      someone’s been practicing

    • David Moon

      Quick, does anyone here speak jive?

  • Waicool

    stop whing and grow a vagina

    • Gwab

      i as well am also sick of all the whing on this site

  • http://twitter.com/AbeAxis Abe Lara

    Having a penis is like being the dominant one in an abusive relationship. You just end up beating the hell out of the other!

  • Bkaksnb

    Spontaneous erections are why Awkward Wrestling Boners are a thing. Hormonal teenage guys sweatily trying pin each other with their body weight? Google it.

  • guest

    I love this. I have had penis envy for, like, ever? This helps me get to know them better and stop glorifying them as much.

  • Waicool

    stop whining and grow a vagina

  • G-funk

    I liked thinking about your boner

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