What Your Netflix Movie Recommendations Say About You

Netflix can be such a rude boy sometimes, can’t it?  Those nights you spend watching movies with the lights off and your MacBook Pro burning into your thighs aren’t lost on the website. No, they pay attention to everything you do on the site so they can compile a list of movie recommendations that speak to your personality. It’s like the Big Brother for lonely cinephiles. Sometimes though you don’t want to hear what Netflix has to say because it’s too real. It’s enough for you to cancel your subscription and start becoming an active participant in life! Well, almost. Here’s what your Netflix genre recommendations say about you. Get ready to face the movie score and feel really bad about yourself. Teehee!

Quirky Romantic Movies Featuring A Strong Female Lead

This genre exists solely for single gay men. If this is popping up on your feed, you’ve  probably just finished watching some porn, put on some Oriental slippers and a robe, and are ready to cozy up with some Tilda Swinton in I Am Love, or maybe even if you’re feeling extra cheesy, you’re having a (500) Days Of Summer or Juno moment. These kinds of movies must be experienced with copious amounts of wine. By the end of the movie, you’ll be sobbing in the fetal position and screaming, “Why Can’t Meryl Streep be MY mom?!”

Steamy British Movies Featuring A Strong Female Lead

Not to be confused with the last sub-genre we discussed, Steamy British Movies Featuring A Strong Female Lead is something for the ladies. I don’t know what it is exactly but women love anything British. If you add the words “Period Piece” in front of it then you’ve  successfully found every ladies’ G-spot. Congrats! British accents, corsets, Colin Firth, war, and forbidden love are a single girl’s BFF. If this is popping up on your Netflix movie recommendations, chances are you need to leave your house and have lots and lots of sex with real life people.

Movies About Food

If you’re being recommended movies about food, that means you’re starving. Watching Julie & Julia is not a substitute for a meal. Turn off Netflix and feed yourself a sandwich.

Critically-acclaimed Dark Movies About Marriage

Isn’t every dark movie about marriage critically-acclaimed? If you ever want to win an Oscar, just set a depressing movie in suburbia and give it a Thomas Newman score. It works every time! If this sub-genre has popped up on your Netflix, you might be my mom and dad, which means you’ve been divorced and gone to too many Andrea Bocelli concerts to ease the pain. You’re most definitely older. Parents love movies about people in their age group. It makes them feel less invisible in our society. “Finally! A movie about someone over the age of 35!”

Heartfelt Fight-the-System Documentaries

If this is on your Netflix, you’re annoying and I hate you! JK. It just means you were one of the only activists at your college. You rallied against classism at your $30,000 a year university and dated someone named Moon for three hours. To get more people on your side, you advocated for more relatable causes, like adding gluten-free options to the cafeteria.

Suspenseful Foreign Movies With Gay Protagonists

Is this real? How many movies could really exist under this umbrella? Whatever. If this is in your Netflix, we’re probably soulmates. Do you wanna meet and date and fall in love? That way we can just delete our Netflix accounts and no longer be bombarded by unusually specific sub-genres that reveal #dark things about our personality? It’ll be fun, I promise! TC mark

image – Revolutionary Road

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

Trace the scars life has left you. It will remind you that at one point, you fought for something. You believed.

“You are the only person who gets to decide if you are happy or not—do not put your happiness into the hands of other people. Do not make it contingent on their acceptance of you or their feelings for you. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if someone dislikes you or if someone doesn’t want to be with you. All that matters is that you are happy with the person you are becoming. All that matters is that you like yourself, that you are proud of what you are putting out into the world. You are in charge of your joy, of your worth. You get to be your own validation. Please don’t ever forget that.” — Bianca Sparacino

Excerpted from The Strength In Our Scars by Bianca Sparacino.

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  • spinflux

    One of these days something on these TC lists will be true, or at least apply to me. Sigh.

    Also, I fucking hate period pieces more than centipedes in my vagina.

    • http://twitter.com/mung_beans Mung Beans

      Jane Austen is a boring motherfucker

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=508371039 Rayan Khayat

        you, are wrong

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=508371039 Rayan Khayat

        you, are wrong

      • http://twitter.com/mung_beans Mung Beans

        ok

      • Scottie

        Nobody is getting liked! I don’t know who to believe!

      • Scottie

        Nobody is getting liked! I don’t know who to believe!

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=508371039 Rayan Khayat

        you, are wrong

    • http://thefirstchurchofmutterhals.blogspot.com/ mutterhals

      Centipedes? In my vagina?

    • http://thefirstchurchofmutterhals.blogspot.com/ mutterhals

      Centipedes? In my vagina?

  • http://twitter.com/mung_beans Mung Beans

    I share an account with like five other people.  My recommendeds are all fucked up.  Imaginative Foreign Fantasy?  Classic Movies based on a book from the 1950s?  I don’t know what the fuck is going on.   I only watch SVU.   

  • http://twitter.com/mung_beans Mung Beans

    I share an account with like five other people.  My recommendeds are all fucked up.  Imaginative Foreign Fantasy?  Classic Movies based on a book from the 1950s?  I don’t know what the fuck is going on.   I only watch SVU.   

  • http://twitter.com/mung_beans Mung Beans

    I share an account with like five other people.  My recommendeds are all fucked up.  Imaginative Foreign Fantasy?  Classic Movies based on a book from the 1950s?  I don’t know what the fuck is going on.   I only watch SVU.   

  • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

    I fall into the last category. Which means we’re getting married, I guess. This could be weird – do we get our own sitcom out of this?

  • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

    I fall into the last category. Which means we’re getting married, I guess. This could be weird – do we get our own sitcom out of this?

  • Kaitlynn Peters

    For the last category: “La Dernier Jour” / “The Last Day”

    You and netflix are MEANT 2 B

  • Patrick

    Should be called what Ryan’s Recommended Categories Mean. I’ve never seen a single one of these before.

  • http://kylelamar.com/ Kyle LaMar

    #Dark is in basically all of my recommendations. Whoops.

    • http://kylelamar.com/ Kyle LaMar

      And British. I should just move to London and kill two birds with one stone.

  • http://twitter.com/no_cazador hunter ray

    I’ll be in NY in December, we can start preliminary wedding plans then. Fall wedding?

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=59600850 Asha Lee Maskiell Demarsh

    My boss suggest netflix add ‘cowboy action films with androgenous heros.’

  • Guies

    Last category: Plata Quemada. its intenso.

  • Guest

    Dark Italian Political Movies, anyone?

    • http://twitter.com/mung_beans Mung Beans

      Visually-striking Cerebral British Movies?  

  • Justin T

    I’m happy with being your soulmate

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