Ryan Gosling is shirtless right now because he’s allergic to things that want to cover his body. Whenever he goes shopping for clothes, he finds that, for some inexplicable reason, t-shirts remove themselves from his body and run away. “I’m sorry Ryan,” The t-shirt says. “But my boss (Mr. Head Of The Shirts Boss Man) says I’m not allowed to cover your body at any time.” It should also be noted that Mr. Head Of The Shirts Boss Man is a flaming homosexual and can usually be found at his vacation home in Key West, Florida, writing erotic Ryan Gosling fan fiction.
If he’s not shirtless, Ryan Gosling is probably at Oxford right now. When he discovered that James Franco had been accepted to Oxford—his 10th graduate school— to get a degree in Egyptology, Ryan got jealous and decided to also attend to see what the hype was about. The admissions process was super simple. Gosling submitted a grainy webcam shot of his penis and a letter of recommendation from his co-star Kirsten Dunst (“He’s really hot. Like really hot.”) and got an acceptance letter that same day from a dancing bear telegram. Right now, both Gosling and Franco are at student orientation, giving each other the evil eye. James is circling Ryan curiously, like a bird hunting its prey, and every time he walks past him, he coughs and a diploma falls out of his body. After one particularly “brutal” coughing fit, Franco manages to expel ten diplomas. After the orientation is over, Gosling gets the courage to approach Franco. Twenty minutes after introducing themselves, they’re drunk and fondling each other in someone’s dorm room.
If he’s not shirtless or at Oxford, Ryan Gosling is casting spells on the general public and critics during screenings of Drive. You see, Drive is a no-good, very terrible, rotten movie in which Gosling decides to look sexy in lieu of acting and speaking. The director of Drive was like, “Are you sure you don’t want to act in this one? I mean, I know you’re hot but I don’t know if this film can just be carried by your good looks and a cool jacket.” Gosling then started to laugh hysterically and responded with, “You obviously just don’t know how good-looking I actually am.” Lo and behold, Gosling was right. Drive was a success despite being an awful movie. But that’s partially because Gosling has his own witch doctor (named Paz De La Huerta) and she assisted in roofie-ing entire audiences, particularly ones at The Grove in West Hollywood, California.
If he’s not shirtless, at Oxford, or casting spells with Paz De La Huerta, he’s reading feminist literature to a woman named Aura on a bearskin rug. Phrases like “glass ceiling” and “patriarchy” are thrown around like a bunch of hungover lesbians in a classroom at Bard. Gosling leads the discussion with ultimate care and he discovers that, much to his delight, every time he says the words “I was reading Jezebel today”, his penis grows half an inch.
If he’s not being a shirtless feminist at Oxford who likes to cast spells, he’s most definitely breaking up a fight between two elderly women at a diner. Or breaking up a fight on The Real Housewives Of New Jersey. Or being the peacemaker between Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie. How could you fight anyone when you look into his eyes and realize how much beauty there is in the world? Remember that scene in American Beauty with the paper bag being thrown about in the wind? Well, it should’ve just been Ryan Gosling. Screw the paper bag. What if it was just a grown-ass man named Ryan Gosling who was floating close to the ground captured on videotape? Yeah.