Thought Catalog

What Ryan Gosling Is Probably Doing Right Now

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Ryan Gosling is shirtless right now because he’s allergic to things that want to cover his body. Whenever he goes shopping for clothes, he finds that, for some inexplicable reason, t-shirts remove themselves from his body and run away. “I’m sorry Ryan,” The t-shirt says. “But my boss (Mr. Head Of The Shirts Boss Man) says I’m not allowed to cover your body at any time.” It should also be noted that Mr. Head Of The Shirts Boss Man is a flaming homosexual and can usually be found at his vacation home in Key West, Florida, writing erotic Ryan Gosling fan fiction.

If he’s not shirtless, Ryan Gosling is probably at Oxford right now. When he discovered that James Franco had been accepted to Oxford—his 10th graduate school— to get a degree in Egyptology, Ryan got jealous and decided to also attend to see what the hype was about. The admissions process was super simple. Gosling submitted a grainy webcam shot of his penis and a letter of recommendation from his co-star Kirsten Dunst (“He’s really hot. Like really hot.”) and got an acceptance letter that same day from a dancing bear telegram. Right now, both Gosling and Franco are at student orientation, giving each other the evil eye. James is circling Ryan curiously, like a bird hunting its prey, and every time he walks past him, he coughs and a diploma falls out of his body. After one particularly “brutal” coughing fit, Franco manages to expel ten diplomas. After the orientation is over, Gosling gets the courage to approach Franco. Twenty minutes after introducing themselves, they’re drunk and fondling each other in someone’s dorm room.

If he’s not shirtless or at Oxford, Ryan Gosling is casting spells on the general public and critics during screenings of Drive. You see, Drive is a no-good, very terrible, rotten movie in which Gosling decides to look sexy in lieu of acting and speaking. The director of Drive was like, “Are you sure you don’t want to act in this one? I mean, I know you’re hot but I don’t know if this film can just be carried by your good looks and a cool jacket.” Gosling then started to laugh hysterically and responded with, “You obviously just don’t know how good-looking I actually am.” Lo and behold, Gosling was right. Drive was a success despite being an awful movie. But that’s partially because Gosling has his own witch doctor (named Paz De La Huerta) and she assisted in roofie-ing entire audiences, particularly ones at The Grove in West Hollywood, California.

If he’s not shirtless, at Oxford, or casting spells with Paz De La Huerta, he’s reading feminist literature to a woman named Aura on a bearskin rug. Phrases like “glass ceiling” and “patriarchy” are thrown around like a bunch of hungover lesbians in a classroom at Bard. Gosling leads the discussion with ultimate care and he discovers that, much to his delight, every time he says the words “I was reading Jezebel today”, his penis grows half an inch.

If he’s not being a shirtless feminist at Oxford who likes to cast spells, he’s most definitely breaking up a fight between two elderly women at a diner. Or breaking up a fight on The Real Housewives Of New Jersey. Or being the peacemaker between Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie. How could you fight anyone when you look into his eyes and realize how much beauty there is in the world? Remember that scene in American Beauty with the paper bag being thrown about in the wind? Well, it should’ve just been Ryan Gosling. Screw the paper bag. What if it was just a grown-ass man named Ryan Gosling who was floating close to the ground captured on videotape? Yeah. TC mark

image – Wikipedia

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    • Sammy G

      I’ll be honest. I don’t get this worldwide crush on Ryan Gosling. Sure, he’s got a nice body, but I just don’t get it. Take away my gay card, I guess. :/

      • Haha

        For me, I could care less about his body. He’s a talented actor and gives great performances. This is what makes him hot.

    • http://twitter.com/randi_beers randi beers

      Ryan Gosling is probably eating a sandwich right now because he’s a human being and human beings like sandwiches.

      • Len Yeh

        I don’t like sammiches.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=612928768 Samie Rose

      The TC editorial process is appalling, no matter how much I love Gosling.

    • Erin

      It was a plastic bag, actually…haha.

    • Joy

      This was weird but totally hilarious.

    • lianne

      just a heads up that your advertising is going a bit insane.  I get that you need to make money off this website and all that jazz, but seriously, you’re one step away from having pop ups that say “You’re the 1 MILLIONTH visitor to Thought Catalog!  Click HERE to get your prize!”

      dudes. chill the fuck out.  it is so annoying.

    • http://www.facebook.com/t.jason.ham Jason Ham

      L-O-L

      This article is awkward to read given my profile pic :X

    • Mashka

      I am so annoyed with Ryan Gosling. This obsession needs to end. Sorry. 

    • Anonymous

      God, I love you.

    • Reesek

      Come on…Land Rover? really?  the ad on the homepage is obnoxious,  just like this article

      • sup_merde_tete

        Hey, we all gotta pay our bills.. I think the biggest problem with the ad is how fundamentally Land Rover has misunderstood the overeducated/underpaid TC demographic.

    • Alasdair

      I don’t get it. Why the heck is half the Internet so obsessed with Ryan Gosling? He’s just some pretty guy, and they’re a dime a dozen in Hollywood. It’s making me feel like there’s some big joke here I’m not getting.

      • Fuqdaclubs

        he’s incredibly talented

      • Ryan G.

         Maybe it’s not so much a joke that you’re not getting as it is that you’re just not intelligent enough to actually know and or appreciate a talent for great acting.  There’s always that aspect to ponder …….

    • http://goldenday.tumblr.com Kia Etienne

      “he discovers that, much to his delight, every time he says the words “I was reading Jezebel today”, his penis grows half an inch.” HAHAHAHA

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=10036647 Aimee Vondrak

      I love Ryan Gosling, and I thought Drive was a terrific movie. Aside from that, I didn’t really like this article. Ryan, I don’t know what’s gotten into you buddy but your articles have for sure been lacking lately. Sads :(

    • http://twitter.com/tannnyaya Tanya Salyers

      This is probably the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time.  Thank you, Ryan O’Connell. 

      Also, Drive sucked, the only thing I got out of it is that Ryan Gosling is so so sexy.

    • Emily

      This was great. 

    • http://twitter.com/melvinismad Melvin Alvarez

      You should marry Ryan Gosling so that you’ll turn into Ryan Gosling. The world will become a better place.

    • HappyRabbit

      Don’t find Ryan Gosling attractive or to be a descent actor, but this was hilarious. Witty, creative and generally delightful. 

      • http://twitter.com/AliPants Allison

        Is a ‘descent actor’ one who’s really good at that miming walking down the stairs trick?

    • Nuj

      Hahaha totally entertaining piece of sh*t and btw Drive was ridiculously slow and James Franco will kick Ryan Gosling’s ass at Oxford.

    • http://twitter.com/#!/csweda christian sweda

      i’m glad i’m not the only one who realizes Paz de la Huerta is some sort of witch/alien creature.

    • Anonymous
    • http://www.facebook.com/joshua.pasternak Josh Pasternak

      It’s a plastic bag in American Beauty, not a paper bag. No wonder you’re not wooed by Ryan Gosling. You’re freaking blind.

    • Anonymous

      Ryan, you really make me laugh. You should add joseph gordon-levitt to the james franco pretentious equation tho :)

    • sab

      i love ryan gosling… but this was HILLARIOUS :)

    • dunk your bagel

      he definitely carried Drive with his good looks. so funny we made a spoof on him and his gnarly scorpion jacket: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jbfujpwgg0Q – check it out!

    • askjdha

      Thought this article was okay, except for the Drive part. For anyone who thought the acting in that movie wasn’t phenominal is ridiculous. While you were watching that movie, you could tell and feel what they were feeling without them saying what they were feeling. The directing was amazing also. It was different then other movies, and only with a lack of imagination could you truly believe that that movie had no substance.

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