Me: Hey. You want to sleep with me, right?
Person I’m About To Sleep With: Yeah, I think I do.
Me: Oh good. I mean, I thought so. I was getting that vibe but you never know. I’ve been wrong before.
Person I’m About To Sleep With: Yeah, I definitely want to have intercourse with you. I look at your face/body and think to myself, “I will sleep with that. I want to see that naked.”
Me: OMG, you’re making me blush. Okay, well before we do that, shouldn’t we talk a little beforehand? Like isn’t there some stuff you would like to know before we hook up?
Person I’m About To Sleep With: Like what?
Me: Well, when I was five, my dad used to hit me…JK! Oh my god, can you imagine if I just pulled that on you?!!
Person I’m About To Sleep With: People do that though. All the time!
Me: I know! I’m not that kind of girl. We don’t talk about abuse until at least the third sexual encounter. WHO DO YOU THINK I AM?
Person I’m About To Sleep With: Totally. Can I have sex with you now?
Me: Hold your horses, buddy. I gotta tell you some stuff before we get down to business.
Person I’m About To Sleep With: Okay. Shoot.
Me: You’re about to do crazy intimate things to my body. I thought you would like to know that having sex with you will put me in a good mood for a few days, regardless of whether or not it was actually good. You should also know that I’ll wonder if you could be my boyfriend. Don’t be scared! I’m pretty sure this is normal. Your mind plays tricks on you at first. You think for a glimmer of a moment that you could love this person who was inside of you the week before. I’ll hang out with you a few times after to see if I like you with your clothes on. Chances are I won’t and I’ll push you away, or you’ll push me away, and that will be the end of that. You’ll fade away, I’ll fade away, see you never. (This is what being a grown up is all about, I’m convinced. Being intimate with someone in the most shallow of ways and learning to be okay with it.) I will play some soft fuzzy music when we kiss and lie on my back and lie my stomach and wonder when it’ll all be over or wish it would never end. I feel things more than the average person so you’ll have some sort of significance the second you kiss me. I won’t forget you even if I barely remember you. Sounds like a blast, right? I’m learning how to make things not matter as much though. Come over and teach me. I think I’m ready now. I think you know everything you’re supposed to know.
Person I’m About To Know: If you think all of this is going to scare me away, I have one thing to say to you.
Me: What’s that?
Person I’m About To Sleep With: Get naked.
I wish that was the response…