The Ten Commandments For Facebook Users

  1. Thou shalt never delete thy Facebook, only to reactivate it a few days later. It will make you look like a full-blown addict, which we all are, but you should never kid yourself into thinking otherwise. Either go to rehab for your addiction and quit cold turkey or continue to stroke Facebook’s enormous penis with a meek smile.
  2. Thou shalt never add thy mother on Facebook. Not only will your wall be dirtied up with posts like, “CaLl MOM”, you run the risk of thy mother finding out that you got wasted last night and took home a hot dog vendor. Not chic.
  3. Thou shalt never post pictures of thy food. I don’t care if you’re eating truffle macaroni and cheese with pork tenderloin and fries with garlic aioli. Chances are I’m starving and craving top ramen right now so you can take your white trash cum bougie meal and shove it!
  4. Thou shalt never utter the words, “Like Mah Status”, unless it’s to contribute to a meme’s sudden popularity.
  5. Thou shalt never send thy ex a Facebook message at two in the morning when intoxicated. It will probably go something like this: “hi it’s two am and yes i’m drunk and I DON’T CARE. i miss you sometimes and it sucks and YOU SUCK and NO, I am not just sayying thi cuuz i’m drunk. my feelings are real unlike yours you emotionally closed off robot. ps: nice pics with the new Special Someone. Would they go down on you in a theatre?” The next morning, you’ll undoubtedly awaken with a brutal headache and a pit of dread in your stomach. Did that really happen last night? Did you REALLY send that message? Oh, you did. Darn.
  6. Thou shalt not publicize thy relationship on Facebook. It cheapens everything and will make the inevitable break up that much worse. If you’re telling everyone how in love you are, then they’ll also be the first people to notice when things go awry. Break ups are hard enough to endure without the girl you sort of knew in high school commenting, “feel better!” when your status goes from “In a relationship” to “single.”
  7. Thou shalt never post thinly-veiled status updates attacking someone on Facebook, unless you want everyone on your friends list to judge and make fun of you. “Seems like you can’t trust anyone these days. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.”
  8. Thou shalt never play FarmVille or ask others to join you in playing.
  9. Thou shalt always lurk unfortunate people from thy high school. The activity brings people such joy. May they hopefully never delete their Facebook and continue to bring me much entertainment via their poor life decisions.
  10. Lastly, thou shalt continue to be a psycho stalker and know way too much information about near strangers. It’s our generation’s inheritance. LET’S SPEND IT. TC mark

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

Trace the scars life has left you. It will remind you that at one point, you fought for something. You believed.

“You are the only person who gets to decide if you are happy or not—do not put your happiness into the hands of other people. Do not make it contingent on their acceptance of you or their feelings for you. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if someone dislikes you or if someone doesn’t want to be with you. All that matters is that you are happy with the person you are becoming. All that matters is that you like yourself, that you are proud of what you are putting out into the world. You are in charge of your joy, of your worth. You get to be your own validation. Please don’t ever forget that.” — Bianca Sparacino

Excerpted from The Strength In Our Scars by Bianca Sparacino.

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More From Thought Catalog

  • Anonymous

    all true

  • http://www.facebook.com/jessi.smith1 Jessi Smith

    The “I spend a lot of time thinking about…” section on my OkCupid profile lists “…my next status update on Facebook.”

    This is truth.

  • Anonymous

    Number 9 is the realest shit. ever.

  • http://twitter.com/mung_beans Mung Beans

    everyone in the world stop inviting me to play sims social omg

  • http://twitter.com/mung_beans Mung Beans

    everyone in the world stop inviting me to play sims social omg

  • donteatdontsleep

    what’s wrong with posting pictures of food?

    • Jacqueline2194

      It’s annoying as all hell, especially when it’s of something they made themselves. My sister does that all the time.  Like once a week she’ll post a new picture of, like, some special kind of waffles she made that have bacon in them..ughh

  • Guest

    Ryan, you are 100% American Beef. You’re so American that you will never realise this cryptic comment.

  • http://twitter.com/kaimcn Kai

    I would like #2 to include “thou shalt not add your stepfather”. When I call home, my mom asks (or worse, hints at) things that I know she knows because my stepdad saw it on Facebook and felt the need to bring it up.

  • ohdear

    I made the mistake of accepting my mom’s and aunt’s friend requests and IT’S THE WORST. They like everything I put up. Every picture, every status, everything. They even like each comment in conversations with friends. If my status is even somewhat funny, my aunt will say something like, “Whenever I’m having a rough morning you cheer me up. Smile.” Which seems to be every morning. Depressing. If I ever quote a movie or book or something in pop culture, they will like the status and say something along the lines of, “I don’t get what this means, but I sure like it!” I feel like a jerk for being annoyed or even amused at how bad they are at Facebook. IT’S THE WORST.

    • meg

      I’m so glad my parents are computer illiterate.

    • meg

      I’m so glad my parents are computer illiterate.

    • meg

      I’m so glad my parents are computer illiterate.

      • ohdear

        My dad is, which is great, except for the time he woke me from a deep nap. “How the hell do I get out of this,” he shouted, while pointing at the Word Doc. He had accidentally highlighted some text. He didn’t know how to click out. 

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Sanyukta-Banerjie/1127023186 Sanyukta Banerjie

        so cute! Dads!!! :) :)

      • ohdear

        My dad is, which is great, except for the time he woke me from a deep nap. “How the hell do I get out of this,” he shouted, while pointing at the Word Doc. He had accidentally highlighted some text. He didn’t know how to click out. 

    • meg

      I’m so glad my parents are computer illiterate.

    • meg

      I’m so glad my parents are computer illiterate.

    • meg

      I’m so glad my parents are computer illiterate.

    • meg

      I’m so glad my parents are computer illiterate.

    • meg

      I’m so glad my parents are computer illiterate.

    • meg

      I’m so glad my parents are computer illiterate.

    • meg

      I’m so glad my parents are computer illiterate.

    • Ali

      Do what I did and customize it so that certain family members can’t see my posts, yet remain my “friend.” They just probably think I don’t post very often anymore.

  • ohdear

    I made the mistake of accepting my mom’s and aunt’s friend requests and IT’S THE WORST. They like everything I put up. Every picture, every status, everything. They even like each comment in conversations with friends. If my status is even somewhat funny, my aunt will say something like, “Whenever I’m having a rough morning you cheer me up. Smile.” Which seems to be every morning. Depressing. If I ever quote a movie or book or something in pop culture, they will like the status and say something along the lines of, “I don’t get what this means, but I sure like it!” I feel like a jerk for being annoyed or even amused at how bad they are at Facebook. IT’S THE WORST.

  • http://twitter.com/palespectre flipside of a memory

    Number 10 will make you seem like the dude on takethislollipop.com

  • Jblond

    Seamless alanis morsette reference in #5. Nice, dude.

    • Daniel W

      damn, you beat me to the punch

  • Charlie.

    My mum posts and comments on my walls AND I SURE DO HOPE PEOPLE KNOW IT’S JUST MY MUM. She could have kept our Facebook conversations in our good old language but noooo, she learned and mastered English and decided that it was cool to embarrass her child in English.

    Also, number nine. So much.

  • Alice

    now only if someone will make something like this for Twitter

  • Katy

    Oh god, #10. On the other hand, it’s made me seriously consider a career as a private investigator. Especially when I somehow find Cute-Guy-From-Lecture in less than three minutes, with just his first name.

    (I’m not a psycho stalker, I’m normal, I swear!)

    • Michelle

      It’s okay, I’ve considered a career as a PI due to my superior creeping skills.

  • Anonymous
  • Anonymous
  • Anonymous

    Stalking people from my high school is like a career for me. People are always like, “How do you still know so much about the people who were a grade below us?” “Um, because they post incredibly glamorous pictures of themselves going to the Sorbonne for college or modeling in Milan where their idea of vacation is going to St. Tropez to dance on table tops and get a fantastic tan.”

    • http://saltwatercoffee.wordpress.com/ Sara K

      wow did we go to school in Dubai together?

  • http://twitter.com/tannnyaya Tanya Salyers

    #5 #5 #5 

    I am so guilty.

  • http://twitter.com/dianasalier diana salier

    you had me at #6.  this ties in perfect with the married statuses.

  • g.

    When you stalk, be careful.

    Story time:In one of my college lectures, my friend and I sat behind a girl (whom we did NOT know personally) who had her laptop open to Facebook. He poked me and pointed, laughing at the fact she was on Facebook. I then started laughing and poked him back to bring his attention to the fact that she was stalking HIS Facebook. He was really freaked out. We both sat there (him, uncomfortably; me, amused) and watched her look through all his pictures and read his wall posts… Eventually, I felt bad for my silent & shocked friend, and made some coughing noise. The stranger underclassmen girl turned around, saw my friend, and immediately turned away and clicked another link.

  • spinflux

    “White trash cum bougie”! I love this.

  • guest

    fuck this

  • http://twitter.com/PopularFacebook Popular Facebook

    Agree with all of those except number 9 & 10 – I don’t think there’s any benefit in adhering to those.

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