The Ten Commandments For Facebook Users

  1. Thou shalt never delete thy Facebook, only to reactivate it a few days later. It will make you look like a full-blown addict, which we all are, but you should never kid yourself into thinking otherwise. Either go to rehab for your addiction and quit cold turkey or continue to stroke Facebook’s enormous penis with a meek smile.
  2. Thou shalt never add thy mother on Facebook. Not only will your wall be dirtied up with posts like, “CaLl MOM”, you run the risk of thy mother finding out that you got wasted last night and took home a hot dog vendor. Not chic.
  3. Thou shalt never post pictures of thy food. I don’t care if you’re eating truffle macaroni and cheese with pork tenderloin and fries with garlic aioli. Chances are I’m starving and craving top ramen right now so you can take your white trash cum bougie meal and shove it!
  4. Thou shalt never utter the words, “Like Mah Status”, unless it’s to contribute to a meme’s sudden popularity.
  5. Thou shalt never send thy ex a Facebook message at two in the morning when intoxicated. It will probably go something like this: “hi it’s two am and yes i’m drunk and I DON’T CARE. i miss you sometimes and it sucks and YOU SUCK and NO, I am not just sayying thi cuuz i’m drunk. my feelings are real unlike yours you emotionally closed off robot. ps: nice pics with the new Special Someone. Would they go down on you in a theatre?” The next morning, you’ll undoubtedly awaken with a brutal headache and a pit of dread in your stomach. Did that really happen last night? Did you REALLY send that message? Oh, you did. Darn.
  6. Thou shalt not publicize thy relationship on Facebook. It cheapens everything and will make the inevitable break up that much worse. If you’re telling everyone how in love you are, then they’ll also be the first people to notice when things go awry. Break ups are hard enough to endure without the girl you sort of knew in high school commenting, “feel better!” when your status goes from “In a relationship” to “single.”
  7. Thou shalt never post thinly-veiled status updates attacking someone on Facebook, unless you want everyone on your friends list to judge and make fun of you. “Seems like you can’t trust anyone these days. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.”
  8. Thou shalt never play FarmVille or ask others to join you in playing.
  9. Thou shalt always lurk unfortunate people from thy high school. The activity brings people such joy. May they hopefully never delete their Facebook and continue to bring me much entertainment via their poor life decisions.
  10. Lastly, thou shalt continue to be a psycho stalker and know way too much information about near strangers. It’s our generation’s inheritance. LET’S SPEND IT. TC mark

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

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