Thought Catalog

Stuff You Say When You’re Stoned

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“Can you tell that I’m stoned? No, I’m serious. Look at me. Are my eyes red? Do I need eye drops? I’m acting weird, aren’t I? They’re going to know. I’m so clearly stoned right now. I can’t go out there. I’m going to just stay here for a second and wait till I feel less stoned. Sitting down now.”

“I’m sorry. I’ll stop laughing. No, I know this is a really serious story. I’m listening. Okay, I’m ready. Tell me. Oh god, I’m laughing again. Make it stop! I seriously can’t help it. I feel terrible. I’m not actually finding it humorous that you’re breaking up with your boyfriend. I feel so sad for you! {BURSTS OUT LAUGHING AGAIN)”

“You’re so pretty. I mean, I’ve always thought you were pretty but I’m like REALLY looking at you now and, oh my god, you’re so beautiful. What ethnicity are you? Oh, just white? Really? You look so….Egyptian though.”

“Hi, I’d like an order of chicken fingers and mashed potatoes please. What’s my address? Um…..sorry…I forgot. Hold on. {ASKS STONED FRIEND WHO IS LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY) Shut up! Where the hell do I live?! Oh, right. I live at 242 Fairview Court. Great. How long? 20 minutes? Yay! Have a very special day…”

“Can we watch Family Guy right now? I only think it’s funny when I’m stoned. You don’t have the DVD’s anymore? Wow. I’m, like, really depressed by that news for some reason. Okay, well, you wanna just watch episodes of Rich Girls on YouTube then?”

“Where’s my cell phone? I seriously can’t find it. No, this isn’t funny, you guys. Can someone call it? Is it under my bed? Stop making fun of me! I’m not even that stoned so shut up!”

“I’m so high right now. Are you? Wanna smoke another bowl?”

“Mom, I’m not high. No, I swear!”

“Are you freaking out right now? I’m freaking out right now. I want nothing more than to not be stoned right now. Please. Just make it stop.”

“I know this is going to sound really cliche but do you ever think about what happens after you die?”

“Is that car following us? I think it’s following us. Quick. Let’s get off at the next exit!”

“I hate smoking weed. Why did I even do this? Ugh.” TC mark

image – mason bryant
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  • flipside of a memory

    I think the silliest thing I said or asked was if I still had legs, because I couldn’t feel if I still had em.

    • ANG

      every. single. time.

  • Mia

    Have a very special day

  • Rayan Khayat


    freaking out while driving down a hill after eating a whole brownie

    • Kirstie

      i’ve been reading TC for months and have never felt the need to comment on anything until now. i laughed so loud at this comment… i’m sitting in a library by myself

  • Myemail

    “Did you hear that? No, omg, did you hear that? I think we should watch TV in the kitchen, where we’re safe.”

  • Georgia Perry

    last night I said this: “That guy is so tall! The girl he’s talking to is short but she can wear heels…he can’t wear shrinkers.”

  • Laura

    Internal thoughts: “Holy shit they’re all staring at me. Do I look weird? Is my nose running? My mouth is so fucking dry, are my lips chapped? I need to put on chapstick but I don’t want to move. Fuck. They hate me. I’m so weird. Do I sound retarded when I talk? Am I making any sense?! DO I ever?!!”

    • Mung Beans

      ‘I am so aware of the roof of my mouth right now’

  • NoSexCity

    Never in my life (well, adult life) have I said that last line. Otherwise, totally on point.

  • Anonymous

    Would never smoke with anybody who says any of this

  • nicknack

    “Wasabi sauce mixed with honey mustard. Write this shit down. We’re gonna make millions.”

    • lys

      isn’t wasabi like a mustard? that’s actually a pretty solid idea.

  • Ben

    Let’s make some nachos

  • coco

    haha honestly the only people who say this stuff are people who want so hard to be so high that it’s completely a psychological high and not even the weed anymore. 

  • Dmatio mcshane

    Im higj now & I cant feel my ass. I see dead people man, giggety¡!!!

  • Dmatio mcshane

    Im higj now & I cant feel my he smells like fred flintstones ass. (hey! No ones askin u to smell it!!!). I see dead people man, giggety¡!!!

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