Thought Catalog

Stuff I Learned From Pop Culture About Being Gay

  • 0

1. Coming out of the closet will be a tortuous process. In fact it will probably have to be divided into two episodes! Rumors will swirl around about my sexual orientation at school and people will be whispering things in the hallway. It’ll be the loud kind of whispers too, stuff I’m clearly meant to hear. I’ll feel like a social pariah and spend my days crying in the bathroom and walking around desolate football fields. OMG, maybe I’ll be a jock and it will be completely unexpected that I like men. Because, you know, I’m masculine and gay men are supposed to behave like girls, right? Talk about a plot twist!

2. All gay men are attractive. It’s like the law or something. If a boy is brooding and gorgeous, chances are he’s harboring a secret that he likes to suck D. Homosexuality doesn’t infect the average-looking folk, only the people who are stunning and could be on TV. It’s actually kind of similar to being a kidnapping victim!

3. My sex life can be one of two things. I’ll either sleep around a lot and mention it incessantly—the men will never be seen but I’ll be there to constantly remind you that it’s happening—or I could be completely celibate and alone. Whoa, both sound like super fun options! Which gay guy do I want to be: Jack McFarland from Will & Grace or Jack McPhee from Dawson’s Creek? Decisions, decisions…

4. Gay men are super cultured and know a lot about food, wine , fashion, art and decor. Straight men, meanwhile, are sad globs of hopelessness with their stained shirts and plebian attitudes. If only there were a way to help out these poor heteros! Gay men should take them under their bedazzled wing and become a fairy godmother of sorts. They could impart their wisdom one fine wine pairing at a time. And don’t even get me started on the makeovers….

5. If you’re gay, that’s all you’ll ever be. There’s no room for another identity because it’s a full-time job, honey! I’ll be like the character Kurt from Glee—always sobbing about something pertaining to my sexuality. And yet I’m so happy to be gay! Oh wait, no, being gay is sad again. Okay, now it’s fun because I’m singing! Nope, back to being miserable. Darn!

6. Being gay and FABULOUS means saying rude things to strangers and asserting your superiority by clutching a cocktail! “Excuse me? Was my fabulousness already not conveyed by my chic suit, tan skin, and mixed drink? Allow me to scowl at you once more to get the point across!”

7. A gay man’s life goes something like this: Sad Face, Frowny Face, Drunk Face, Sassy Face, Drama Face, Angry Face, Crying Face, Slutty Face, and Finally Fabulous Face.

8. My best friend will be a girl who’s secretly in love with me because she can’t get a boyfriend of her own. Yay!

9. It gets better if you’re sexy. TC mark

image – Will & Grace
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  • http://profiles.google.com/courtneypickard Courtney Pickard

    Surprise!  Television overtly simplifies things! Who would have thought? 

    • Guy

      I would say it simplifies things more covertly.

  • http://mrianmbelcurry.tumblr.com/ Mr. Ian M. Belcurry

    this is funny and well done!

  • http://www.danladds.com Dan Ladds

    Well, I think pop-culture presents this caricature because real life gay people are boring.  I mean, not particularly boring, but they’re just as boring as straight people.  They’re not all these pracing queers with handbags full of rainbows – they’re just regular guys who happen to be attracted to men instead of women.  It’s actually not that big a deal.  Just move along, nothing to see.

    • BBBB

      I disagree, gay men are MUCH more interesting than straight men.

  • blkred

    “It gets better if your sexy.”

    Unfortunately , and perhaps depressingly true.

  • http://twitter.com/mung_beans Mung Beans

    awww, it was so horrible of Jack’s teacher to make him read his poem about loving dick or whatever aloud on DC

  • Keltydennis

    I hate that this setreotype is so perpetuated that I have heard girls on MULTIPLE occasions say “Oh, I want a gay best friend!” The other day when i heard “I love gay guys!”  I actually turned around and said “Really? ALL gay guys?! Thats incredible since I know some gay guys who are total assholes.” The stereotype that all gay guys are fun flirty and fabulous irritates me almost as much as the more negative ones. Gay people are still just people its not like they have to take on this single personality type in order to like other dudes.

    • Guy

      True that.

    • G-funk

      When I came out to my cousin, one of the first things she told me was, “yay I have a new gay best friend!!!” “you do realize that you had one before and didn’t know it. I’m still the same person, except now I will obviously check out the same guy you are.” 

  • guest

    Guess I’m Jack McPhee.  Jack McFarland was dumb as a rock anyway.

    /jealousy

  • jkhathorn

    Patton Oswalt really wanted to play a gay sidekick that would finally buck this trend

  • Guest

    I love you Ryan O’Connell, you make me chuckle at least once a day with your all too true writing. Keep doing what you’re doing, it’s great.

  • Anonymous

    1shops2.com

  • M+M

    No. 9 has made me fall deeper into this unhealthy Internet love that I have for you, Ryan. It’s making me picture what our gaybies will look like.

  • M+M

    No. 9 has made me fall deeper into this unhealthy Internet love that I have for you, Ryan. It’s making me picture what our gaybies will look like.

  • Anonymous
  • Guest

    1. “Coming out of the closet will be a torturous process.”

    Ok, but Ryan, just because your coming out process was as easy as an overly lubed D slipping into a whore doesn’t mean that the above isn’t true for most gay people. Sure, I’m all for nuanced experiences being depicted on TV, but you should be reminded (and continually so, if you’ve developed a delusional snark about it) that your experience was unique and that it’s not inaccurate to say that nearly all gay men find coming out to be torturous, at least in regards to the inner turmoil prior to it, regardless of the outcome.

  • G-funk

    “9. It gets better if you’re sexy.”

    LMAO! yeah you never see an average guy on youtube saying “it get’s betters”

  • rraz

    #8 is actually pretty true

  • Sean

    Can you write about anything other than New York, being gay, or being gay in New York?

    • http://twitter.com/scottneyspears Scott

      NO. im gay and want to live in new york after i graduate. he gives me hope.

  • http://www.noahtourjee.com Noah Tourjee

    Overgeneralized assertions of homosexual behavior are dangerous, patronizing, devices employed by society to categorize something it can not condone. We are horrified of breaking gender norms. However, what is worse than this oppressive and violent misrepresentation is the backlash from the gay community who says “this isn’t us, we’re just like you”. The fact is Of Course many homosexuals fit in well with society, if they live a lifestyle which is generally flush with the gender they are perceived to be. Congratulations if you are a super normal gay dude who “just happens to like dudes”. I suggest it is a further atrocity to be embraced by the mainstream under this assertion that we homosexuals are Just Like Everyone Else. Because guess what? Maybe there is an inherent flaw in the entire system of gender roles. While the sex is important, I suggest that we have a much bigger problem with whether a man acts like a “man” than their sexual preference. Of course part of being a man is socially defined as fucking women. I just wish we could stop trying to make a place for ourselves amongst a crippled & sick society who may begrudgingly accept us as a tolerable alternative lifestyle which still aims to reaffirm a twisted value system.

  • http://twitter.com/scottneyspears Scott

    “2. All gay men are attractive. It’s like the law or something. If a boy is brooding and gorgeous, chances are he’s harboring a secret that he likes to suck D. Homosexuality doesn’t infect the average-looking folk, only the people who are stunning and could be on TV. It’s actually kind of similar to being a kidnapping victim!”hahahah honestly, most gay people are FUGLY. the media portrays gays as always being really attractive. that’s not the case

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