Thought Catalog

I Want To Sleep With Every Single Person In The World

  • 0

Just kidding! I actually don’t. That sounds exhausting and scary and, geez, think of the STD’s. But lately, I have been in the state of mind where everyone is looking good to me. The other day I passed a disgusting homeless crust punk on St. Mark’s and genuinely thought to myself, “After a nice shower at my house, he would be looking pretty good. Should I be like Mother Theresa and invite him back?” But then I was like, “No, Ryan. Mother Theresa didn’t have sex with homeless people after she helped them out.”

This happens to me every so often, usually while experiencing some kind of dry spell. I become a TOTAL creeper who checks everyone out—vegetable, animal, or mineral—because I’m just sooooo down . If I had an iPhone and wasn’t so terrified of casual, meaningless copulation with strangers, I would be up on Grindr like nobody’s business. One of my good friends is on that site and I am blown away by the number of attractive people on there who just straight up message you and are like, “Hiiii. What’s up? I’m 800 feet away from you. Wanna be 0 feet away?” Dear god. The mere thought of it excites and terrifies me.

When you feel this way, when you feel like you could have sex with everyone you pass on the street, it feels like you have a tumor growing in your stomach. It just builds and builds, growing at a rapid rate, and it starts to suffocate you until you finally can’t take it anymore and have to commit shame sex. Shame sex occurs when you’re not in your right mind. This could be for a variety of reasons such as, you’re wasted, stoned, depressed, totally horny, or all of the above. The altered mind state has put you in a sexual fugue and compromised your good judgement. You’re in a haze and don’t even remember the particulars. You come to when it’s over though and despite feeling pangs of regret, the tumor has been removed from your body and you are free to go on with your life as a person with standards.

I hate feeling like this, powerless to my libido. It makes me feel like such an animal. Who I am doesn’t figure into the equation at all. I am just a creature who was brought to this planet to create life. Haha, suckers! The gays got you good on that one!

Until I snap out of this fugue, I will continue to be attracted to the following people: The sort of fat guy in his forties on the subway, homeless people, someone who might only be seventeen, exes who I actually hate and thought I had no desire to sleep with ever again, the guy who’s sexy/ugly (emphasis on ugly, short on sexy) and last but not least, myself…..

Thanks, brain. Thanks, penis. Thanks. TC mark

image – Quinn Dombrowski
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Severe(d): A Creepy Poetry Collection

I used to get butterflies when I looked at you, but now they feel more like maggots feasting away on the heart you slaughtered.

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  • SorryNotSorry

    They pay you to write stuff like this…?

    I usually enjoy your article, but lately… I just can’t

  • Anonymous

    Love this! Exactly how I’ve been feeling recently, which is both sort of funny and sad.

  • Anonymous

    This guy’s grotesquerie has just about reached its expiration date.
    Initially, it’s amusing; however, the incessant need to display a dime store brand of homoerotica has not only jumped the shark, it’s packed the magnet.
    This column also highlights — in bold relief — that some people never know quite when to cool the tired agenda and just write.

  • Anonymous

    This guy’s grotesquerie has just about reached its expiration date.
    Initially, it’s amusing; however, the incessant need to display a dime store brand of homoerotica has not only jumped the shark, it’s packed the magnet.
    This column also highlights — in bold relief — that some people never know quite when to cool the tired agenda and just write.

    • http://www.facebook.com/grc15r Gregory Costa

      I mean this in all seriousness:  What does it mean to pack the magnet?  I’ve never heard this expression. 

      • Anonymous

        Gregory–

        Well, of course, you know “jumped the shark” means that something has almost reached the stage of irrelevance with nothing new left to explore.

        And so, “packed the magnet” is the phrase that describes the state of something actually being over. Finito.

        It’s the natural extension of “jumped the shark”…… providing an actual ending.

      • http://www.facebook.com/grc15r Gregory Costa

        Looks like someone who was too lazy to use context clues  learned a new idiom. 

      • Anonymous

        Gregory–

        :>)

      • Guest

        that must be your double chin…

    • http://twitter.com/no_cazador hunter ray

      u sound a lil homophobic bb :>))))

      • Anonymous

        Quite the contrary. Live and let live. Is that all you’ve got? Don’t attempt a diversion to provide cover for the real issue.
        You sound a bit clueless when you fail to comprehend that many people get turned off by the endless parade. This is basically an infantile and sh!tty column. If he’s getting paid for this, he needs to start doing some real writing.

      • DJ

        If you don’t like the writing, move on and don’t read it.
        In regards to your original post, “not only” is typically followed by “but” or “but also.” Don’t critique others’ writings when there are problems with your own.

      • Guest

        DJ thats a ridiculous critique – she doesnt have to be a writer to be able to READ.

      • Anonymous

        Guest–

        Don’t be too hard on DJ. He’s flailing about as he squints to see the pyramids on dollar bills for a defense of the “column”.

        This is a comment section. Not an article or a column such as the one we’re discussing — which, by the way, isn’t actually significant enough to warrant this full-throttle exchange, but whatever…..

        To please DJ I have added his little word! On comment threads many people write in shorthand. And so, I had no idea that someone like DJ would not understand that a “but” or a “but also” would automatically have been implied, just as a matter of course.

        I hope he’s happy now! Unless, of course, he was just trying to create yet another diversion.

      • Nick

        Diva, you were probably the person everyone hated in school (and the workplace) because you think you’re smarter than you actually are… how annoying

      • Anonymous

        Thanks for the attention, Nick.
        Kiss! Kiss!

      • Anonymous

        Thanks for the attention, Nick.
        Kiss! Kiss!

      • Anonymous

        Thanks for the attention, Nick.
        Kiss! Kiss!

      • Anonymous

        Thanks for the attention, Nick.
        Kiss! Kiss!

      • Anonymous

        Thanks for the attention, Nick.
        Kiss! Kiss!

      • Anonymous

        Thanks for the attention, Nick.
        Kiss! Kiss!

      • Anonymous

        Thanks for the attention, Nick.
        Kiss! Kiss!

      • Anonymous

        Thanks for the attention, Nick.
        Kiss! Kiss!

      • Anonymous

        Thanks for the attention, Nick.
        Kiss! Kiss!

      • Anonymous

        Thanks for the attention, Nick.
        Kiss! Kiss!

      • NB

        go away

      • Anonymous

        Thanks for the attention, Nick.
        Kiss! Kiss!

      • Joe

        People make this comment a lot… I find it hard to comprehend how difficult it is for some (you) to realize that, sometimes, people write things they don’t want to read. sometimes, those writers will do it consistently because they hold a certain niche or genre. and that you are in no way obligated to read anything they write. Ever. There is an audience for Ryan, a large one too, and no one will notice if you decide not to be a part of it. 

        IF YOU DON’T LIKE IT THEN DON’T FUCKING READ IT.

      • Joe

        People make this comment a lot… I find it hard to comprehend how difficult it is for some (you) to realize that, sometimes, people write things they don’t want to read. sometimes, those writers will do it consistently because they hold a certain niche or genre. and that you are in no way obligated to read anything they write. Ever. There is an audience for Ryan, a large one too, and no one will notice if you decide not to be a part of it. 

        IF YOU DON’T LIKE IT THEN DON’T FUCKING READ IT.

      • Anonymous

        Indeed.
        There’s an audience for Chaz Bono as well.
        LOL!

      • Anonymous

        Indeed.
        There’s an audience for Chaz Bono as well.
        LOL!

      • Anonymous

        Indeed.
        There’s an audience for Chaz Bono as well.
        LOL!

      • Anonymous

        Indeed.
        There’s an audience for Chaz Bono as well.
        LOL!

      • Anonymous

        Indeed.
        There’s an audience for Chaz Bono as well.
        LOL!

      • Anonymous

        Indeed.
        There’s an audience for Chaz Bono as well.
        LOL!

      • Anonymous

        Indeed.
        There’s an audience for Chaz Bono as well.
        LOL!

      • Anonymous

        Indeed.
        There’s an audience for Chaz Bono as well.
        LOL!

      • Anonymous

        Indeed.
        There’s an audience for Chaz Bono as well.
        LOL!

      • Anonymous

        Indeed.
        There’s an audience for Chaz Bono as well.
        LOL!

      • Anonymous

        Indeed.
        There’s an audience for Chaz Bono as well.
        LOL!

      • Anonymous

        Indeed.
        There’s an audience for Chaz Bono as well.
        LOL!

      • Anonymous

        Indeed.
        There’s an audience for Chaz Bono as well.
        LOL!

      • Anonymous

        Indeed.
        There’s an audience for Chaz Bono as well.
        LOL!

      • Anonymous

        Indeed.
        There’s an audience for Chaz Bono as well.
        LOL!

      • Anonymous

        Indeed.
        There’s an audience for Chaz Bono as well.
        LOL!

      • Anonymous

        Indeed.
        There’s an audience for Chaz Bono as well.
        LOL!

      • Anonymous

        Indeed.
        There’s an audience for Chaz Bono as well.
        LOL!

      • Anonymous

        Indeed.
        There’s an audience for Chaz Bono as well.
        LOL!

      • http://twitter.com/mung_beans Mung Beans

        Wow.  

      • http://twitter.com/mung_beans Mung Beans

        Wow.  

      • http://twitter.com/mung_beans Mung Beans

        Wow.  

      • Anonymous

        Indeed.
        There’s an audience for Chaz Bono as well.
        LOL!

      • Anonymous

        Indeed.
        There’s an audience for Chaz Bono as well.
        LOL!

      • Anonymous

        Indeed.
        There’s an audience for Chaz Bono as well.
        LOL!

      • http://twitter.com/mung_beans Mung Beans

        You seem terrible.

  • Matt

    Spot-on! I luv you’re sassy posts, Ryan. Keep up the good work ;)

  • http://twitter.com/#!/WordNerd Ethan

    That title pretty much sums up how I feel most days. My libido knows no bounds. And I’m pretty sure Mother Theresa was a closet nympho.

  • Erin

    But then I was like, “No, Ryan. Mother Theresa didn’t have sex with homeless people after she helped them out.”  <– THIS.

  • frugal_kate

    What a load of BS! I am pretty stuff you made this up.

  • Guest

    THAT’S gonna be a lot of babies.

  • http://hotfemmeinthecity.wordpress.com/ natasia

    I know a couple who met on grindr and fell in love! Is that story cute? I tell them I think so, but I’m not 100% sure.
     

  • macgyver51

    If you exchanged the word “libido” with “loneliness”, this article would make much more sense and be much less creepy.

  • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

    Having made shame sex my specialty after a very, very long period of abstaining I have to say… at least once you push down the guilt/shame/depression from having gone where you swore you would not, you feel infinitely better. But only after, which can take a while if your morals get the better of you.

  • http://twitter.com/NIKO93 Alex Nikolov

    I haven’t read the article yet, (I will). This is just to say 1) what shameless linkbait 2) I read the title, and before I’d even read the lead, thought “Oh yay, Ryan O’Connell”.

  • Anonymous

    I sympathize, Ryan.  For some reason when you live in or close to a metropolis it’s like everyone is sexy and inanimate objects are sex. Perfume or cologne mixed in with some New York air is the silent aphrodisiac.  I am a creep. :(   

  • Anonymous

    I sympathize, Ryan.  For some reason when you live in or close to a metropolis it’s like everyone is sexy and inanimate objects are sex. Perfume or cologne mixed in with some New York air is the silent aphrodisiac.  I am a creep. :(  

  • http://profiles.google.com/thisisaliecalledlife Byron Burns

    Ryan, Haters gone hate. Keep it up babe. 

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