Dear Gay Dude: I’m Back And Gayer Than Ever!

Question 1: My Fag Hag’s Boyfriend Is Trying To Hook Up With Me!

Dear Gay Dude,

Last weekend my best friend’s boyfriend came onto to me. My best friend is a girl so that makes things a little awkward. To add more to the awkwardness, they have been going out for 8 years and I have been friends with them for 7. I consider them both to be my friends but definitely her more so.

I don’t want to out another dude but at the same time I feel a little dishonest and like a bad friend if I don’t say something to her. I don’t want things to get awkward between all of us. He also says he is straight and just wants to fool around. The thing is is that I actually believe him. I’m a pretty good judge of character and honestly don’t ever see him dating a dude. I don’t know if that actually makes any difference or I’m just trying to find excuses not to tell her. Now I would never hook up with him due to the fact that he is dating my best friend but I don’t know what to do!

Help!
-Torn

Dear Torn,

For many gay men, it may seem like you’ve hit the jackpot. Let’s be honest here, boys. How many of you have fantasized about your BFF’s straight and sexy boyfriend? I hope it’s a lot of you so I can feel less weird about it. Regardless of how hot it seems though, I would never actually want it to happen. First of all, I would never do that to my friend. Second of all, it would put me in the worst position ever! You are in quite the pickle, my friend. I don’t envy you. If you keep it a secret, you risk being consumed with guilt. Even if her boyfriend isn’t actually gay, there’s obviously something going on here and she deserves to know. What if your best friend finds out about it but not through you? She’ll be furious! This might be terrible advice but my instinct is to tell her. I would want to know, wouldn’t you? If my boyfriend was trying to eat out my girlfriends, I would HOPE they’d tell me. So tell her gently and don’t be like, “OMG, YOUR BOYFRIEND IS GAY, HONEY” because A. That might not be true and B. You might give her a lifetime of issues with men.

LUV U SO MUCH,
Gay Dude

Question # 2: I’m in love with my straight best friend!

Dear Gay Dude,

I’m stupidly in love with a straight man. To make matters worse, this straight man happens to be my best friend. It’s causing me a lot of pain and I don’t know what to do about it. He already knows (I told him) and he is okay with it, but I can’t stand anymore seeing him being heartbroken because of stupid girls who don’t appreciate him. I can’t keep on like this, but can’t either conceive the idea of losing him.

Please help.

– Doesn’t know how to fall out of love

Dear Doesn’t know how to fall out of love,

This is the kind of email I mostly get for Dear Gay Dude. Gay guys have been falling in love with their straight BFF’s since the Ice Age, okay? There’s nothing you can really do about it besides end the friendship, deal with it, or somehow try to convince him to go gay for you. Which one feels like he most realistic option for you?

xoxo,
Gay Dude

Question # 3: Is my professor lying about being gay?

Dear Gay Dude,

I would really appreciate some insight on this. It’s a bit complicated and you may not see how it relates to your area of expertise until the end.

I recently went back to college and took a class with a male professor who appeared to be coming onto one of the females in the class. He’d engage her in conversation whenever possible, compliment her, talk to her after class, smile at her, and she was very receptive to him. On a class trip, he took her picture and showed it to the class. I wonder what he was doing with it outside the classroom. Anyway, he also offered her academic perks. By the end of the semester their behavior was such, that they seemed more like a couple than teacher and student. Aside from being nauseating, his behavior was extremely unethical. Dating students isn’t against this school’s policy but offering perks for sex is. I can’t confirm that they were having sex but I know what I witnessed in class.

I went to my advisor and he was stunned because he told me that he was 99% sure that this man was gay. He didn’t qualify his statement, though. I then went to the department that handles these matters and the person there was also shocked because she too thought he was gay. He is effeminate and his area of specialization is something predominated by women. However, given his primary area of study, he doesn’t act much differently from other males in that field. I also went to the department head who told me not only that he was gay but that everyone knew he had a partner. I looked it up and he has lived with a guy for 10-15 years, and he’s in his forties. I checked him out on FB and his roomie is into theater, opera, and he may be a musician-doesn’t prove anything. He’s not flamboyant and you couldn’t tell anything by the way he dresses. He is very meticulous in his office and very vain but so what?

I realize he could be bisexual. I know I’d seen him looking at other females in a way that a gay man would not. He must know what his colleagues believe. Would a straight man perpetuate a myth of homosexuality in order to get away with sleeping with his students? Is there any reason that a gay man would behave that way with a female student? I would appreciate any input you can offer.

Thank you.

Dear No Name,

Hold your horses there, Tracy Flick! No offense but you sound kind of insane. Why have you been so relentless in your quest to find out your professor’s sexuality? If the higher ups at your school tell you that he’s gay and lives with his partner, then the dude is gay. And I think you’re reading too much into his interactions with this female student. What do you mean when you say he looks at her differently than a gay man would? WHAT? Slow down on your Adderall consumption, Nancy Drew, and just deal with the fact that he gave you a B- on your paper.

Smooch,

Gay Dude