A Chat With Babe Walker Of White Girl Problems

I’ve known Babe Walker since we were two years old. We met at Gymboree while fighting over the last bullion cube at snack time and I thought to myself, “There’s something special about this white girl with problems.” She was initially guarded but when I told her I was 5% Kardashian (lie), she let me into her circle and we’ve been close ever since. Now, I’m overjoyed to announce that she’s releasing a memoir off of her Twitter feed, White Girl Problems, in January. If you haven’t already, read a chapter of the book and  pre-order it. Now.

Thought Catalog: Babe, it’s been forever since we last spoke. Did you change your number? Every time I call you, your mailbox is full.

Babe Walker: I’ve never checked a voicemail in my entire life. As far as I’m concerned, it’s a dead art.

TC: Duly noted.  So you wrote a book! Did you always want to be an author?

BW: You know, I really didn’t know what I wanted to *be*. I tried fashion design and was amazing at it, but it got boring. I tried my hand at philanthropy, which was cute but also boring. And it turns out I’m, like, really good at talking about my life. I guess I didn’t want to write my book, per se–it’s more that my book wanted to be written by me.

This is a drawing of a look I wore while in art school. I was a glass blowing major. It was a dark period in my life, obviously.

TC:  Can you give me a blurry watercolor of some of the things you talk about?

BW: I talk about a lot of stuff. Boys, college (I went to five universities in 3 years. It’s hard to find the right fit! In the end, they were all wrong), drugs, fashion, my family…there’s something for every kind of reader.

TC: Chic. Speaking of boys, are you dating anyone right now? Has your idea of the ideal man changed since we last spoke?

BW: I’m not dating anyone–my book is my boyfriend right now. But I will say, if James Franco and his brother, Dave Franco, had a baby boy, and Ryan Gosling raised him on a farm, that would be my ideal man.

TC:  Would you ever explore lesbianism? I noticed in your video for fashion week that you used to hook up with Eva Amurri. On a scale of 1 to 10 (one being KD Lang and ten being Gwyneth), how into girls are you?

BW: Eva is a babe–even you would hook up with her! Let’s just say I have my girl on girl moments, but I don’t speak fluent labianese. Capiche?

TC: You talk about sex in your book, including the time you lost your virginity. Do you consider yourself a super sexual person? What does someone have to do in order to sleep with you?!

BW: My psychic tells me I’m very sexual, and 70% of the time, she’s usually right about these kinds of things. When someone wants to sleep with me, they need to put in a little effort. I’m not high maintenance by any means, but I will say that a candlelit dinner of organic sashimi, or a Celine handbag, can go a long way.

TC: Sleeping with gay guys: Chic or not chic?

BW: Not chic.

TC:  Sleeping with someone who’s twice your age, borderline creepy, but has a gigantic penis:  Chic or not chic?

BW: Age means nothing to me, but I don’t do monster dicks. So, not chic. Wait though, how big are we talking?

TC:  Getting drunk and waking up to you spooning your Jamaican maid: Chic or not chic?

BW: My maid, Mabinty, who you’ll meet in the book, is one of my best friends in the world. Chic.

TC:  Vaginal rejuvenation: Chic or not chic? Have you done it?

BW: I got a labiaplasty for my high-school graduation present. Chic.

TC: Dating one of your Twitter followers: Chic or not chic?

BW: I mean, I could never! But I’m not against it for other creepy, internet psychos.

TC: Was there anything that was off limits in the writing of your memoir? Something that was just TOO personal to share?

BW: My editors didn’t want me to talk about my vagina so explicitly (I get into detail about it’s shape, structure, spirit animal, etc…), but I told them that it was a part of my body and my body is a part of my story. They had to deal.

TC:  What’s after the book? A Bravo TV show? Becoming BFF’s with Brooke Mueller and going to a lot of meditation spas? Calling me back?

BW: I would totally do a TV show–and I’ve been approached–but it would have to be on my terms. I’m not letting my life turn into an E! True Hollywood Story. I’d want it to be more like the first season of The Simple Life meets The Hours. And do I really need to call you back after this? We’ve been talking for the past like, fourteen minutes. TC mark

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

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  • Brett

    not down with her..

    down with ryan..

  • http://twitter.com/ayecaleb Caleb Ray

    Oh babe. <3 Can we go shopping in Milan together and then attend the Chanel fashion show? 

    • S.H.

      Shopping in Milan? For what, gelato?

  • Nowhere

    oh god this article is retarded

  • Meghann

    You spelled capisce wrong.

  • RADHATTER

    Haha.   This is hysterical, I can’t wait to get my hands on a copy of this book. 

  • http://twitter.com/mung_beans Mung Beans

    ” I’d want it to be more like the first season of The Simple Life meets The Hours.”

    this needs to be real

  • spinflux

    I can’t believe she is less funny than Kelly Oxford. That’s some feat. 

    Oh, the whites, and their “funny” twitter accounts. 

    • cooper

      Oh, the racism against white people

      • spinflux

        Inno. I dream of a day where I can ride around blasting Devo as loud as I please without being pulled over for driving while ginger. Fear not, dear Anglo-Fappers. Our day will come.

    • Scottie

      This was hilarious.

  • julia

    And people wonder why everyone is Occupying?  I hope this is a joke.

  • http://thefirstchurchofmutterhals.blogspot.com/ mutterhals

    I make my maid sleep out back in a shed, I don’t trust her.

  • katie

    Is Babe Walker even her real name?
    Why don’t we know what she looks like?

    • S.H.

      Umm.

  • http://mrianmbelcurry.tumblr.com/ Mr. Ian M. Belcurry

    this is funny

  • Sesamesnaps

    Wait, I haven’t read the article yet, but who snacks on bullion cubes? I’m guessing you mean boullion cubes, as in concentrated chicken stock? Hello salty weird snack! My daycare offered snacks more along the lines of saltines with honey.

    • guest

      I thought that too haha.

  • Sesamesnaps

    Wait, I haven’t read the article yet, but who snacks on bullion cubes? I’m guessing you mean boullion cubes, as in concentrated chicken stock? Hello salty weird snack! My daycare offered snacks more along the lines of saltines with honey.

  • rooar

    your friend seems just awful. 

  • ouch

    “I tried fashion design and was amazing at it”
    seriously?! how is it we’ve never seen any of her designs, and she’s only famous for a book in which she’s being a complete bitch.

  • Moyimu

    Lol, I hope the people that are writing dumb comments to “Babe Walker” realize, that she is 3 people, and not in the least bit real.
    Cheers!

  • SHELBY

    i love babe walker but it you actually asked her good questions instead of retarded ones, i think everyone would be a little more happy here.

  • http://burningbushwick.com/smallest-labia-contest-to-follow-up-smallest-penis-contest-at-kings-county/ Smallest Labia Contest to Follow Up Smallest Penis Contest at Kings County | The Burning Bush

    […] that labiaplasty is an evermore constant occurrence (even for those outside of L.A.), some very strict ground rules have been set for the competition. For instance, you must provide a […]

  • http://chronoto.pe/2016/06/10/what-happened-to-the-girl-behind-white-girl-problems/ What Happened to the Girl Behind 'White Girl Problems'?

    […] Several publications, including Harper’s Bazaar, Total Sorority Move, Guest of a Guest and Thought Catalog featured interviews with “Walker” […]

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