1. Liberal Arts School Graduate
Last year, I was awash in a sea of despair over what I was going to be for Halloween when, all of a sudden, the idea came to me in a burst of inspiration: I’ll resurrect my cap and gown to become the most terrifying costume of all—a liberal arts graduate! Seriously, you guys. Is there anything more terrifying than graduating in a crappy economy with $100,000 in debt? I think not! This costume costs no money and will send a chill down your spine. When I wore it last year, I made sure to walk past the NYU campus where people started to scream bloody murder at the sight of their dismal future.
2. A Charlie Sheen Fan
You know what was really gross about this year? How Charlie Sheen became a folk hero to douches everywhere. People relished in his disgusting antics, adapting his stupid catchphrases, and generally celebrating his soon-to-be washed up misogynistic behavior. People were like “He shot Kelly Preston in the arm once? LOL. Must’ve been the tiger blood!” To be truly scary this Halloween, you should dress up as one of his idiotic supporters by stamping WINNING on your forehead and throwing yourself off a cliff. JK on the cliff part…maybe.
3. Your Ex
Remember that moment when your ex told you they didn’t love you anymore? All of a sudden, your life had become more terrifying than the Texas Chainsaw Massacre and it felt like you had been stabbed a bunch of times? Well, you should turn that pain into a sick Halloween costume by going as your evil ex. They’re just as awful as Pinhead or Michael Myers so it makes sense. Potential ideas for the costume could include plastering photos of the two of you all over your body and recording “I DON’T LOVE YOU ANYMORE” on a voice recorder and playing it over and over again. It will be amazing and, above all, very creepy.
4. A Bumpit
Remember the first time you saw the infomercial for bumpits? You nearly peed your pants laughing and were like, “This can’t be real.” Oh, but it was. It was real and terrifying. For this Halloween, why don’t you just go as a bumpit? You could approach it from a more abstract point of view or take a more literal approach. Put 10,000 bumpits in your hair, or even worse, attach them to people’s hair when they’re not looking. Bump up your neighborhood! Just don’t be surprised when you get burned at the stake for your actions ala Salem Witch Trials.
5. Ryan O’Connell
YOU KNOW U WANT 2 BE ME. It’s super simple too! Just glue a computer to your face, carry a boombox that plays exclusively shoegaze, and shake a pill bottle up and down. The darkest of the #dark costumes.