1.”The Reason” by Hoobastank
Note: The music video for “The Reason” has 28 million views on YouTube. In related news, I hate everyone. All kidding aside though, I’m really glad we’re at a place in our culture where we can collectively “LOL” at the hot mess that was Hoobastank. Their music somehow managed to be dull AND grating, which is no small accomplishment. And the name! Dear god, the name. Infuriatingly idiotic just like their music. I once knew a girl who lost her virginity to this song. It was so sad.
2. “Girlfriend” by Avril Lavigne
Truth be told, I kind of love Avril. She makes unabashed catchy pop and makes no bones about the fact that she’s sort of a joke. But I can’t, won’t, don’t get behind the atrocity that is “Girlfriend.” It’s like she made it just to screw with us and people actually liked it?! The shrill vocals, the handclaps, the horrible redundancy. It’s like Chinese Water Torture for the ears!
3. “Who Let The Dogs Out?” by Baha Men
We can also file this under: “Songs That Were Sent To Earth To Annoy Us”. Successful pop songs have the tendency to be truly awful, don’t they? It’s like the more aggressively annoying they are, the more likely they’re going to take off. But someone, somewhere, likes this drivel. They helped make it a giant success and they’re the reason why I’m writing about it now. So let’s be real for a sec, who’s a genuine Baha Men fan? I know you’re out there. Come on, I just want to pick your brain for a second… (AND MAYBE SHAKE YOUR BODY VIOLENTLY BACK AND FORTH)
4.”Arms Wide Open” by Creed
Besides being an egomaniacal alcoholic who occasionally liked to beat up chicks, Scott Stapp also made terrible music in his Christian rock band, Creed. Again, I feel like Creed was a band that was constantly the butt of every joke but they somehow still managed to sell millions of records. What gives, America?!
5.”Hey There Delilah” by Plain White T’s
If I were the real life Delilah, I would be so pissed at the Plain White T’s for making such an insufferable popular ballad because of me. I bet her friends gave her crap for it every single day. “Thanks, Delilah! Because of you, I hear that terrible song every time I go to the dentist.” OMG, it is such Dentist Office Music, which is honestly the worst musical genre to ever exist.
6.”(God Must Have Spent) A Little More Time On You” by *NSYNC
I’m obsessed with the fact that this song even exists! I mean, besides being a syrupy sentimental mess, its lyrics are hilariously offensive. Can you imagine someone telling you IRL, “Beb, God must have spent a little more time on you because, damn, you’re fine. God saw you and like totally ditched the person he was busy creating (who, incidentally, turned out to have mild retardation because of His negligence) and was all about making you beautiful and amazing. Thank God for inequity!” Ugh.
7. “Turn It Up” by Paris Hilton
We knew Paris Hilton’s music career was going to be hysterical but I don’t think we quite understood how amazing it would be. Case in point: The opening track, “Turn It Up”, in which Paris sounds like a demonic sex kitten ordering the DJ to turn up her fave jam in da club. My favorite part is the first few seconds when Paris speaks in short blasts, saying “That’s hot”, “Yeah” and coos the name of her producer, Scott Storch, who I’m sure was laughing maniacally as he was making the track while simultaneously enjoying a BJ from Paris.
8.”Hey, Soul Sister” by Train
We thought we killed Train, didn’t we? When “Drops Of Jupiter” came out, we made the decision to get rid of them once and for all. We got the torches, the slingshots, and did away with them just like we did with Vanilla Ice and Hilary Duff’s sister. But somehow they came back to life and bombarded us with this new disgusting track. Clever girls, those Train people are. I guess we’ll have to try again, won’t we?
9.”Good Life” by OneRepublic
This song is having a moment right now in movie trailers for inspirational chick flicks. It’s always set to a scene of Anne Hathaway or Kate Hudson realizing that, despite the challenges that lie ahead, she does have a good life. There is NOTHING worse than the music in chick flicks. It’s like they raid a soccer mom’s CD rack and are just like, “Okay. This music sounds like it has a vagina. Let’s put it in!”
10. “Inflammatory Writ” by Joanna Newsom
I love Joanna Newsom, okay? I thought her first album, The Milk-Eyed Mender, was actually beautiful and I even saw her in concert before she was a big D. That being said, there are some songs of her that I can’t get behind and this is one of them. Her “unique” voice coupled with the annoying beat makes for ear suicide.