Why You Should Never Be The Last Person At The Bar

Is there anything more terrifying than being one of the last people at a bar? Imagine this all too familiar scenario: You’re drunk and talking to someone attractive at 1:45am. The dim lighting, noise, and booze have collided together to create a safe space for you. You’re comfortable talking to this cute stranger about God knows what because you’re drunk and leaning together against some cushions in the back corner of the room. Time is standing still.

And then it happens.

“Last call,” the bartender yells. ” Get your last drinks in!”

Suddenly, nervousness just sweeps through the bar. People begin to panic and readjust their hair, face and body. “Oh my god, we’re getting ready for the big reveal! This person is going to see what I really look like!” The mood is sobering. In fact, you could call it a buzzkill, but we can’t act surprised. This is how bars operate. Their goal is to help you lose all sense of time and get lost in their ambience and booze. But when it becomes actual closing time, it’s back to cold harsh reality.

Everything becomes tense. It’s like leaving a room that’s been engulfed in flames. The place that had been so good to you is now becoming your nemesis. “Agggh, get this bar off of me! If you’re one of the unlucky ones who doesn’t get out in time, you’ll have to deal with the nightmare that occurs when the lights turn on. Oh, and what a sight that is! A bunch of wasted people who have taken solace in the dark now being forced to face the bright lights. “Help me! I’m melting. It burns! Oh god, the light burns! I swear, I don’t really look like this.” No prescription beer googles is strong enough to withstand the harsh light that beats down on a bar. Whoever is left inside has to scurry like a bunch of rats and disappear into their respective corners. On the nights I’ve gone to a less than classy gay bar, I’ve watched men literally run for the exit when the lights come on. Then, in front of the bar, every guy who hasn’t hooked up with someone yet, stands against the wall like it’s a line up. People get approached and pair off, quickly hailing cabs and disappearing into the night. It’s not cute. The night starts off promising and sexy, only to end under florescent lighting.

So don’t be the last person at the bar. It will ruin whatever feeling you’ve spent the last few hours cultivating. Get out while you still can. Save yourself! TC mark

image – John Picken

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.


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  • Tot-nibbler

    2AM last call?? Whoa that’s early.

    • star

      Yeah, 2 AM is the legal closing time in many states. As much as we all complain about the lights coming on so early, I think most of us actually benefit; I’ve regretted almost every night I spent drinking any later.

    • https://twitter.com/iamthepuddles Jordana Bevan

      most pubs in central london close by 11!

  • Rebekah

    Hahaha true

  • guest

    nothing good happens afer 2AM – How I Met Your Mother

  • guest

    nothing good happens afer 2AM – How I Met Your Mother

    • http://twitter.com/gayworldproblem Gay World Problems

      That’s my motto I’ve been saying for years. Maybe I got it from HIMYM.

  • Guest

    It’s six AM do you know where you are?

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  • Kennneth

    Actually, my only concern when they call last call is “how many drinks do you think they will let me buy?”

    • Makia Gold Rucks

      the fact that your name is kenneth leads to the assumption that you are definitely the kenneth from 30 rock that leads to this comment being even better than it already is. 

  • http://twitter.com/mung_beans Mung Beans

    So why shouldn’t I?  idgi

  • Damian

    God I love this guy! I love his articles!

  • Robertbenesh

    Ryan… come on, man. What have you been writing for the last month?!

  • Lucy

    As a bartender, I can vouch that this is my favorite time of the night for this very reason. The look of sheer disgust for the ugly that appears is priceless.

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