The Things I No Longer Feel Anymore

I remember feeling like no one would ever hurt me—certainly not after we laid in bed together and circled each other’s stomachs with our fingertips, and ordered delivery food and made up inside jokes before we fell asleep! Why would anyone do that? You’re supposed to treat me with care after I’ve exposed all of my vulnerabilities to you. You’re supposed to protect me and make me feel good about people. I remember feeling this way, I remember being naive and trusting. I don’t feel that way anymore though.

I remember feeling satisfied by finding five dollars underneath the couch cushion. I remember having a pure relationship with money and not really being aware of class. Currency used to be in Pogs and stickers. I didn’t know that people could have so much and I remember feeling shocked when I walked into my first big fancy house. I remember not understanding why people would go to such insane lengths for a buck. I remember feeling okay with just a hamburger from McDonald’s. I don’t feel that way anymore.

I remember feeling scandalized when someone would do drugs. I remember feeling like this person snorting something in her bedroom at her parents house was really cool and maybe understood things in a better way than me, like she had it all figured it out and just got the memo before I did. I remember feeling inadequate to the popular kids when I was sixteen and feeling tired from trying so hard. I remember feeling like I would be happier if only I got invited to that dance party in someone’s basement. I don’t feel that way anymore. (THANK SWEET CHRIST!)

I remember feeling invincible, like nothing could ever get taken away from me. I would always have these limbs, these fingers, these hands, this body. I owned it. It was mine. I was going to stay the same forever and never have any health problems or injuries because that stuff wasn’t easy or nice. That wasn’t meant for someone young anyway, wasn’t fit to print. I don’t feel that way anymore.

I remember feeling like my parents were immortal and would never need me in the way that I once needed them. The father becomes the child and you become the caregiver. That wasn’t something I never understood or felt. I remember feeling like it was their job to protect me and make sure my life was nice. I don’t feel that way anymore.

I remember feeling like I had a set list of things I would never do in my life and thinking I was going to feel the same way forever about things. My opinions would never change. I had drawn a line in the sand and there was no way I was going to change it. Inflexibility, stubbornness—I remember feeling these two things constantly. I don’t feel them anymore.

I remember feeling like I was owed certain things. I was owed a boyfriend in high school because everyone else had one. I was owed a job after graduation because, hello, I just spent four years working my ass off. I was owed a dog and a husband and money in Los Angeles. I was owed a grown up life because that’s just what was supposed to happen. I don’t feel that way anymore.

I remember feeling excited over something as small as new music or the new issue of a magazine, of feeling excited whenever someone cute would kiss me, of feeling lucky that I’m able to do the things I do, of feeling like everything was going to be okay no matter what. Luckily, I still feel this way. (THANK SWEET CHRIST!) TC mark

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

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  • Anonymous

    I remember feeling the excitement and anticipation of reading thoughtful article by Ryan :] One of your recent bests. So pure and honest <3

  • Pepperk86

    this really resonated with me. love it.

  • http://www.facebook.com/theseoafs Ricky Stewart

    “The things I no longer feel anymore?” A little redundant, huh?

  • Laura

    Ryan, I swear you crawled into my heart/head and write my feelings in a way I never could. Love <3

  • Heather

    Well said!

  • http://twitter.com/amanda_silvas Amanda Silvas

    Agreed, definitely one of your recent bests. First paragraph is dead on. And the last is perfect. 

  • http://www.facebook.com/nattusmith Natt Smith

    Ryan, the best you have ever done. 

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

    i can’t feel my nose anymore

  • A-Ha

    Only an American could have written this. I’ll leave it at that.

    • Guestropod

      ?????????????????

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

      Only an idiot could make a statement like yours. I’ll leave it at that.

      • A-Ha

        As stupid as my comment may have been, I stand by it. Though I should tell you that I am (clearly) no authority on writing skills; I study engineering and never deal with things like creativity or sentence construction. Dissect my comments all you like, I don’t really care. I know they’re idiotic.

        However, I also have vague ideas about what good and bad writing looks like. And this article, in my view, is not up to par. I cringe at the thought that it was written by somebody a good four years older than myself, who likely has a strong background in liberal arts, and is the editor of a popular online magazine. I spotted grammatical errors, and someone else pointed out an issue in tautology. Much of this article just reads plain awkwardly, and my intuition tells me that the kind of  gimmick used here would be more at home in a scrappy journal entry, rather than published online for a large readership. This article is 100% the author’s personal life, and I don’t think TC readers come here to learn about Ryan’s  relationship issues and the time he missed out on getting a puppy in LA.

        And yet, most of the people here lapped it up. How is Ryan supposed to improve as a writer when most of the comments say things like “Beautiful” and “just perfect.” These are the truly idiotic comments. I think Ryan would be much more appreciative of constructive criticism than frothing-at-the-mouth adoration.  Obviously, the author must be very accomplished and intelligent to end up as the editor of this website. However, I have doubts as to whether this particular article  really needed to be published here.

  • http://twitter.com/chachacherry22 Noufa

    just perfect

  • http://www.twitter.com/mexifrida Frida

    Beautiful.

  • keertana

    great write. an adorable way of saying “this is how we grow up” and learn to love the things we loved once!

  • Milenajonijon

    i can sort of understand this but because my dad was shot when i was 5 i lived my life relishing in the moments in a different way. i remember being in my first sleep away camp when i was 12 laying awake at night thinking “one day you’re going to be old and you will miss this, so feel it now… memorize, so that you can go back if you want to. Feel the florida heat gathered around you on the top bunk, the moisture its creating on your forehead, see the fan turning, hear the fan turning.” I remember being in my ex boyfriends’s front porch listening to his mother’s windchimes. “One day you’ll be broken up” I thought “You might miss this feeling of being totally loved, you may have taken it for granted and you may be alone, so listen to the windchimes, live in this moment when you know your love is only seconds away from joining you on the porch, kissing you and making you feel like you belong.”
     
    Now that I’m older I’ve had the chance to try and go back to those moments in a quiet room with my eyes closed. The – aha- maybe if I open my eyes I’ll be back in that camp. Remember hoping something wild;y romantic would happen like that Mariah Carey video, always be my baby… And now thinking about that feeling in your stomach of having an innocent crush- I can still feel it! What I feel, is how did the 12 year old girl that I am get stuck in this 25 year old … young…woman’s body. I used to look in the mirror and try to create a perfect mental memory so that when I was older I could almost compare…I still know that if I just keep pushing I can reach my goals and I remember how I felt when I thought none of my dreams might ever come true. And even before that, when I was so young I thought for sure they all would. And I know now that there are still trains to catch, still time to learn, and I want to remember this moment right now too.
     
    It seems like we’re so jaded right. Like we know now how cynical things really are. But this isnt true. At any moment the craziest, most unimaginable thing can happen- it will change everything. And what you know now will be nothing compared to everything you’ll know after success, after failure, after rock bottom, after mountain high. You’ll look back on your 20s and 30s and you’ll think, I don’t feel like that anymore. So why not live in it now while you can ? Because you’ll be surpised, when something surprises you. You can’t possibly be past all of that?
     
    This is nothing compared to sitting with my great grandmother a few years ago looking at her old photo albums. Her and my grandmother would talk about lost love, regrets… and things you don’t regret. If you’re reading this or you wrote that and you’re not 98 years old like my great grandmother was a few years ago, TRUST me if you take a minute to look around you will see how much you really still feel, how much you don’t know, that there is still someone who got the memo before you, and that something exciting and new will come around the corner, just don’t let it pass you by while you were busy looking backwards.

    • Iamsoy

      THIS, made me cry.

  • Taylor Brogan

    I don’t want to be the jerk who points this out, but the title is redundant. “No longer…anymore.” It’s been bothering me for a solid fifteen minutes.

    • Taylor Brogan

      It could be “The Things I No Longer Feel” or “The Things I Don’t Feel Anymore.” Ack, I apologize. This is just really bothersome.

  • Luxe

    I feel all of those things right now and now I also feel sad because I apparently won’t feel them forever :(

  • Sophia

    I loved this. But the title is really redundant. 

  • Quimby

    I expected something like this after your 25th birthday. Sweet though!

  • bananno

    Wow I cried. 

  • Guest

    I remember feeling like I had a set list of things I would never do in my life and thinking I was going to feel the same way forever about things. My opinions would never change. I had drawn a line in the sand and there was no way I was going to change it. Inflexibility, stubbornness—I remember feeling these two things constantly. I don’t feel them anymore. — I WISH I COUD FEEL THAT AGAIN… conviction and purpose and not an all gray existence….

  • http://funkyforyou.wordpress.com/2011/09/04/blog-hopping/ Blog hopping…. | Soul Canvas

    […] Gangsta wrap: Magnum in the streets and in the bedroom, Open letter to family members on facebook, The things I no longer feel anymore and A humble request for the grammar nazis. The writing is sometimes funny, sometimes nostalgic, […]

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